Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Updated Book

This is not the absolute final version of my book but writing and formatting is now mostly done, some minor adjustements might happen as i read it over but nothing major. I'll reformat it so that it fits better into the book format i have planned and i plan to recruit some artists i know to do the pictures. Other than those caveats it is now done. (Copypasting has removed the bolded texts and such, so dosnt look quite as good.


I have decided to start writing a book. Maybe it will help me clear my thoughts and help people with theirs. This book, I have no idea what it will be about. I must however warn you, this book will be at times very incoherent. Perhaps even rambling, so perhaps I should name this book "Ramblings on the road of life"

-End of prologue

Book 1

Chapter 1

Who are you, beautiful creature?

I am going to start with a simple thought. Who are you? It is perhaps the most used and misused question in the field. I do not know who you are, but I can see who you wish to be. I can never know exactly who you are. I can never know the position of every neuron and atom in your body. I can only go to a certain level of accuracy. In fact, one can never know anything for certain about a large enough field. You can only know that you don’t know and at best you have to take a guess. You can say that if you are standing next to an atomic bomb when it explodes you will likely die. Yet you can never be sure for there are an endless amount of things that could happen. Kirk might come and beam you up! That’s the only tribute to Star Trek in this book. I promise. Yet that is what I mean, at the moment of explosion there might be a malfunction and the bomb doesn’t work. The chance for those things to happen is infinitesimally small but it is still there. Same applies to humans and everything else as well.

When I look at you, I can only estimate what you wish to be, you always have the choice to be something else. The only thing that ever has power over you is yourself. Your past doesn’t control you, your future doesn’t control you, your wife, husband, boy/girlfriend, parents, children, everything. None of these things can ever force a choice upon you. They can lead you to believe that you only have certain choices and of those choices you have to choose the one with the lesser evil. Most men have been indoctrinated to think that the extent of choices you can make are from what other people give you. That it is your only choice when you stand in line in MacDonald’s and think weather to get a bigMac or a cheeseburger. That is the basic choice. More complex choices are who do you wish to be, who do you wish to be with, what do you value, where do you go.

It is always of great interest to ponder your past. To ponder what happened when humanity was in its infancy, such pondering is useful as well. What happened in the past usually can be studied and the knowledge gained can be used to better estimate what might happen in the future. If you spend a lot of time thinking back to your own past to some things that hurt you, if you do it for the simple purpose of wanting to remember what happened, you might wish to stop for a while and think about why you are doing it. Do you truly want to remember an insult someone said to you a year ago simply to remember the insult? If you on the other hand wish to do it so you can better defend, or you can help someone else or for some other reason then the study of the past has a new meaning. But even so, the study of the past should only be done when it affects who you are or who you wish to be. If you desire to study the past for the sake of studying the past then that is more than commendable. Since that is then what you desire to do. But to study the past for the sake of the past even if you dislike it is not something that is worth the effort if it has no effect on the present day. Such is same for the future. They are things that are worth studying, yet they are things that are very hard for you to change. It is hard for you to go back in time and stop Julius Caesar from being assassinated. While it is not impossible by any stretch, it is very hard. Yet you can’t change the past by making a decision in the past, you make a decision in the present, in the blink of an eye.

Who you are is not what you want and what you desire, who you are is when you realise that you are. You are the collection of thousands of generations of human faults and human accomplishments, thousands of generations of Hannibal Lectors and Jesus Christ’s, Harry Potters and Gandalf’s, Morgan le Fay and Jeanne D'Arcs. You are built on concepts like ego, self, outside of self and inside of self. Most new age movements believe that the ego is something bad, that to be self centred is an inherently bad thing. So they go to lengths to try to not be self centred. Yet nothing is more damaging to the nature of creation than not to be self centred. Very existence of the universe is a self centred act. If our sun would let its gravity go and release all the matter it has accumulated it would consume the life on this fragile planet. If all animals suddenly decided to stop being self centred and stop killing any other animal then the only life that would exist is simple bacteria with a few plants. But like all life, it lies in the balance between self centeredness and external centeredness. By the most common definition in the new age, our sun is a very self centred object. It slowly turns hydrogen into heavier elements until it dies and in its death it releases heavier metals which other stars can’t consume. If it was non-egoistical would it not simply release all that energy for others to consume. In this internal process that generates its power, this act of self centeredness it has created life that is now thinking about it. Does the sun want to consume everything, no it probably doesn’t. But does it want to suck everything into it, probably not. That is what true self centeredness and true egoisticality is about.

Ego, in essence means nothing more than "me" in Latin. Yet somehow in this age of self-empowerment the word ego has become a curse. "You egoist", is the equivalent of "You whore" of ancient times. Yet is not the opposite of an egoist a whore. Whore gives others pleasure and fulfilment, often works in very poor conditions and even in some cases against their own will. Yet the egoist thinks of herself first and then of others. Yet if we are working on the empowerment of the person then is not ego the most important piece of the puzzle. Humanity is thinking of all these new truths and existences. Humanity is on a straight line and tries to reach the center of the line while we aim for the center we often overshoot and while doing so we go through a phase of perfection while we reach another extreme. It is like standing in a small rowboat trying to find your balance. You tend to shift too far from one end to another while you scramble to avoid falling into the cold water.

First the Jews were the oppressed throughout Europe and now they have become the oppressors. Arabs in ages gone used to oppress their fair share of the world and now it is they who are oppressed. Soviet Union had its time of being the oppressors but it also had its magnificent period of being on its knees. This same jing-yang / pendulum effect is so clearly visible in how people now swing to the extremely self destructive one end from the self destructive other end, from harming others to harming self. People strive so long and hard to suppress their sense of self that even the smallest criticism will make them explode. I should know this, I did it as much as many other people, I only did it for maybe 5 years yet the scars are still there. So I ask that you understand that this is not an issue where I might have observed from the sidelines, I was very much in the fray doing ego-meditations, having teachers that are good at crushing your ego and remind you of how worthless you are but then charge you the money with a smile on their face. That is why most people will be very angry when they read this book if they have been in the new age groups that are prone to ego-crushing. And a note for those saying "every religion does it, it’s not just us" that is very much true. Yet this is not about other religions, at least not for a long time yet, what they do with their followers is not my problem when we do the same thing. Since I am a healer what happens in the new age groups effects me tremendously. Most people will be very angry and will have a very hard time accepting what I put forth in this book. That you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Maybe I am an old man gazing on the beauty of the people here, or I am a young baby learning to see and everything is still beautiful.

The humans I meet have been beating themselves over the head with a stick for such a long time about how bad they are and how unworthy they are, because that is what the community has told them. That it is the angels, god/goddess(s), higher self, universe, spiritual guides, inner spark, left, right, or the box by the door that is responsible for all the miracles they do and they have no influence on it. That they are worthless blobs of energy, that some higher energy has decided to use for now, and they must push themselves to the side while the energy does its thing, omni sentiently. While you have lived this way for many years, working constantly on hiding who you are, pushing yourself away, pushing the pain and the humiliation away, meditating on oneness, trying to outdo everyone else in the field in holiness and oneness and not being self centred and so on. Once this emotional self punishment that most healers and spiritual workers put themselves through has been going on for a decade or even if it’s only a year, you will understand how hard it is to let go of it. Let go of punishing yourself and finally accept that you are the most beautiful creature in existence.

It is hard to let go for many reasons, maybe you don’t want to admit that you are being used, maybe you don’t want to get up on your feet again because then you have to stop being carried around by those feeding you up to be slaughtered. Maybe it just feels so good that someone finally likes you, that even if the person only likes you for a fraction of a second when they are feeding from your energies, it still feels so good. There are many reasons not all that different from the reasons people can’t get away from abusive relationships, or governments or religions. That in this world where so little truly feels good, the best pleasure is when someone tells you, you have been a good person, a good boy/girl. That is why what I say will undoubtedly anger many. It is hard to let go of rope that burns your hands when it is the thing that is holding you in the air, even if the ground is only an inch away. Of course there are genuine points of disagreement as well and I have no desire in labelling them all as this. Yet this is what had to be said, you can hate this book, you can burn it, you can even burn me. Once I have written this book I will have my peace.

I know that the words in this book will travel for an eternity expanding in all directions at the speed of light. The existence of the universe is the best testament to your existence. If you could have a fast enough way of transportation and go a light year away from the earth, and a powerful enough way of observing you could see what it was like a year in the past. In a trillion years from now the light that this book is reflecting will still travel through space, a glimmer of light amongst all those other memories. You want to find the akashic records, then open your eyes and look around. Everything that ever has happened or ever will happen in the universe is stored in the light that it emits, this information and this light can never be destroyed. That is why black holes cause such a headache for scientist. The information (light) that they store can never vanish, it is still in there in some form. Perhaps you can one day go to a light molecule and ask it to tell its story to you. Of all the places it has been and all the things it has witnessed. We are surrounded by such beauty, such unrivalled beauty that it brings a tear to an old mans eye.

-End of chapter 1

Chapter 2

Who am I, standing in the middle?

So, who am I then? As I said before, I am before all else a man. While I am a male by gender it is not how I define myself first. I am a human. I carry the same genetic burden that you do. In the millions of years after this book is written other generations, other species, other entities will appear and look back on this time. Before they can see anything I have done on my own they will see what this generation, society, race has done. I am like you, I carry an intense weight on my shoulder, the weight of all humanity. I am, in a way, writing this book to redeem myself in my own eyes. To finally do something concrete to express who I am.

Who I am, is largely defined by what I do. Not necessarily what I do with my hands or my body, but that too has a very large effect, but what I do with my mind and my soul. A soldier in a war uses his body to express who he is, perhaps less so now than in times past but still more than his mind. Yet Hitler never killed another man with his own body yet he used his mind and his soul to cause a war that killed millions. So while the actions and the condition of the body facilitate the expression of the mind and the soul, they are in no way an obstacle. Stephen Hawkins has been restricted to a wheelchair for most of his adult life yet he has written some of the most magnificent scientific books of our time. Look at Martin Luther King, certainly the fact that he was black in a society that didn’t appreciate black people thinking for themselves made it harder for him to express himself. In a way his body, his skin colour, which obviously is an attribute of the body, made it harder for him to bring his mind and his soul, to the front. Yet it can be asked, would martin Luther king have become such a role model for oppressed people if he had been white. Or would he have become one of the people who threw rocks at him. So, is it mans predicament to be formed by what he experiences. Would he still have fought for what he saw as justice if he had been in a different body or a lifetime? Or was there something in his genetic code that made him susceptible to being a "force for justice"? If it was in his genetic code then what choice did he really have? Certainly he could have at least ended his own life at anytime and then over-ruled his genetic path.

So, what is a person really, are you the collection of the events you have been in? Are we more than empty slates, "Tabula rasa" just waiting for someone to scribble something onto us? Then if you can determine the position, direction and speed of every atom in the universe at a single point in time, can you see the future till the moment the universe ends. Does choice never come into the equation? Albert Einstein himself once said that "God does not play dice" perhaps meaning that nothing in the universe happens by accident. Yet modern science has placed that theory into a severe storm. Physicists and scientists in the past few decades have come to think of the possibility that not only does God play dice, but the universe is a dice, in the sense that everything happens by accident on the deeper levels of physics. An atom is there and present in one moment and then vanishes in another, electrons are there one moment and gone another, even the crystalline structure of frozen water seems to be random. Yet there has been debate if you can influence the structure of water with your thoughts. Like all theories in science it is still in a storm. So, if all my actions are predestined and my path was decided by swirling clouds of gas 10 billion years ago then am I like a cell floating in my bloodstream, wondering why I must go through this path only to die. Yet to me, there is little of more beauty than to think that those 10 billion years ago, a cloud of gas set in motion a chain of events that lead to my birth 9.999.999.979 years later. That my birth was predestined from the moment the universe was born. To me, there is little of more beauty than to think that then, all the matter that is in me, has with purpose floated throughout space and time for billions of years, to end stored in me for a mere fraction of a billion years, only to be released again and continue its journey for another 10 billion years. If on the other hand, "God does play dice" then my existence is a fluke and my very existence is a miracle. Then I choose from these trillions and trillions of possibilities what I wish to be. Then to think that if I wave my hand in the air I set in motion a wave of events that makes particles and airwaves travel around the world, reflecting light in a different matter than had I not waved my hand and in a trillion years from now, the light reflected from the air because I waved my hand reaches another world and nourishes a plant and the plant then thinks. "Why am I here and who am I?" That through my actions a trillion years ago that plant receives the nourishment it then uses to ponder on its existence is perhaps the only thing more beautiful than the thought that my birth was predestined a trillion years ago.

So maybe Martin Luther king decided to be the force for justice that he was, maybe he had no choice in the matter. Either way his very existence was the culmination of the entire existence of the universe. Just as yours is, use that thought to get you through the times life might seem tough. That if you have no choice then there is nothing you could have done to lessen the amount of suffering you are going through. If there is a choice then the universe is giving you a chance to be what you desire to be for a blink of an eye and nobody can force you to be otherwise. No matter how harmful or evil you might feel there is in the end a purpose for it. If you wish to see it for your own eyes go to a large dump or a trash yard. Look at all the life teeming there. Everywhere you look there is a bird scavenging for food, a rat carrying food to its family, a maggot waiting to turn into a fly. Some things they won’t touch yet but rest assured that everything humanity produces. Even our worse waste will be food for something. To some, beauty is only in the pristine forest, or in the face of a child. To me these things are beautiful beyond words, but perhaps the most beauty is where no one else will look. So who am I then? I am a collection of light that has travelled through the universe taking on a physical form to express itself for a moment. Like a wind breeze that gathers dust, I am here for a long enough that my shape can be seen until I vanish again into dust to form another shape. Yet am I the dust that flows in the wind or the wind that makes the dust flow. Am I the soul that makes this body or the body that makes this soul? Am I one or another or am I a combination of both.

Perhaps I am as much all the events in the world that have formed me as I am the one forming all the events. Perhaps the best way to describe this is a shared dream. As men capable of lucid dreaming know, it isn’t enough that you realise you are dreaming once, you have to re-realise it over and over again. Just as with driving a car it isn’t enough to know that you have to turn left at some point, you have to make the choice of driving the car over and over again while you work the gas, the breaks, the wheel, turning signals and so on. Such maybe is with life. You can’t define you with a single choice, you have to define yourself over and over again as the road changes. The car might look like it stays the same but it gathers dirt, rocks fling against it from the wheels of other cars, its window might crack, same with people travelling on the road of life. While your body might get old and might start to break it isn’t enough that you simply refuel it, you have to stop from time to time and step outside of yourself and look at you and look what needs to be fixed. The problem wasn’t with you nor was it with the road, it simply is life that a car starts to wear and tear with life. This car is of course you, your body and your mind slowly starts to break down, the oils need to be checked. But even the best car will have to be recycled some day. But a single choice will only get you so far. So I am not a single choice either. I am not simply light nor am I simply dark. I simply am. I am, I exist.

End of chapter 2

Chapter 3

Why am I here, one choice of all those offered.

So, now then that I have explained who I am. Why am I writing this book? In my time in the spiritual community I have come across so much infighting, backstabbing, and bickering, plotting and otherwise Machiavellian behaviour that it sickened me. I would have expected it from other communities but from a community dedicated to spiritual progress and empowering. What sickened me most about all the behaviour I saw was that for the most part, people I came across were knee deep in some grim illusions, one way or another. Certainly I don’t have the whole truth either, not by a long shot, yet some of the illusions were so simple, so basic and so dangerous that it led me to question many of the teachings in the new age system. Of course new age isn’t a single belief, but like Christianity is not a single church yet they all believe or at least would like to believe in a god and Jesus and heaven and so on.

There are several similarities in new age beliefs, I'll point out a few. 1, There is no hell or no damnation (maybe if a person does it to himself but nothing outside of him that can do it). 2, a normal person would be close to blasphemy to call him/herself or god/goddess. 3, the angels/guides/forces that watch over you will let no harm come to you if you don’t invite it. 4, war is inevitably bad and peace is inevitably good. 5, illness is a problem instead of an answer. 6, healing is correcting a problem. And the big whopper 7, Evil/harm isn’t/cant be of as high a level as good/healing. And the biggest whopper of all 8, you can’t do harm with (Insert name of healing energy here) because of course as the energy comes from outside of yourself it would not allow you to do harm with it. Because I had from personal experience and talking with other healers figured out that at least a several of these are wrong it led me to question the rest and that led me on a journey that helped me see the truth that was staring me in the face all this time. Yet that truth didn’t make me detest humanity, in fact if anything it made me love humanity. With understanding comes acceptance and with acceptance comes the next natural thing, love.

So, there I was, in the middle of the new-age circus sitting down and starting to notice all the scheming and plotting and how everyone felt disconnected from everyone else on a true base because of it. If you are led to believe that you can do no harm, or that "evil" can’t be of as high a level as you are then you will start to slowly blind yourself to the harm you are doing and the evil you are seeing. Because that is what you have been taught, and certainly if someone can teach you a healing/meditation/astral projection skill as powerful as this then they must be right about it. All the while everyone is blinded to the darkness that starts to rise from all the cracks of the room. And at the same time people are blinding each other by passing on what they have been taught without often as much as a conscious thought about it on a deeper level. So now we have a community of people who are indoctrinated to believe that darkness can’t be of high level, and usually that the only darkness is in the person and if the person doesn’t bring it in then it can’t come in. Then the same indoctrination continues to push aside the persons self or ego and open them up to the "divine love" or the "universal energy". Then it usually continues on to explain how healing energy comes from above you and you have no control over it and it does what is best for the patient. All the while the person is being pushed to the side and made only a sidekick in this great healing that is happening before his eyes. Why would an omnipotent energy need to work through you if you have no part in what it does? So now we have a large community that is filled with some of the most spiritually inclined people on the planet, blinded, hooded and surrounded by the evil that they do not see. Perhaps it is just me yet this sounds like a very bad combination.

So what was the truth that I realised that made me love humanity? It was simply that humanity doesn’t do most of the harm it does because it wants to harm, but because it hasn’t been taught to do any better. I was like a man sleeping quietly in my bed and suddenly wake up in the dark to a pain in my side, of course it made me angry at first but when I turned on the lights and looked at what the pain was, it was a child poking me with a pen. Humanity is a funny thing, in the sense that one moment we can be adults and the next we can be children, in some situations we are adults and in some we are children. I am no different from the rest of humanity in that, in some moments I am a child and in some moments I am an adult. What makes humanity a child in this is that we have lost our ability to think critically about what we are told? To separate that simply because some of it works doesn’t mean all of it works. Simply because the energies you use to heal a body doesn’t mean they are necessarily good. Similar to how alcohol might make a person forget his sadness but it doesn’t necessarily heal it. But worries aside, I don’t advocate people stopping the use of healing powers, far from it. I think that with proper wisdom to guide the healing process they can be the most powerful tool humanity has discovered in a long time. I advocate that people stop for more than a second to think about what they are truly doing and what is happening around. Let’s try not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

So, who is this book for then? It is not meant, by far, for anyone who is only starting their road on a spiritual path. This is not meant for those who are trying to find something to attack the new-age community with, not for the scholars or the critics, this is meant for those men and women, boys and girl and why not for aliens and entities as well, who have been trying to survive in the dark and wondering why they feel darkness inside while everyone else seems to be light. Humanity is not an evil race, we are not evil race, we are a race of people hurt by generations of our fathers and our mothers sins passed on to our children. If your parents never received love from their parents, and they never learned to pass on love, then how are you supposed to know how to love or to pass on that love to your children? It takes generations for such a trend to be overturned.

End of chapter 3

Chapter 4

All worthy of heaven, none worthy of hell!

In my time, albeit a small amount of time I have come to realise some things in life. Some of them I will write down here but like so many things, I value other things higher than writing down everything so I will not have time to explain it all. Some of the important once I have already written down, but there are so many still left out. Love matters above all else, the very foundation of the universe, the very nature of existence is love. When I close my eyes and try to achieve that state of love I can almost feel I break down in tears. When I look around at all the things around me they sing a symphony of love, they exist here on love, because of love and for love. It is possible that I will never be able to explain that sensation, when I talk about it, it sounds so crude. Perhaps I am a rare person, in that I think that without knowledge there can be no love. One of the most important pieces of knowledge that I can give is that love isn’t something you can lose. It is not like a rock, for a rock once broken it stays broken. No not like a rock at all, love is more of a mist or a fog. If you hit it with a hammer it will simply disperse and gather again. Yet, while love to me seems like a mist, that is not the only shape that love has. Love is perhaps, like the 4 elements themselves, Fiery with passion, like the Ground to lie on, the Air to breath and the Water that with time erodes everything. So perhaps it was hasty of me to say that love isn’t like a rock. For even a rock, once broken can be rebuilt by the Fire of passion, And the fire of passion can be quenched by the water of time, only to turn to the air you breath and the very thing that keeps you alive. I write this book not out of hatred for that which I want to change but out of love for that which it is/will become/desires to be.

Not long ago I dropped to my knees in depression when it hit me once more how much life truly hurts. I dropped down and begged for forgiveness from all the people I will not be able to help. For forgiveness from humanity and from the world that I am not strong enough to even lift a finger to help them. For if I truly had faith in myself the size of a mustard seed I could change the world and lift mountains. Not perhaps with that one seed alone, but I could plant that mustard seed in the hearts of people and perhaps soon, there would have been a mustard forest. I am on my knees apologizing to all the people I didn’t help. Apologizing to all my cells that even after all this time I can’t stop punishing myself. It is so very hard to stop punishing yourself, while I might never be able to lift myself out of this darkness I have sunk into. I might be able to lift you up and with that, I might be able to redeem myself in my own eyes. That is why even if it costs me my life or my sanity I will get this book published. I feel I am not noble enough to carry this great soul I have been given. For I know that I create my world with my own choices, and there has been so much pain in my life that there must be something wrong with my choices if I keep experiencing so much pain. I know this is only an illusion as I could easily pull myself away from that pain and make it so that it no longer affects me. There are a million ways to do that and a million different teachers ready to show you how to do it. But I don’t want to deny my humanity, I don’t want to rise to the level of a Buddha if it means that I will lose my ability to be sad in the face of so much suffering. If the way to liberate yourself of this suffering is to stop wishing for things then I don’t wish to liberate myself. Are we truly a race so condemned to eternal suffering, so condemned that the churches in the west say we sinned against a god 6000 years before I was born and am still condemned to suffer for that. The Hindus in the east see life as a circle of rebirth that only ends in bliss when you finally get off this cursed planet. Even most of the Buddhist lamas preach that life is a suffering and we must find a way out of that suffering. Why is it that humanity has been judged so harshly by ourselves? Is there truly a base sin we have made that makes us beyond redemption. Even the message that Jesus had, the message that we don’t need sacrifices, we don’t need to all glorify ourselves in the face of god to hope to get a glimpse of his favour, the message that we are all truly already liberated of our sins and we are all, regardless of what we do, always worthy of heaven. Even such a beautiful message was not enough to convince people that they are all worthy regardless of if they worship in Sweden or in Rome or Moscow or even Mecca. So what is the driving force that always beats humans down when we raise our heads above the sand and finally see that we are not a beast? Perhaps that is the one sin humanity truly has the one sin of our birth and of our forefathers back to the end of time, that we are truly all worthy of heaven. Even the worst of us deserve a place in paradise, for there is little worse than a man who destroys his own soul. If Hitler, a person who till the end thought of himself as a good person will go to hell, then what of the billions of people, mostly children who daily think that they are not worth the clothes on them. How can we condemn one man to hell and billions to follow? If there is one worthy of hell then there is none worthy of heaven.

End of chapter 4

Chapter 5

Standing in the middle, not of light not of dark.

It is easy to forget that while we stare at the light that we are not the light, we are of the light but not the light, and while we stare at the darkness that while we are of the darkness we are not the darkness. Just look at all the heat a person generates and you'll see the light we can make, just look at the ground where the grass will not get the light of the sun and you'll see the darkness we can make. Yet while our heritage and our past is what gives us our starting point, it is by no means what defines who we are. Never forget that it is and always will be you who defines who you wish to be. You need all your power to truly make a choice in this world where humanity is in a freefall. You need to see what is going on, you need to have the wisdom to know what to do, the determination to go through with it, the strength to do what the rest of you desires. Your actions and your soul and your own fate rest squarely on your shoulders. People that tell you that things outside of yourself will do everything and you will only be an object in their work are always lying to you. It is the basis of all manipulations, to tell you that you are insignificant and you need only to do what they tell you to. In a way this is what I am doing, I am telling you that you need only to do what I tell you to do. I see the dilemma and it is what has kept me from writing this book for many years. Do I truly have the moral position to tell you anything, to in my own way try to manipulate you? But I realised with time that I am a human, you are a human, they are all human, mostly at least and that I have the right to act in making this world what I desire for it to be as much as does the "villains". That is perhaps the biggest illusion I have had to shake from my shoulders. An illusion generated by those who would rather control you than let you make your own mistakes, the illusion that you have no right to make any decisions. And gods forbid that you interfere with the divine plan/universal energy/High vibrations/etc. The truth about free will isn’t that you cant do anything to people, but that you can do anything, you can go in the streets and punch a guy in the face, but be prepared for that guy to hit you back. This is what most new-age groups would like to forget. That while the human soul and the human mind is not the best of vessels to hold all the information and at times it is best to accept that and let others do the job, it is the only soul and the only mind we have. The thought of "I cant interfere" and the thought of "I am not worthy of interfering" are the 2 opposite ends of the same scale, the scale that is keeping people separate from each other and keeping those that have no such fears in control. It has been truly so hard to let go of the illusion of being better than the rest of humanity and realising that I am humanity. It is a illusion that so many people build around themselves, weather it is through fear of interfering with the affairs of "lesser men" or the thought that "world will set itself straight" or "That cant happen to me". It is an illusion that I too shared, not from birth, but from education. It is an illusion that I was indoctrinated into when I started to learn healing. Instead of receiving a better connection and the tools I thought I would get, I, like so many people, received a sense of exaggerated self that had no basis in reality. A sense of a higher force working through me, it took a long time to shake off that illusion and realise that there truly is no evil and I truly don’t have to hold myself up, or down, or any other way I thought I would need in order to get the label of good on me. The moment I realised that the wish comes from me, and that there is no universal will trying to shape the world into something that would require people to do its bidding. The moment I realised that the power is always there but it is the desires of me, the desires of the person being healed and the desires of everything else that has ever happened shapes what will happen, is the moment I gained a true connection to humanity and shed my exaggerated self. Shed my disconnectedness. No longer did I need to open my channels to accept higher forces, or to feel purposefully disconnected to let the healing work. It is perhaps the most liberating thing imaginable. To realise that all the power in the universe is only waiting for your wish, your desire to move in motion. Not the other way around.

Humanity is a child born of darkness and of light. Humanity is born out of love for the darkness as much as love for the light. Love of evil just as love of good. Love of self as love of others. We are like Cain and Abel, even if you kill me we are still brothers. That is perhaps the only meaning of the word blood brothers. We fight for control of resources in a world we are killing, we fight for the fossilised remains of dead forests and dead animals with ferocity unmatched by so little in the world. We kill each other by the millions just because one of my ancestors was different than one of their ancestors, because they talk funny or even for such silly things as they wear a different hat. Is not the football riots one of the worst things in a while, people kill each other over a small rubber ball, it is not even about the players for they can change teams and your worst enemy can suddenly become your best friend. So the value of the sport is not in the players, not in the scores, the advertisings, not perhaps even in the cheerleaders. The true value of the sport is in humans placing value on it. It is because people pay by their millions to see a rubber ball kicked back and forth in a grass field. The only value of the sport is the value we give to it, such is with existence, nothing has an inherent value, and the only value is what is given to it. It can be argued that life has a value all of its own, or certainly a human has a value given to it at birth. Yet is it truly so, why do we then have to dictate in a law that humans have rights and values. If the value is at birth then certainly that value wouldn’t have to be given to you from outside by a law. But certainly, if we lived in a society where rape was the norm and love would be considered a crime, could you truly claim that the society is any different than ours. For if everything changes then nothing changes, if the value of a human is set in stone then throughout time it should be seen as a constant. That some humans would always be slaves and some humans would always be masters, or that the price of a life would always be the same. Yet even such things as rocks on the ground define the value of a life, sure the borders between countries are now more complex than just stones in a ground but there are still large differences in the care for prematurely born babies in Canada and in the US and in Mexico. Some countries still have the death penalty while others try to get criminals to understand what they did that was wrong. So surely, the value of a human, and in fact, any value is not inherent but is always based in who the person is surrounded by. While one of us sinks into darkness a piece of all of us sinks into darkness. Before we can stop the sinking we must figure out what is truly going on. If you suddenly wake up underwater you should try to understand where you are before you try to get yourself clear from there. If you are in a bathtub or in the sea, for if you only panic and splatter on and hope something goes well you will quickly exhaust yourself with very little gained. But even as we must figure it all out, we mustn’t forget that action is, in the end, always necessary. But what we must figure out now is where to act, how to act and why to act to create the kind of society we desire, or if it is best to sink and to drown than to rise to the surface only to find yourself in a storm with little hope for survival.

-End of chapter 5

Chapter 6

The All Loving Universe.

The key to healing is to realise that the universe has no preference. The universe doesn’t prefer that people are healthy or that people are ill, if the universe really did have a preference then do you really think that it would require to work through you or any other channel. If something is truly universal why would it want to remove illness for the sole purpose of removing illness? And why would illness be of any less value than wellness. Does freewill itself not say that anything that happens is through your own choice, and through that, is illness not of your own choice as well? So the next logical question then is simply, why does hands on healing work, no doubt it does work but why does it work. Obviously it is not through the universal will because as the universe doesn’t judge anything then it would not change anything without some kind of desire somewhere. So who's desire and why. Is it the desire of the patient that we carry out, so if the person desires to be ill and comes to us then would we not have an obligation to make the disease worse? But truly on some level when a person comes to you they want something, some might want to be healed, others simply to use their disease as a way of getting sympathy or a sick leave. So healing then turns out, isn’t a simple matter. So in the end, the only thing that universal energy does is make life possible, and make it possible for you to carry out your will in a manner of your choosing. Meaning in practicality that you can get ill if you so desire, but you can also get well if you so desire. So to say that you heal by the will of the universal energy is the same as saying that you heal of your own choosing. For it is not the universal energy in itself that heals, it is the act of channelling it in a way that makes your desire to heal and the patients desire to be healed come forth to reality. So what healing truly is an act of changing the nature of the universe in a very subtle way, and changing the person from being ill to being well? It is an act that requires great knowledge to be achieved. I have seen many healers succumb to the easy trap of thinking they are doing the universes will. When they are truly only carrying out someone else’s will, and as they roll down the rabbit hole they are told that they are always doing something outside of themselves and the higher will and they eventually end up as being angry and in some cases, in a state of possession. Remember that even the brightest of entities can have the darkest of cores, and even the darkest of entities can have the brightest of cores. Was Lucifer not the brightest of angels, the morning star. Even though I am not a Christian, I know that that is a metaphor that many will know. So not all that glimmers is gold, and not all possessions are gory like the exorcist. A possession is nothing more than an external force subverting your own will to suit its needs. Many healers end up being angry, simply because they are continuously beat down and told that their ego is a problem. Yet ego itself only means consciousness, so truly who is the ego a problem to? The ego as understood in many new-age beliefs is separate from your own consciousness only if you don’t listen to yourself. The "ego" is only a collection of your fears and insecurities and your unanswered question, and in a way, your body's mind. When you are truly at balance then you don’t have an "ego" because you have nothing to fear. So when someone who truly understands says to you "your ego is a problem" he means not that your will or your consciousness is a problem. Only that your fears and insecurities are a problem for yourself as they block you from seeing that there truly is nothing to fear. And if someone can see how afraid you are then they would not say that your ego is a problem. It is akin to saying to a person who is afraid of talking to someone who they have a crush on that they are not going to get that person to fall for them because they are afraid. It is in such a harmful way reinforcing the fear. So while people realise that there must be something wrong, they are being told that nothing is judgemental yet they realise that there must be something judgemental because healing comes from above so disease must be bad. This at the same time contradicts with their higher self and with what they know, it creates a double bind in the mind. "The universe isn’t judgemental yet healing comes from the highest energy and illness is bad". The mind and the soul realise that this cant be so and the ego starts to rebel as it notices that there must be something wrong with this. Then the healer is told by their teacher that the ego is a problem and they must meditate on universe, at least, the way the teacher sees the universe, and they must accept the love of the universe. Truly, this does remove the fear from the person but it also removes what the person has been. It removes the fear, not by addressing the issues the ego brings up, but by appeasing the body and the soul that this new system of thinking is good and not as harmful as the old me would have thought. So while the person inside remains the same their vision and their heart has been turned to a path that is only covered with good intentions.

It is true that if a healer receives a patient than that patient desires for something only that healer can provide. In a way, everything that happens will always happen as the people involved desired for it to happen. In the simple context this can be taken to mean that you mustn’t interfere with what ever people do to each other, but that is too simple an approach. If you are here and you come across a situation in where 2 people do something not only should you interfere in a way you desire, but you already do so, even if you don’t interfere. If you come upon a situation where someone is raped you are already involved in the situation deeply. True the person who was raped was raped because of his desire to be raped. If there was no desire on some level for it to happen then it wouldn’t happen. But the person in it might for example, value their own life more than their sexuality, might on some deep level desire to go through the experience of recovering from it, or quite simply, might desire for someone to intervene. If they didn’t desire to be raped they would wear everlast stainless steel underwear. I realise that by saying that even such acts as rapes happen through the desire of the people involved I will anger many. But if one act, no matter how heinous is said to happen against the free will, and thus, against the desire of the person, then there are limits to free will and if the universe is truly based on free will as is claimed then every act in it must be in accordance with that belief. So even by violating free will we are enforcing free will. It places you in a situation in which you have to decide "what do I choose to be in regards to this situation that I am in". In a similar thought, had all the 10 million civilians killed by Nazis suddenly stood up and resisted, it stands to reason that at the least they would have made the war end quicker. But they desired to believe in the good will of the state, or through the lack of knowledge thought that by making no decision they would not become a threat worthy of being killed. But since everything is always an act of free will and I am not separate from the rest of humanity the act I choose to do in reaction is equally of free will since nothing can go against free will. If you decide to rape someone I respect your free will to do so, but then I ask myself "who do I wish to be in relation to his desire" and since I can’t agree with your action, I will resist it in any way I have. So while I might have respect for your desire to do something and respect for you, it will not change the fact that I haven’t the slightest desire to let such a thing happen as it is opposed to who I desire to be. So even as I do realise that the act between a healer and a patient is always an act of free will and they are together out of their own will, it doesn’t stop me from interfering if I see that one or both of them are being mislead into a path that they do not desire. That is the stand from which I write this book, I have great respect for the healers and what they desire to do, I believe that a great many of them, not all of course, not all by far, are being mislead into some serious pitfalls and traps. I wont try to change anyone forcibly as that is not who I choose to be. But I can point out such pitfalls.

-End of chapter 6

Chapter 7

Let there be darkness!

I have avoided one of the bigger reasons I have to write this book for a while now. What is it then that I see as such a large danger that warrants a book like this? What then is the darkness that I see rising from the gaps in the floor, and what good will this book do against it. Obviously, just drawing attention to it would do nothing but harm as energy is always transferred to where our attention at that moment happens to lie. And only to inform people of the danger would do nothing more than to feed those that are feeding off us in the first place. What is it that is so powerful that it manages to slip by most of the new-age community, what is it that is so powerful that it even corrupts healings methods like Reiki. It is a tempting and a simple answer to say that it is simply human arrogance or human ego. We yearn for opponents with which to test out mettle, so perhaps that yearning has created an opponent with which we can struggle. Perhaps Lucifer fell only because we desired for it to be so. This grand scale experiment called human life is strange, that in a way we create what we desire, that also applies to our enemies, humanity has created or drawn an darkness to us that feeds off our very light. Time is another interesting grand scale experiment, in that if you give birth to a life-form or an energy, than that life-form/energy has always existed. Time is neither a line nor a cycle, time is an enormous spider web like structure of infinite complexity. Since if you desire now that you have a cookie in your hand. That desire will travel to all infinity and through the cycle of reincarnation that desire will ultimately end in the very soul of the cosmos which is infinite, and through that, the desire to have a cookie in your hand has existed before the cookie or you hand even came into existence. So all the desires you could have always existed, just as all the possibilities you could take because they have already been taken. The only way we can enjoy this grand illusion is to forget it is an illusion. For if we truly realised that it is nothing more than an illusion, any fears and any pleasures would vanish because if there is nothing to fear it all gets boring quickly. So cherish the illusion while desiring to change it. Realise that this is all little more than a dream, a dream of a universe high. So then, what do we desire for? We desire for what we have always desired for. To be wrapped in darkness until we find out light. To be immersed in an illusion and enjoy it to our hearts content until we no longer desire this illusion and seek something else. So the darkness that is against us is both the system that creates the illusion, and those who desire this illusion for themselves and need us to stay here to remain in this illusion. The way out of this is not through armed struggle, not through protest, not through working as we always have. It is through none of these yet it is through all of these. The key out of this is to simply desire to be out of this and act as if. To act as if you would act if you wanted out of this illusion. Since as I explained earlier the universe is simply a gigantic wishing-machine that will do as you desire then the only thing we need to do is desire differently. Not to let go of desire, or to let go of anything else. Simply to use knowledge to determine where you wish to be and your eyes to see how you can get there and then desire to be there. If you see armed struggle as the best way to get where you wish to be but are afraid for your life if you do so. Then don’t struggle, but also realise that the system you are in is exactly the way you desire for it to be because you are not willing to sacrifice what you have to get what you desire. So you will either have to desire what you have, or have what you desire. If you desire a world of freedom, equal opportunity for all, justice, welfare or even a world of war. Then you must realise that you have all the power in the universe to change the world into that which you desire. How many Germans after the 2nd world war asked themselves, "Could I have prevented all of this if I had only stood up"? How many people always ask that? That is the true knowledge that some desire you not to have, the knowledge that you have the highest power to shape the world. Ask yourself, who benefits from the present state in the world, A state where you are lead to believe that you have no power, especially no power unless you buy our magical stones or buy into the belief that your vote makes a difference. When you see who is at the top you will see who wants you to not have this knowledge. Ask yourself another question, which would be a better situation, where everyone truly tries to shape the world into one of their liking or where a few dozen world leaders shape the world into their liking. Which is better, that a cabal of world leaders, the likes of Hitler and Mussolini, Stalin and McCarthy. Or the present day equals shape a world into one of their liking. Or that we all stand up to and shape the world into what we want from it. Certainly there would be wars as there are wars now, but rarely do the people want wars. They can be lead to think they want wars to reclaim their national honour, but in the end it is always the people who are the first to end the wars, for it is always the people who suffer the most and the leaders who suffer the least. Yet without a doubt war isn’t necessarily a bad thing on its own. War is simply an armed struggle to achieve a desired aim. If you do, as most people do, believe in a life after death then the only reason to resist wars turns out to be suffering, yet people in peace can suffer just as greatly as people in war. In the gulags in Soviet Union before the 2nd world war millions of people died in forced labour camps, and there was no war. Even now in the US there are hundreds of death-row inmates waiting to be executed, yet many of them who had a retrial have been proven to be innocent. So certainly it is not so that people only suffer in a war. Certainly the nature of war is such that it compresses a long period of suffering into a short time. If Nazism had won in the past without a struggle, perhaps the amount of suffering would have been just as great as it was with this war, but it would have been spread out over a longer period of time. So to lead people to believe that war is bad and peace is good and lead people into doing massive meditations simply to achieve peace we are in a way, suppressing those who are fighting for their own views, and in a way, condemning them. When instead we should focus on why are they fighting and what can we do to remove the cause of this fighting. It is the cry of the despot, the cry of the liar to say. "I want only peace, but they want only war". So what is then the darkness? It isn’t a single source or a single specific darkness, it is the darkness of the soul and the darkness of the mind. We forget out true divine spark and replace it with a false sense of divine mission. We forget our blood is the blood of Christ, yet we spill the blood of others in the name of Christ. We heal each other with energies that say they come from above when they only confine our soul into worship of them, we forget that the tool we use to heal a person is only a tool. We worship the doctors and the scientist and we forget that they are doctors and they are scientists to improve the whole of humanity. We are lulled into believing that we have all the choice in the universe yet nothing bad can ever come from it. Shadows move, when we are not watching. And it is in their interest to lull us into believing they don’t exist. They know they need our energy to survive, and the only way they can do that is if we don’t wake up and realise what is going on. Many who wake up wake you up only out of fear, fear of them, fear of what they will do if not many are awake when it all happens, and that too in a way, ends up as worshipping them, you do all that out of fear. You worship the darkness when all you do is try to stay away from it. It only has to reach a tendril for you and you already go running and all the while it enjoys the display like a school-boy using a BB gun to torment a dog. More aware you become the more conscious you become of your choices and the harder you are to control, as your awareness grows the energy they get from manipulating you shrinks as you become aware of their manipulation and work to stop it from effecting or happening. Yet knowledge alone doesn’t matter, it is knowledge that you act on that matters. If you know that you have a disease it doesn’t change the fact that you have the disease until you decide to do something about the disease.

When you truly realise for the first time what is going on, most have felt such a darkness surround them. The darkness is half in realising what is going on and half from external in trying to hold you in bay. When you make the world outside the prison seem more dangerous than the prison you decrease jailbreaks. Yet humanity is wrapped so deep in darkness, I cannot say if we are rising or sinking. But I can say that each realisation about humanity liberates you. It liberates in that you now understand why things are such, yet every time it is harder and harder as you get closer to your own light, as your own unresolved problems start to weigh more and more heavily on you. As the first thing to stop any search is not outside resistance but internal resistance. So understand that once you reach an internal system that works it becomes very hard for external pressure to break you. That is why it is not nearly as important to focus on the darkness or how to combat anything until you have come to balance within yourself. Remember that walking is only a series of controlled imbalances. Balance doesn’t mean that you have to stay in a controlled state of equilibrium, but that you can go to imbalance and reach your balance again without crashing.

-End of chapter 7

Chapter 8

Know thyself.

"Know thy enemy and know thyself, find naught in fear for 100 battles. Know thyself but not thy enemy, find level of loss and victory. Know thy enemy but not thyself, wallow in defeat every time." Sun-Tzu "The art of war"

Even as it is good to focus on what is against you, it is better to focus within at least as much. It is prudent to always remember that you don’t fight because of the enemy, you don’t fight because of who is against you, you fight because of who you are. Once you stop resisting for the sake of resisting and realise that if you resist only to resist you become resistance itself. If you only desire enlightenment for the purpose of achieving it you become the process of striving to achieve it without ever achieving it. When you stop the act of trying to achieve something you stop the feeding of energy to the counterforce that keeps you at bay. When you try to do something, you will always create a path of your desiring, when you for example try to achieve a good physical health, you create a path of your own choosing to that physical health. Be it an exercise program and a good diet or spiritual exercise. And you also create the counterforce, the requirement to do exercise the requirement to do the meditation and the yoga. Due to the nature of time as explained earlier the desire and the counterforce manifest itself back through time and through your desire you create your body before you are even born to facilitate that desire.

So a yogi who desires a path of enlightenment will create a path back through time so that his parents in the past/present/future will be supportive in a way of his choosing. So Bodhisattva Maitreya, (Buddha) achieved enlightenment created a path to the future and the past so that he would be born into the situation that he was born in so that he would experience enlightenment. In a way that is what is meant by "I will always be here". So the past is as much fluid as the future is, you can change whatever you wish about your past by changing what ever you wish about your present and future. It will not be an easy process for most but it can be done, the realisation that it can be done, for some will come from studying quantum physics, or scriptures, or the torah, or even the playboy magazine. So the true power does not come from outside, any external source, true power over you comes from within you. So while it is good to always know what other people around you are, they are, to you, only ways of better expressing who you desire to be. They have no inherent value to you other than what you give to them, and the same applies the other way around. Laws and regulations are a way for some portion of the population to define what is acceptable and what is not. When you turn to adulthood or move to a country you in a way sign a contract which says that while you are there you will work within certain laws and regulations which define what you can do and what punishment you must receive if you do something that is contrary to those regulations. They however do not define the value of the person, the value is in the contract that was made, not in the person itself. To truly know yourself is to know everything. Yet still, to know nothing concrete. Nothing here is concrete, matter is the ficklest of mistresses. It gives you pleasures that no one else can, yet it all amounts to nothing but dust in the wind. Yet that is why it is the most vibrant of the mistresses, it can change and swirl as it desires to create an everlasting symphony of shapes. I am like a note in an opera, perfect like all the others but without others there will be no symphony, only a note. So am I then complete? Is there nothing left to do after this realisation? On the contrary! There is so much to do that the scale of possibilities it’s just completely mind-boggling.

The end of the journey is only when you desire for it to end. There is no nirvana, no end of suffering, no end of existence or heaven you have to end in, there is no final death or final birth. There is a fluffy web of life, if you desire to end your existence it will end, if you desire for it to continue it will continue. So while there is no single nirvana that all have to reach, there is a nirvana that can be reached, if you so desire.

Anything you can imagine can be done, that is the beauty of it all, in all simplicity you have to deduce the vibration of the situation that you desire and the universe it is in and deduce what your own vibration is. Look at the difference and figure out how best go about shrinking that difference to as little as possible. These are the simple steps of creation. Another simple way of explaining it is to change your vibrational frequency to match that of what you desire. Like tuning a radio, there a millions of different radio waves in the air but the radio won’t hear anything until its vibrational frequency is just right to receive. But you are not the radio because you don’t tune in. You are the radio waves in the air that are looking for the radio of your dreams, all you have to do is vibrate on a different wavelength and you will achieve your dream.

-End of chapter 8

Chapter 9

And now for something completely different!

Even as I know all this I still am filled with fear, what if I am wrong, what if I truly cant do it, what if I switch to a wrong dimension, what if this or that or something else. I know that there is evil, I know that there is good, and I know that both exist in this world we live in. I know there are illusions that shift our understandings so that one or another benefits. But what are those illusions I still don’t know, I feel I might have come across a realisation about how it works but perhaps I have not. Perhaps this is just one more way for me to shield my mind from the uncomfortability of our predicament, living in a world that hanging on by a thread like Damocles sword. So have I truly just closed my eyes or have I moved away from under the chair. I still grasp for straws to hold me above the ocean of fear like a drowning child, and I know this. So then, if I abandon this realisation out of fear that it might not be true, then I work out of fear. But what if I fear that if I have the wrong realisation I won’t get love, and then abandon this out of love, even in a twisted sense? Would that be acting out of love or out of fear, to answer that simply all I must do is sit still and wait.

What is the first reaction that happens out of fear? What is the first run instinct that I have? For me, the first fear that surfaces is that I am wrong and unworthy. So how do I address that fear? I write a book that displays my symphony for all to see. I can not guarantee that I am right, or even that I am not terribly wrong and doing a mistake that will earn me eternal damnation, that is why I will never try to convince anyone that I am right, only that I believe. I believe that humanity is the cradle of the soul, it is not a cradle that we are being pushed out of, we can remain in the cradle for an eternity if we so desire. Like all things in life what you desire is what matters. Remember always that it is not your will over god or your will over theirs, it simply is your will on its own, or your will inside gods will. God to me, doesn’t mean an entity or a force or anything tangible, it certainly isn’t the entity from scriptures or the torah.

To me, god is .

It is what cant be put into words and even saying it cant be put into words is a tremendous constricting of what god to me is, it is something that is best left undiscussed for it is something that will come from within. Yet your will, will never have to go against gods will because gods will, will never go against your will, for in a way gods will is that you do what you desire. So if you go against gods will you only strike at yourself because you are going against the will that states you can do anything, by striking at that will you are striking at your ability to go against it and thus your own force. So the more you can muster against gods will the less of yourself you will have left for all you are is then turned into the struggle. So in a way, what you do to god you do unto yourself. "What you do unto these my brethren you do unto me" Has never before been so clear. That is what is truly meant by do onto others as you would have them do onto you. For what you do onto others you truly do onto yourself for there is only one world in which you live in. And that is your own world. So, strive not against the external but strive to perfect the internal. Strive not to save the rainforests for the purpose of saving the planet, but instead know that if you desire to be alive 50 years from now, strive to save yourself. If you desire for others to remember you with fondness then do such that you can be remembered with fondness. In a way it is pointless to worry about how others can harm you and to defend yourself by creating elaborate systems to defend yourself when all it does is suck away from the world you wish to create. Is it better to give a drop of blood to feed a hungry spirit than to exhaust your entire lifetime in fighting the spirits? It will only be better if you desire for it to be better. If you desire to have knowledge and to be able to make that decision for yourself as I desire then I can say that the path I have travelled is far from an easy path. The path ahead of me is so long that to even think about it brings tears of both happiness and sadness to my eyes, to think that I can still keep doing this for so long, that there is still so much I can do. Anywhere along the path you can always buy yourself a house and settle down for retirement.

Even as there is only one world, only the world you live in there are trillions and trillions of worlds, yet there is still only one world. All of these worlds are one world yet all of these worlds are separate worlds. They are like bubbles on top of each other. When two lovers embrace, their two worlds become one world, while they are still inside a world that is inside and overlapping another and so on until infinity. When you drop down deep and small enough you realise that you fall from above as larger than the universe itself only to fall back on where you started off. While there is only one world, one existence, there are still endless amounts of worlds and existence, you change from one to another constantly yet you still only live in one even if you change it for you have always lived in that one and you will always live in that one, even if you change and transcend it you will still live in it. Your world is in a way your own "etheric bubble", it can be taken away from you but you can never be taken away from it. Others can break through it but others can never force through it. You might leave the divine but the divine will never leave you. In the darkest moments, when you are tortured for eons or trapped in darkness and you cast aside your "light" and turn to the darkest you can be, realise that while you might cast away your light the light will never cast you away, for there is only light. I mean not light in the sense that it is used in the new-age as if there even is something else than light, as if saying "love and light" means anything. You could just as easily say " and ". While I say there is only light one mustn’t forget that not all light is the same as your light. While all matter is in the end made of the same things, the matter you are made of will still be consumed if you throw yourself into a star. So while we are all light it is best to remember that even your light can be consumed. Even your existence can be ended. If you are lead to believe you have no choice in the matter you will always choose the one that is most beneficial to those lying to you. So with knowledge you will realise that there are other choices to make. With knowledge you will realise your true immortality and only with truly realising how that immortality manifests itself, in that you can always choose to not agree with those desiring to consume you. Only through continuously re-aligning yourself with what you desire to be can you move away from that which you desire not to be. Fighting it for the purpose of fighting it will do no good, but fighting it for the purpose of realigning yourself will. So who do I think is the evil then? Who do I think are the evil entities that seek to do harm to you. I will not say, for I am not sure. All that I can tell you is that knowledge truly protects and value yourself.

Anyone who seeks to take you up on their divine ship and doesn’t ask if you desire to go is working against you. Anyone who leads you to believe that you can’t resist them, regardless of how much good it does is always seeking to benefit themselves at your expense. Even a farmer takes good care of his cows and might even love them, but he still raises them only to be butchered. But if a farmer were not to raise the cows would the species of cows now have millions and millions of members across the world. So in a way farming cows had made cows one of the dominant race on the planet. But where they ever asked if it is what they wanted? Even if your lifespan is prolonged and your life is made easier and longer, if you desire to die young and party hard and go through as difficult a life as you desire then is it still not a intrusion on your will to take you? The only knowledge that you need is that you always have the absolute control over your own life, you can easily leave even the center of a black hole, be it physical, spiritual or mental. Anyone who would have you believe that you are here to serve them or that you have no choices in a matter is working against you, for anyone working for you will always ask you what you desire. Yet not all who ask what you desire are working for you. Trust in yourself, trust in your instincts and you will make it out alive.

-End of chapter 9

Epilogue 1

What’s this all about I wonder?

This book chronicles my thoughts as much as it does my emotions. In a way it is a trip through my mind, and my trip through the purgatory. When I began to write this book I had just separated from my girlfriend and that reflected itself onto how I spoke and what I said. As I went through the different phases of the break up I thought and felt differently. This of course makes the book contradictory at times, yet there is still an underlying direction that should remain the same. For me, the very writing of this book represents a purgatory, in that I burn the emotions into these words. I've felt for a long time that I have a lot to teach and to give but I lacked the passion to write it, but strangely, a very depressing break up gave me the strength to write enough so I could always look back on it and gain strength to write more. There are of course parts in the book that might appear contradictory with other parts, but you must always remember that they are written at different times. To use a metaphor, when you want to get from where you are to a market you walk there, yet sometimes you turn left and sometimes right on the same road that leads to the market, so if you think that turning left is contradictory to turning right it will of course seem as if you are contradicting. But if realise that you turn left because you are at that point in the road to turn left, and you turn right because you are at that point to turn right, you will understand that it isn’t necessarily a contradiction as much as it is dependant on the time when it was said.

End of epilogue 1

-End of book 1

Book 2

Prologue 2

For the mind

I wrote the first book about a month ago. It focused mostly on mental concepts and ideas, yet it never ceases to amaze me how it takes a good sharp kick in the sense of self to get me writing again. Perhaps I try to prove my worth to myself and a way to do that is to write, to spread the wisdom I believe I have gathered. In this time I gathered wisdom and knowledge one thing has happened, I have become acutely aware of how the world works, yet the awareness of it has pushed me to the sides as I am also aware of what has been programmed into me and what has been programmed out of me. And as I am aware of these programming I am no longer able to act as if they are not there and as they are, in the case of people not aware of them, an integral part of human communication I find myself increasingly isolated from the world. And through that isolation comes the creeping madness that floats at the edge of my consciousness like a hungry dog waiting for my mind to finally trip and fall so it can feast on the carrion of my sanity. Yet I pull myself up again and who knows, perhaps I will one day go insane and the wolfs of insanity will devour my mind, but in that what I was will pass through them only to end as dirt in the ground for flowers to grow from. So even in disaster there is beauty. Yet it all depends on what I desire to be, and the more I have been alive the less I desire to be in this world, the more I desire to live in a world of a fantasy, what fantasy I desire changes from time to time, yet I still desire to live in a fantasy, yet most fantasy worlds, while being complex are still mere shadows of this world. Even as this world is an illusion. Yet we are the fantasy of a god, we are the illusion created by a world trying to figure itself out. Even as I realise all this I realise that I don’t know anything. Even after this I still don’t know if there truly is a god and a devil and all this I am going through is just god or the devil playing tricks on me, or testing me. What can I possibly have to teach you if I don’t even know what this is all truly about? Yet I strongly believe I have something to teach, perhaps I cant give you the answer, and in the end, I still believe that no one can ever give you any answers, I can only ask the questions I have come across and perhaps teach you what I believe in. But seeing how I am now, melancholy and depressed, is what I believe in truly so good as it does not liberate me from such things. But contrary to what many would tell you, it takes more than a second to see if a action is good or bad. If you observe 2 people fighting and stop them without knowing that they are only practicing in a friendly match so they can better protect their loved once should someone attack them? You will make a harsh and a quick judgement in error. So judge my thoughts based on more than how they appear now.

For the second book I will try to teach you more about healing and how to work on yourself and others and how to apply some of the knowledge I taught you in the first book. How to apply to practicality the thought of you being the beginning and the end, the one who exists simply to exist? To realise that your past is created by your future self and you are created by your past self and your future self is created by your present self. That there is nothing more to you than the desire to exists. That your very existence is, in essence, a miracle, that your soul consciousness is even here is a minor miracle.

As time goes by I find it more and more difficult to hold together the knowledge I have gathered. The difficulty is not in understanding but bringing very large mental concept to the fore and holding them there and describing it without breaking it into too small pieces for anyone to see anymore. It is like painting, I have to move the brush to a single direction over and over again in many different places before you begin to see the shape that is clear in my head. I have now only painted a vague outline of what I try to describe. Even if I spent the rest of my days trying to explain it completely I couldn’t do it. But I can take select pieces of it and show them to you and hope you can make something of them.

End of prologue 2

Chapter 1


The first thing you must understand about healing is that it happens not because of the will of the universe or of gods will, but that will is present in it as well. Not even because of the will of the patient but that is also present in it. But because of your own will. It can be called healing because the patient is willing and the healer and the patient are working together for a common goal, which is health and improvement for the patient. And gods will is present in the process of healing in that it makes it possible, as much as it makes it possible for you to rip the soul of the patient to shreds and cast them on the winds. Gods will has no preference, it only creates, it creates a situation in which we can express who we desire to be. There is no karma that works against you because it is conscious or someone is directing it. It works simply because it is a law of existence. In fact one might even say it is one of the laws of everything, that what ever you do, there will be a reaction of some kind. Is it a opposite and equal reaction is not set in stone, but the very act of creation requires something to happen because of your action, and karma is a vessel of creation. If you take a brush to a canvass and paint you are utilising karma. The karma of your action of taking a brush to the canvas creates the reaction of a shape appearing. Not all karmic interactions are this simple however they can be this simple or as complex as the existence of the universe. So if you do indeed rip the soul of your patients to pieces you can rest assured that the karmic response will most certainly not be pleasant, it doesn’t necessarily mean that someone will come and rip your soul to pieces but it means that you have the stigmata of a soul ripper on you and creatures who can see that will act towards you in a way that reflects this. Imagine the stigmata of a soul ripper like having a swastika on your forehead, certainly it makes life a bit more difficult if you live in Germany or in fact, almost anywhere in Europe or the world for that matter. But there are of course places where you can go and avoid that stigma perhaps forever but the stigma will remain.

So all healing, all existence in fact is creation, you create what you desire and if you desire to heal people then you must understand some basic rules. Such as karma and perhaps the first law of existence, that god has no preference. You do not channel god who desires for the patient to be healed when you do a hands on energy healing. You simply channel a creator who desires for you to create, so your desire to heal and your desire to do what ever it is that you do will define how that energy works. And rest assured that if you clear your mind of thoughts and just channel energy without a specific thought on how that energy should work you will channel either what your mind and subconscious desires or you will channel someone else’s will. If you are lucky you will channel the patients will and thus act as a pure object for creation for the patients. You will channel what ever the patient wants to happen at the moment. So if the patient wants to be ill you will make them ill. But as most healers are incapable of thinking that wanting to be ill is of equal value than wanting to be well they start to close off the possibility that the patient in fact wants to be ill and while they do desire to get well they most often desire for a certain interaction or for the message they wanted to convey to get across. A child gets ill when he doesn’t want to go to school. It is easier to get ill in your soul or in your mind, and harder to get ill in your body yet is it is not unheard of to be able to rise a fever with thought alone. As a healer slowly begins to close their mind to the thought that, the desire of the patient to be ill is in fact what they desired to create and the healer begins to more and more focus on purely healing without knowing what is making the patient ill, we are moving closer and closer to the way modern medicine works, where we treat the illness but not the soul that chooses to be ill.

So I ask that you understand above all else that you will always have the responsibility for your own actions. Even if you manage to tune into the mind of the patient and do exactly as they ask yet you are not aware of this tuning in, then is it not possible for someone to come to you and lie about what they want and get you to sacrifice yourself to them without you even knowing it. Or worse yet, is it not possible for you to be manipulated by some spirits that get between your mind and the patients mind and make you harm the patient to make you lose your reputation and thus make it easier for them to feast on sick humans.

I ask that you also understand that creator has no preference, it only creates. It makes it possible for you to choose, if you only channel a higher energy and adhere to that higher will you will truly channel something higher but it won’t be god because god is like the scientist watching something, creating but not participating.

When I said in my first book that methods become corrupt this is what I meant, they become corrupt not by god, but by those impersonating to be it. The thought of only channelling the energy is good only as long as no one corrupts the energy that you channel. The energy itself is always pure but if you place no wish on it then someone can climb higher than you and place a wish on the energy that gets sent to you. If you receive energy from a higher source that seems pure, it is always as pure but there can still be a wish on it that was not placed by you. It is like water, it sustains us but if misused and directed through a water cannon, it will kill us.

So when people only open themselves up to be a channel it only takes a small, small adjustment in the energies, or in the energies of the teacher or even some random spirit to change the energy so it no longer heals or works for your best interest but works against you. And unless you become aware of this and move to consciously change how this energy is diverted it will continue to work against you because that is what you desire by letting it happen. I have been a Reiki teacher, Reiki is a Japanese spiritual healing method. And I noticed in it the very same thing, the ever so subtle manipulation that changed what it was for. I couldn’t tell if the manipulation was entered into the energy line before it was handed to Mikao Usui, the founder of Reiki, if he did it himself or if it simply became corrupted in the passage of time but as I observed people from different Reiki lineages I noticed the same thing present in all of them, and in myself as well. I began to change myself until I realised that I no longer could say I was a reiki-ist without feeling hesitant and uneasy. So I finally left Reiki. This is not a criticism of healers that use Reiki, you didn’t invent Reiki and you most certainly didn’t corrupt it, but you are willing participants in a method that while feels very, very good for the person, has become very corrupt and it has began to change the people working on it very deeply. I don’t and won’t try to convince people already working with Reiki that the energy is most likely nefarious in the long term but this is what I observed. But the problem is far, far larger than simply with Reiki, it is with almost every spiritual healing and spiritual communication and channelling I have ever come across and the problem itself is very simple. The problem is the belief that god has a preference. This single belief is what separates humans from each other and makes us all afraid of each other and easy pray like cattle. When we believe god has a preference we work our best to please that preference or rebel against it and turn to the anti-god side, which is of course the side that planted the thought in our head that god has a preference. So what ever we do we are already doomed. That perhaps is the sin we were born with.

Us humans are the hardest of judges on ourselves, when we are told that god loves all equally we rebel, we scream out in anger. "How can god love my neighbour who is fat and barbeques meat and the stench makes me sick while I am a good vegetarian and I exercise often". When we are confronted with the idea that, while we humans and other creatures in this universe can have a preference what made this universe has no preference, we are also confronted with the idea that suddenly god is no longer on our side and against the infidels, but on the side of the infidels as well as the criminals and murderers and the holy men and pagans. But for god to truly equally love all means that someone can come up to you, torture your family to death before your eyes and then slowly kill you and god loves it equally as it does you. This is a concept that will take humanity millennia’s to truly come to terms with. But it removes the power of judge from the hands of god where we placed it and we take that power to our own hands, like a child who move out for the first time on his own. No longer will we rely on a god we can manipulate and turn to our side every time we needed the gentle hand to hold us. But now that hand is your hand, my hand, the hand of god is the hand you shake in the church, the hand you give the change to in the grocery and the hand that forms the planet.

So understand that you don’t heal by forcing the universe to adhere because it does not yield to force, it yields to creation and realising that you are the creator. So you heal of your will but not with your will, you heal with your heart but the act of healing comes from you. Do not seek to force the universe to adhere to your will, only realise that it has always done so and you only need to realise this fact and dance on the stream rather than try to force it where it does not wish to go.

End of chapter 1

Chapter 2

Other forms of healing

A prayer is perhaps one of the strongest forms of creation without it having a physical shape, you pray and ask god to do something specific, you ask god to create something. And as the creator it is it responds and creates. You ask god to create health and so it does. But even gods will, will not go against your will so you must truly desire to be healthy and that is where healing gets involved. We all have the power to create everything we would desire but since our personality, our psyche our soul is so shattered that we lack cohesion and thusly one part desires to be ill while another desires to be well. Healing in essence is nothing more than taking a part of the patient and transforming the will of that part to overcome the will of the other parts, this, however is not something that is to be done forcibly as even the parts that go against the majority of the persons soul are still parts of that soul, so to overcome is not to overcome with brute force only, but to answer and appease the part of the soul that created the illness. And to that you need more than temporary healing powers to cure the body, you need a great mind and a great soul so you can truly guide the person to their own health. You need to transform the entire universe for that person so they no longer need the illness that they once had, but this is where gods will is essential. You could do it all yourself and control the very workings of the universe but your mind would implode before you even put your hands on the first patient. So you must understand that while it is possible to do all of this on your own without any help from outside, the stress and the strain is so enormous that as a human you need outside help. You need the help of your guides and you do not have to supplement gods will, you only have to have the desire to heal and ask gods will for this to happen and it will, in some shape. So your desire for the patient to be healed and to understand the nature of their illness has to be stronger than the pieces of the patient that desire to be ill. As most people that come to you for healing already have decided to be well but haven’t been able to convince other parts of their soul of this. It is also obvious that by working on them you are working with them and the pieces should all be aligned quite easily, it can take many months of work but the work itself should be of easy nature. If however, there is a deep shattering of the persons mind and they are no longer in any state to make up their own mind then what I would recommend is that you look over the patient and clean their field of all that they no longer need and focus on giving the patient a healthy good place to think what they desire to do, with as little actual interference from you as possible. As this is a time when you with a desire can do immense mind control if you should so desire. If a patient comes to you and their will is shattered and you desire money from them, then you can quite easily pick the shatter of the mind that gives you the most profit and enhance that aspect of the mind so it can overcome the others. And as the patient comes to you for clarity and you give them clarity, even if the clarity is not of their choosing the karma you will receive from this is both positive and negative, depending on how you look at it, but you can rest assured that you will be manipulated in a similar sense if you desire to manipulate others in that sense. So, it is hard to keep your mind to yourself and flow healing energy to the patient and let the patient decide. As long as you keep a pure will in desiring what the patient chooses to desire then even if you notice you are doing manipulation on the patient you can usually rest assured that that is what the patient has chosen to desire. But even as being assaulted happens because of your desire to be assaulted it is still a hard balance to strike on what is appropriate.

Respect above all others is what makes healing a healing. You can manipulate a person to dance on the head of a pin but if you don’t respect them there can be no healing. You can be the most powerful energy worker but only respect for others will make you a healer. This is something you have to go deep inside yourself for and look around, do you truly respect others, and do you have some racists or chauvinistic tendencies. If you have no respect for white people and your patient is white and you try to heal you must understand that even if it might work well you are still being dishonest and you are getting on a very slippery slope. In the moment of healing nothing outside of you, the patient and the divine will should enter into the account, it shouldn’t matter to you if the person you are healing just killed your entire family if you have chosen to heal. If you are consciously seeking to do harm to the patient then it is not healing and don’t treat it as such, if you are only working on the patient to cause them harm so the police can catch them that is more than fine as it is what you are doing. But doing such things and calling them healing will slowly begin to pollute your talent. One stumble in the wrong place can land you back at the bottom off the hill. So again, understand that healing is simply manipulation within the will of the creation and the will of your patient to lead one shattered piece of the patient to majority over the rest and through that, into a situation of the patients choosing, hopefully, health.

As you do more and more healings you get into a more and more healing state of mind in your everyday affairs, it is akin to working out, you slowly begin to get into a better shape. And the healing energy you use begins to pass more and more into your daily affairs and people around you will start getting better without knowing it was you that caused them to get better.

A healer must have as little judgement as possible. You will get patients who have caused grievous harm to others and the karma is now causing it back on them and you must decide either to do the healing with no judgement or not to do it at all. It is not your place as a healer to judge, only to guide the person. But it is your place as a human to judge, as a human you are in more than a appropriate condition to judge the person and if you desire to work with them or to heal them. But once the healing commences all judgement should be left outside as if you bring it in then you will also bring in your desire to corrupt or prefer one aspect of the psyche of the patient over another, and that is not what a healer does, that is what a manipulator does. As this is very hard for a normal human to do, even for me it is immensely hard to set aside my own preferences and work on anyway, it is more than prudent of me to tell you that you shouldn’t feel the least bit ashamed to turn down a patient. You can only work effectively on those that are close enough to your own alignment. So while we are all rainbows, while we are all everything, what does the piece of you that you are no desire. The very act of being fragmented is what makes creation possible. If there is only one then there is no creation. As above so below, god fragmented itself to create us, we fragment ourselves to create more of us and even our body is fragmented into cells and different cells for different tasks. So the person you are now is like one cell in the body, even though you are as a whole the entire body, what you are now is only a cell. So the more you understand the duality that you are the creator and the creation the more focused you can become. You can heal everything and everyone who comes to you if you so desire, but don’t do it because the person comes to you but do it because it is what you desire to do as an expression of who you are. What do you wish this existence to say of yourself and your desires? Remember that there is nothing wrong with the universe or with you, it is simply what has been created, the judgement on it doesn’t come from above, only from what you desire to be in this existence. And without that judgement, without a preference for matter to be here as opposed to there, there would be no life. There would only be a blob of matter that never formed the galaxies or the stars and the planets. So your desire to limit yourself to a certain area, while limiting and blocking you from all you can be will still be an integral part of creation. The only problem is keeping up those limitations when you no longer desire for them to be there. That is why it is imperative that you define yourself over and over again and to the best of your ability continuously seek to seek out parts of yourself that inhibit this new definition of you. To tear down the walls that no longer keep that out which you do not desire, but keeps you in and separate from what you desire. Some day, you will no longer have need for walls, and that is the day you will rejoice in using them. When you no longer do it for your survival but do it as an act of creation, a conscious act of creation. Then you'll truly feel liberated, you are shaping yourself over and over again not to survive, but to express yourself, you dance on the head of the pin, not because you are forced there but because you choose to be there.

So, judge something nothing because it is bad, but it is not what you desire to be and form this world into one where you desire to be.

End of chapter 2

(picture of an woman angel dancing on the head of the pin with both feet on the top of the pin facing the camera with one leg going slightly on top of the other sideways, similar to a model pose with hands somehow extended and a huge silk like cloth on her shoulders that blows in the wind behind her and transparent sort of like butterfly wings, more like dragonfly wings though on her back of the "average" angel size and all this floating in space and planets in the background. Face looks either at the camera or to the bottom right corner of the painting with an introspective look on her face mixed with sorrow)

Chapter 3

The exercise and the guru

The first exercise I can give you is very simple, perhaps the simplest of all the exercises yet in its own right the most revolutionary. Move your bed around, or change the way you sleep in your bed. If you usually sleep so that your head faces north and body south, turn yourself around and sleep so that your feet face north and your body south, or from east to west and so on. It has one of the biggest effects I have noticed with the smallest amount of work possible. Try it and notice if there is a change in your energy level in different sleeping directions, if the energy level starts to decrease over time try to determine what causes it and if then would be a good time to switch back to another direction.

Many spiritual teachers, healers, masters, gurus and so on, speak of getting the worthy together and leaving this planet, as if this planet will be doomed, or that the rest of humanity desires the destruction that we as a species are bringing to ourselves. You must have come across the thought of leaving the unworthy behind and taking only those that the religion deems worthy up onto a higher vibration and away from this planet. Yet earth, is of the highest vibration, it is us humans that dragged it down to this level. Even if we were manipulated and tricked behind the scenes by aliens or Lucifer or black dragons or the bad guys of your choice it was still our choice and we were the ones that did all the handiwork. I have thought about this in my time a lot, and for what its worth, know that a piece of me will always remain here to guide those that desire my guiding. I do not, for a moment believe, that this planet or even this society is doomed to die. Certainly we would have to go through an immense change in our values and paradigms but it is by far, not the hardest thing we would have to do. That is what makes it so terribly frightening, when you know that it would be so very easy to correct, if not all of our mistakes, then a very large part of them. And even now, with such small mistakes to correct most of the people who think of themselves as spiritually high are already ready to tuck their tails between their legs and run away. It is like watching a child grow up, as the child gets older and older the less he wants to be a child until when he is an adult or an old man, he suddenly starts wanting to be a child again. What I am, in a way, scared of, is that most of the people who are running away from a small problem, because when you look at what humanity is facing now, with global warming, pollution, depleted uranium, oil shortages, wars and so on. They are, compared to any sort of true difficulties, very easy to solve if we even had a small dose of working together. If people are ready to run away from a trouble they created the moment it starts to come around and bite them in the butt what kind of a high moral value, and high responsibility is it?

We created this situation, never forget that we have the tools to un-create it. So, a part of me will always remain here to help those who ask for help. There have been and there certainly will be, times when I desire to leave this world and go somewhere peaceful and beautiful, to be in a better world. But I made a promise and that promise will hold I will not run away from my own choices.

Many humans living on this world are mirrors, are like made of glass and lacking any inner value, but this lacking of value doesn’t make them any less human. And what they lack is not really value, but of willpower, the willpower to bring out their own values, or choose from the world around what values they desire to make as their own. They are often described as soulless humans. And that they are, in a way, but so would be you if you had not chosen otherwise. Yet if a table has a soul, then why does not a soulless human have a soul? Well, in a way they do have a soul, but they lack the inner, or perhaps, the higher thoughts and morals. Very often when a person lacks the willpower to bring out his own higher self, they will simply go along with what is the path of least resistance in society, and for now, the path of least resistance is the path of the bully, the path of the psychopath. So, the people that lack a higher sense of self and simply reflect what society is giving them are not evil, they are simply a mirror in which we can see ourselves. The person who has the mindset of the masochist will often draw to them the sadist and if they should attract a masochist they will become the sadist. This is the nature of like attracts like. If you have the saviour complex you attract those who desire a saviour. If you have the victim mind-set you will always attract those who take advantage of that. So, our society now is bitterly divided between self and others. Between either doing good to yourself or doing good to others, and that as the ultimate definition of good. In most spiritual and religious circles helping others is inherently good and helping self is inherently bad. And while in most business and private circles helping self is good and helping others is bad. Of course not always so and the lines between helping self and others is drawn in the sand so it changes all the time. But helping self and helping others is not any better in defining good than is being civilised or not being civilised. So, society now is going through the phase of self versus others, and the mirrors only reflect this. The only mirror is not the school bully, the one that is unable to bring her own choices to the surface, but the mirror is in the other end of the scale as well, the highly spiritual people that only work to help others, but lack the higher thoughts on why they should do such. They do it because they are led to do it so the rest of humanity can sit between these two mirrors and reflect what they are. While the whole of humanity slowly turns the mirrors slowly move as well and we change the polarity between the two until we no longer need to view ourselves through a mirror. But in the end, is there any true soul in humanity or are we all just mirrors reflecting each other till eternity, all the while lacking any true center. Then again, the question should be is there even such a thing as a true center, and the only real answer is that everything exists because everything is. "I think, therefore I am" Is a good beginning to the road to finding your own soul but is by far not the end of the road. The next step should be, "I choose, therefore I am" Even if you have the highest of knowledge’s and the highest of consciousnesses but cant make a single choice about anything then you still certainly exist, but as a observer, not as a creator. It is an existence not above or below of this existence, but a creator without clay to shape is a lonely creator. That is why this reality is so coveted, why we as a people are so manipulated and pulled into so many different directions by so many entities who say they want what is best for us and seek to bring us to higher densities. Certainly, I would not as a creator, desire to leave a level of existence where I can simply walk in a forest and by the very act of walking create so many waves that speak of my existence that even the highest of consciousnesses cant see all of them. We don’t need to move to a higher density before we can become creators, we are already creators, we only need to realise that and start to create. That is the worst fear of those who strive so hard to enslave humanity, that we realise that we don’t need their help to become creators, or that we don’t need to ascend to a higher plane, a plane that they are constantly trying to get us into to be creators. Water vapour is a higher density of water, meaning that it has a higher vibration, more energy and lower matter concentration. Yet we can’t drink water vapours, so why should it inherently be something to strive for. Shouldn’t we strive for what we desire to strive for?

And that is what many spiritual gurus these days fail to teach, that this world or a higher world are irrelevant to who you wish to be, the world you live in does not define you, you define you and the world only reflects and serves as a point you can use to better define yourself.

Yet strangest of all is the teaching that when we die we go to a higher density, and we should strive now, to go to a higher density because this world will head for some kind of calamity, combined with the teaching that many hostile aliens are trying to take over our bodies. It is like saying that because we will die one day we must strive to die now, and because some animals will probably eat some of us we must all run away for the lion sanctuary. Using the element of fear and telling of true dangers that threaten humanity, then making all the wrong conclusions and suggestions is a good way to manipulate. It is like the thief that comes to you and explains how pickpockets in this area have become very dangerous and they should give him their wallets so that he can look after them. The only advice I can give is to remember that your surroundings does not define you, you are you in a prison as well as in a palace. The less willpower, the less inner quality, you have, the more you will change with the surroundings. That, of course, depending on if you even desire to be unchanging while everything around you changes, if you make a conscious choice to change wherever you go then that is a different story, but if the change is involuntary. If you are happy at a party but sad in prison, you should ask the question, what really defines you, is it you or what material the walls of your prison are made of. True balance does not come in any extreme, being unmovable will make you uncompassionate, and cold, being too easy to move will make you lose your center as people can change you from a healer to a murderer by the slightest of nudges.

While the location you are in this universe can change, the same endless supply of love and of energy is still there. As long as you ground your energy intake into this reality and the laws of this reality you will only be able to live on what this reality gives you. You can, slowly, begin to open your centres so you can draw in energy from places not of this reality. There are gurus that can sustain themselves on the energy of light and simply sit in the sun and never have to eat anything. While that, in on itself is a commendable accomplishment it is far more commendable to be able to sit in a dark cell in forgotten prison somewhere and sustain yourself without food. I have not tried to do this so I can’t give you advice from a personal success, but I can give you pointers on how I believe it can be done. But as with all work, it depends on you. And with little imagination, you can imagine what this ability to sustain yourself without physical energy and the ability to heal yourself and others without losing your own energy have in common.

You must ground yourself to this reality if you desire to exist in this reality, you must have like the anchor of a ship, the constant ability to ground yourself to this existence on a moments notice or you risk losing your grounding, your body, and in the end, your sanity. Have a foot ready on the break while you accelerate or you will quickly spin out of control and dead on the side of the road.

End of chapter 3

(An angel standing facing a group of dark faceless creatures in darkness and the angel is glowing bright. Angel should be about maybe 1/3 of the length of the dark creatures and camera should be behind the angle on the right and looking up at the faces of the dark creatures. Not showing the face of the angel. Wings should be extended.)

Chapter 4

Eloquent in the simplicity in complexity

Healing is far more complex and far simpler in all its eloquence than I can ever describe. You can heal with the blade as you can with the club, you can heal with the smallest of changes and with the most radical of shifts. What I try to teach is not a single method, it is the method of understanding that healing is above all else, a state of man, a state of being. Most importantly in healing is to be in a shape that you can heal before you try to heal. No matter your desire to do something if you are ill-equipped to do it you will push yourself far too hard for far too little. If you, instead, focus on gathering what you need to heal before you start to heal, you will use less of an effort for more gain. And if you heal others to fill your own energies, it is needless to say that it will cause harm. To truly heal it must be your desire to heal, not your desire to feel good that is in control. While healing, when done well, will cause you to feel good that should never be the main motivator, it should always be present and you should always be aware that everything you do you do for that motivator, to feel what you desire to feel, and that which you desire to feel feels good, not necessarily pleasurable but it does feel good. When you do healings you must be aware of the difference between feeling good and feeling pleasure. If you get your pleasure from doing a good healing and getting the patient to be what they desire to be then you are one step better. If you, on the other hand, get your pleasure from doing healing without any thought to the end result, you will only produce patients, not people that are well. Through your wish to carry out the act of healing, you will create someone whom needs your healing and then comes to you, and then you both feed and give that person energy and very often they will never get better, they will only feel good because of the interaction but not good on their own. That is because your wish to do healing has created the patient. That is true for normal medical science as much as it is true for alternative healers. In the rush to find patients you generate illnesses so you can have more patients. So I can recommend that you do not lift up the act of healing any higher than you must. It is the end result, the health that you must lift up, we are healers not because we heal, but because our patients are well.

Perhaps then, the best healer never has a patient because his path is not filled with illness but with health. What ever the answer, it is clear that at this level, isolating yourself from the rest of society and saying that you have no illness around you because you are the best healer on the planet is, at best, a little unwise. So, how can one work within the system of a wish generating the situation in which you can work out that wish, and to wish for health and that wish generating illness. When one becomes aware of this circle of creation, this yin/yang effect, how does one still wish for anything as with the simple wish one creates both sides of the puzzle? When one wishes for salvation one must of course create something that one is saved from, so by wishing for heaven one creates hell. So how is it possible then, to reach for one direction and not have your rear go in the other direction? There is an example for this that I have in my mind, imagine a ball, and inside that ball is a pen, and written on the inside of that ball are words, words like love/hate, success/failure, anger/calm, and so forth, when the tip of the pen points at love, the end of the pen invariably points at hate. That pen is humanity, often seeing things in black and white, with one side or another. Only with growth will one be able to create something without creating the counterforce to balance it out. But to do that, you must have awareness of what each part of you is doing so you can move your entire existence and break out of the yin/yang circle of creation and imprisonment. For if you always create the counterforce with what ever you create, nothing you do will ever have an effect. Nothing will ever matter, in that sense, this reality is the perfect sandbox, in that nothing we do will ever affect anything. We are free to play and kill and maim and slaughter, and at the end of the day we can all look back and giggle at it. It is, in a way very easy and carefree, but it will never matter on it own right, it will only matter based on what you desire, so all of creation would hinge on you and not on any right of its own. So then, I ask, is there a world beyond this world with moral rules and true struggles for survival where you can truly die, where your existence really can end. Is there a true damnation that can be handed to you, is there a world where when you kill a person they truly remain dead? For if there is, that world is certainly not this world. Is there something we have done to earn a place in a heaven like this, in which we can do nothing and it only affects ourselves in the end? That you can kill someone and certainly, their existence in this world will end but they will then sit on the edge of a cloud and giggle at us, like playing tag, they might be it but they are not truly dead. The only ones that would be grieving are the ones still in this world, still in this illusion, but the one who is dead is still alive. So then the act itself has no value, only the value that it reflects on others, even pain is not real, it is simply your body informing you that it is being damaged. Only when we combine that thought of damage with the illusion of our own mortality does it become painful. So is this world then, I ask you, a high heaven or a low hell, what ever we do nothing will ever matter. You can fall in love, you can have children, you can kill innocent people and devour their existence, yet none of this matters as at the end of they day, they all end up back in another realm ready to try it again. That is, when one assumes that the soul is immortal, but is it true, is the soul, truly, immortal? What if after all, the soul is like the body, it does not die when the body dies but it is far from immortal? Like all things alive, it requires a concentration to exist, it requires a concentrated effort to retain its existence. How does then, the background energy come into the equation. Does a soul then tap into the background energy and retain its existence for an eternity. If tapping into this energy is as easy in astral form as it is in physical form then there would be no need for souls to fight in higher levels as they would get all their resources and all their supplements from an ambient energy for all eternity. If it would then, be easier to devour souls than to tap into the background energy then of course these souls that were to be devoured would group together and defend each other, while the devourers would then have to expend more and more energy in trying to get some of their energy and the equation would in the end, become a negative one. In essence, they would have to expend more energy than they would gain. That might be, where a world like earth comes in.

Humans get our supplements from animals and plants because they don’t offer resistance. We are so advanced compared to cows that they can’t offer any meaningful resistance to our attempts to devour them. Not to mention our attempts to devour grass and leaves and wheat and so on. Invariably, if the universe is billions of years old, there are races that are almost as old. If existence started when universe started, but if the universe is only one aspect of existence then there can be races older than the universe, but humanity, is only maybe 50.000 years old. 250.000 years if we believe modern sciences optimistic estimates, and perhaps 5 million years if we believe most alternative theories. Even if we assume we are 100 million years old our modern technology is still perhaps 5.000 years old. If an intelligent race developed 500 million years after the universe was born, it would now be over 10 billion years old, the technology they would have is so incredible that the resistance we could offer to them is so laughable, indeed, the technology that they have is so incredible that they could very easily masquerade as gods. So then, if we assume that it is easier to devour others than to tap into the background energy of the universe, as it appears to be for more complex life-forms. Plants can sustain themselves by drawing in energy from the sun and by eating nutrients, minerals and things not self sentient. Yet how many cow can do that, or lions, or humans? Certainly, there are humans that are capable of doing that but they are an exception to the rule. So it is safe to assume that as at this level it is easier to sustain ourselves by eating other life forms than it is to draw our energy from the ambient energy surrounding everything, it is the same through the universe. While it might be easier for some creatures, as it is easier for plants, it is hard for other creatures, why then are we humans on the top of this pyramid of suffering on this planet, or are we even on top. Is there something on top of us which will feast on our energy and something on top of that and something on top of that?

For one to be good, one must respect free will above all others. So good will not interfere on our behalf as is has not interfered on the behalf of the cows, or of the pigs, or of the wheat we kill to sustain ourselves. So why would it suddenly interfere on our behalf as a species to stop those feeding on us for the mere purpose of interfering. What would qualify us to make the cut to be saved but not those above us. In fact, what would qualify us to be saved at all? Why would those that respect free will destroy the free will of those eating from us to respect our free will to eat of cows? Or the cows free will to eat of the grass. In fact, if they do interfere they would be as bad as those who try to eat us, as we have chosen to be or not to be eaten. Through this reasoning then, it is safe to say that none of us who still eat will be helped by anything outside of us. If we are to be saved we must strive and change so that we no longer uphold this pyramid of feeding.

But even as this seems likely to be true, that we are not on top of the food chain, does it affect us more than this life, if all of our energy is consumed and we die, are we then truly dead, or can we still rise and try again. Is there such a thing as final death, does this circle of reincarnation ever truly end. Is there anything that can truly end it? As if it never ends then nothing ever matters. If you can always load the game and try again, then it doesn’t matter that you die, no matter how horrible your death? Perhaps we are all undead, in that we never go to death.

If none of my actions can stop the existence of another entity, then none of my actions can ever save the existence of another entity. If I can never do harm I can never do good as no one can ever do harm so there will never be a real need to heal. Even if I heal the wounds of the soul, if the soul itself can never die, then I am only prolonging its existence in the illusion and wrapping it deeper into the illusion. While this illusion is a great illusion, in that it has taken me many long years to realise that it really is an illusion, not just this physical world, or the spiritual world, the reincarnation and all, it is all an illusion, illusion created for us, supposedly, by us. That is one thing that I desire to figure out. Where does this illusion end, is there a border beyond which lies reality. Is there an edge to the sand box or is this sand box like mars that I can forever walk it, but I will never be able to leave it with the strength I have now? Then again, if I truly leave this illusion and find mortality, true, mortality, then will I be able to face that world, will I have the power to come out of my child's skin and take on the skin of a true adult, a truly mortal man, whose dreams vanish, whose existence ends when his time runs out. After eons of existence, eons of life, reincarnation, loves, losses and all things normal. Would I truly be willing to go out in a final bang that lasts only a blink of an eye in comparison? I know that there are those who have come back from near death, those who can enter the gates of heaven or of what ever their belief is, and come back to talk of it. But is that truly life after death, or is it only the clever creation of someone who is watching our lives and leading us down the illusion of immortality. Watching as you begin to die, feeding images into your consciousness and then bringing you back. With technology beyond ours this would be easily possible. Seeing as you communicate with an loved one while they are alive and when they die, coming to you and wearing the skin thin mask of your loved one and pretending to be them. To lead you to believe in your immortality, in leading you to believe that you can stop struggling as all will be well in the end. Alas, I will not know for sure until I am truly dead. So that is to say that truly, live every moment of your life as if it was your last because you will never know if it is, the last moment of the last life you will ever have. Treasure that life as you treasure every breath, it might never come back.

Chapter 5


Most people blind their minds and blind their souls willingly, knowingly, and all too eagerly. They want to feel good about themselves and they know there is a great deal of suffering in the world, they want to do something about it, yet they want to maintain their own comfort level. For some people that comfort level is their own thoughts, what gives them comfort is the thought that they are working as they believe is best to change the world and that goal becomes what gives them all the comfort they need to continue working. These are the people that become the saints of legends, the people that are able to push through even the hardest of obstacles with the last ounce of strength they have left. They may very well die in the process but they will never give up trying for them to lose their comfort, the feeling of doing good, would be as bad as it is for most to lose the house they live in. So they are struggling for what they believe in, and they have concentrated all they wish to be into all they are and that which they wish to be is no longer anything external of themselves, so even if things outside change, they will remain the same inside.

So that is how the people of legends are. How then, are the normal people? The normal people tie their comfort to objects and things outside of themselves. They need food to be happy, they need water to be happy, they need external love to be happy. These are all admirable things as they prolong the life of your body and give you more opportunity to express who you are. By focusing your existence on yourself you often shorten your existence but you increase your effect in the time you are here. The people that live this way are often remembered ages after their deaths, yet they do nothing more than what the normal man does. Strive to be the best in their own comfort level that they can be. There is no real difference between the Joe Keg that drinks beer all day long on his porch in hillbilly land in one hand, and mother Theresa on the other. They both did what they did because it is what brings them joy and what gives them fulfilling. Of course, that is assuming that what they did was to give them fulfilling and not run away from some other problem.

How people blind themselves is not by doing that which is not difficult, or that which is difficult, but by doing that which opposite to what they desire to do. If you desire to change the world, yet you don’t change the world, then your conscience reminds you of this by making you feel ill. To that, there are 2 major reactions, you either do something about it or you bury your conscience. As this realisation that you wish to do something to change the world often happens before you are able to do anything about it, you will only have one choice left, you have to bury it and let yourself believe that the world is such because you have no power to change it, and when you are young that may very well be true. As you grow older you don’t get any more power, but you realise that you already have so much power and you gain new ways to bring that power into manifestation, yet you never bring out that fear that the world is already complete, it is as it is without you having anything to do with it. Or that there is nothing you can do about it. You never question these and slowly your skill to see the truth begins to atrophy. You have to blind yourself to the truth of the consequences of your actions because if you didn’t then you would be in agony constantly as you would see the true fruits of your labour. This then, creates a conflict between what you see to be true and what you wish to be true, and this slowly begins to corrode away your ability to see things, and slowly your ability to feel is corroded, then your ability to talk, then your ability to even exists. Your very existence vanishes because you block what the reaction to your actions truly is.

When you hit someone you have to see that you hit someone to realise that you caused them pain, and then you have to accept that you caused the pain or block the realisation that you caused the pain. If you block the realisation that you caused the pain then you block the capability to feel pain, this is one of the easy ways out for people who have gone through hell. People who are abused physically often turn to be the abusers as they have to block it from themselves that they are doing the same thing, and it would be so painful to have to realise that who ever abused them was the same as they are, the abuser and the abused. And most will never come to terms with this. One of the other ways to block this is to stop the very knowledge of hitting someone from getting into your brain, this is far more potent and far more sinister than simply blocking the emotion. As this leaves everything else intact but completely separates your reality from other realities. When you block your ability to see you slowly begin to block your ability to feel as that is an integral part of being aware. Even if you can’t see the suffering you cause, you will have to block yourself from hearing the suffering you cause and so on. It will slowly begin to corrode away your very humanity, your very soul.

The reason it corrodes your soul is simply, you act in opposition to what you wish to be and this consumes your energy until very little remains. When you put the positive, the desire to do something, in together with the negative, the desire to stop yourself from doing something, you will get your hands on a situation where you use your energy to counter yourself, to counter your soul, and slowly your soul begins to learn that you do not wish for it to be with you, your soul meaning your higher own potential, the best expression of yourself you can be, your inner child in a way. This, is how most people blind themselves, they blind themselves from the very notion that some of their actions might cause harm. The people that do this are very often not deliberately harmful, they simply see it as the only way they can survive when they would have to come in contact with their own self. What they have grown to be. Then there is the other group mentioned earlier. The people that see what they do but blind their heart. They are the ones that are truly sad, they know what they are doing, and their heart screams day in and day out like a little child screams for its mother. And one day, the child will no longer scream and the heart will be dead. There is only so much time for the CPR before the heart is truly dead and the person a walking dead.

Not all people of course blind themselves, blind their eyes or their hearts, there are many other ways to cope with who you are, some are less damaging to the person, some are more. But still, this is one of the most common reason people blind themselves. They can’t face the true consequence of their actions. There are countless other reasons for being blind, as there are for blinding yourselves. Yet this is the one that is the easiest for me to shed some light on at the moment.

As you gain more and more balance with who you are you will begin to realise that all the blocks you have in you, if not created exclusively by you, can be removed by you. While there are blocks in you that are generated by things out side of yourself and the power to stop them while they were being placed would be far outside the realm of likely for you to be able to do at that point in time. All the same, you now have the power to remove those blocks. It, while not being impossible, is not very easy to remove by snapping your fingers, it is certainly worth a try. If that fails however, you must simply analyse what your problem is, decide what you wish to do to remove that problem, and act accordingly. The block in seeing is of your own creation in helping you cope with a problem that you see. That, however, is not the only thing that is blocking your seeing. One thing that is blocking it is quite simple. If it was completely open, without the ability to defend yourself, you would be so easy to manipulate and to completely take over that it had to block itself to protect you. If you had no ability to filter the signals coming into your consciousness you would very often be overtaken by those signals.

While we struggle with the dual task of trying to filter out what is true and what is not, and with the task of realising that our actions speak loads of our souls we often find it easier to just shrug and block it all. We need our attention on survival anyway. That is a part of the problem, we are so swamped in this illusion of having to struggle for survival in a very controlled and organized manner. While the true survival of our spirit, of our will, heart and soul is what should truly matter. If you truly desire to only have physical comforts and that is what you truly only desire, you shouldn’t be surprised if you develop very deep insight into how life works in your area, you are squarely in the middle of your comfort zone, you have what you desire and your life is good. Even if you don’t have it all you know what you desire to have and strive for that. And in that, you are worth praise. If however, you are working in the field that you are working in, only because you believe you can work nowhere else, and all that tries to prove contrary will be blocked out, you will slowly begin to block out your own divine self, your own divine spark. The blocks you have are not all of your own making, but a great deal of them are, sit down and talk with your blocks. Why is some place in your body painful, or why does your eyesight constantly keep getting worse and worse?

While a block is what creates the problems, remember that the block was designed to keep something out or something in. If you remove the block without understanding why you made it, you could simply create more problems for you or those around you. Understand the pain that the block is protecting you from, learn of the pain and why it is, learn to work in a way that avoids that pain if possible, and only then remove the block. Or you will simply harm yourself over and over again.

Though it also warrants to say that not all blocks are created by you, there are blocks in you that are created by others to stop you from seeing or doing something that they consider harmful. If a baby reaches for a knife, the mother of the child could slap the baby on the hand to stop that from happening, but that creates a block. It shapes the mind. So the block that stops you from eating toxic waste will probably keep you alive at some point, but if it is a block you control then it is there by your choice, if you don’t control the block then, and only then, does it become a problem. Blocks are a method of survival that is not bad in its own right, only when you are no longer aware of the block and no longer check it on a regular basis and evaluate if it is needed does it become a problem. The wall that you can break down is a wall now but something else tomorrow. A wall that you can’t break down will always be a wall.

So then, ask yourself this, ask your blocks this: "How do you reflect who I am and who do I wish to be. And how best can this reflect who I choose to be". Blind yourself if you so choose, break your heart if you so choose, but realise that it is by your choosing that it happens, and by your choosing that it is taken down again.

Chapter 6

Initiations, relativity and universal love

So realise then that healing is not one inch or even one atom better or nobler than killing is. If I were to devour your soul and end your existence, I would not be a single step higher than he who makes you ascend to godhood. But as most people do not desire to die and desire to advance then he who makes you a god would, in most cases, be better for you and thus be a nobler thing to do. But it is nothing noble on its own right as separate from the experiences that shape it. It becomes noble only through how others perceive it. I don’t know if the highest god, the creator, what ever you wish to call it that set this all in motion truly has a preference and truly wants all of us to be good, or wants to toy with us. I can honestly say that I do not know. Yet in all that I can say that how I perceive it, it wouldn’t make sense to give us only 2 options of which one leads to damnation. If we truly were made to the picture of god then would it truly be so hard to understand god. Being a creator would ultimately be very lonely while it would be very fulfilling. For if you only make servants then you will never have an equal. There is a lot worse than being all alone in the night, it is being all alone in the crowd, when you have everyone to worship you but nothing that is equal. But perhaps I am wrong in all, perhaps there truly is a god somewhere beyond all this illusion and magic, but if there is, I have yet to come across it. I only know how this illusion that I am in now works, how the laws of magic as I see them can be used to create your reality and become a healer. If you so choose.

Now then, it is important to know if you wish to be a healer for the sake of being holy, because society labels healers and doctors as holy, after all, most spiritual teachers also heal in some form. So do you wish to truly be a healer or do you wish to understand how it all works or do you wish to be something else and being a healer is a way to that. The purer your motives are the better you will be able to heal. If the motive behind your work is to gain power, then the energy work you do will change from being truly curative, to being accumulative. In that it accumulates power in your hands in any way it can. This is both the seed of evil and seed of creation. Contrary to what most would say, evil did not plant a seed in a human. Nor does it need to, because the very act of a human mind being shattered creates the seed. The human mind is the most potent form of creation that you can have, yet it only knows vaguely what the other parts want. If one part of you wants to do a healing at this moment, but the overall urge is to gain power then 99 parts of you will seek to gain power during the healing while 1 will seek to heal. So the seed of evil is not a seed of evil in its own. It is the fragmentation of our minds which makes it very difficult for us to control our own creation, and through that, we are easily manipulated and our work twisted.

So hate not the seed of evil in you, realise only that it is a part of yourself that has been formed by what you believe, in this life and others. A part of it has been programmed by entities seeking to exploit you, even though that programming is very potent it is still only programming, you control the hardware. Just as easily as your twisted parts can get you to do what they desire, you can get them to do what you desire, the less of yourself your consciousness encompasses, the more twisting the darkness will become. When you are constantly angry without knowing it, the anger will slowly being to poison you and reach to your mind, but before it does that it will go into every crevice and every hole in your psyche. Even in all this your psyche, while being shattered like a sheet of glass can form a new, whole psyche. Your consciousness, your working mind, is no less broken than your subconscious. This fragmented soul is also one of the only ways we can experience this reality, if you had a single mind, with a single desire then you would experience a small part of reality. So don’t rush to meld your mind into one unless you truly wish to.

So once you have truly gone through all the different centres of your body, the different fragments of your soul and asked all of them "why do I wish to be a healer" you can begin your journey. Anything less and you will not be a healer. You will only be part healer. If you seek to make money and then heal, you will never heal, you will give the patient just enough so they can survive and come back to you. If you seek power it is the same, if you seek fame it is the same. You don’t have to devote your life to healing, in fact, you have to only devote a second of your time to healing if you truly devote it to healing. But when healing, healing always comes first. Do it fully, or don’t do it at all, anything less will dilute and ultimately make worthless the whole effort. It is better to devote 1 second of your entire life to truly heal, or to be truly something, than to devote your entire life being half assedly something.

To learn healing, there is very little specifically that can be done, very few exercises. There are of course initiations and meditations and doing this and doing that. These however are nothing more than eye candy in most cases. They only open what you already have inside you, you are already the most potent creation machine in existence, why would you need a key that only some guru can give to a lock that you are. Studying under a guru or a teacher can help you and is very advisable in many cases. In many cases, they don’t actually give you anything, they only show you the energy they can produce and teach your field to mimic that. That in itself has many problems which are obvious if one thinks about it for a moment. For them, the energy they teach you to use is their own answer, the energy they have come upon in their own searches. Yet their answer is not the same as your answer so for many the path begins with a teacher, they teach you what they do and give you tools to shape what they gave you into something of your preference. And that is as far as a teacher in the conventional sense should go.

But there are exercises that are helpful, most of the exercises that teachers give are in fact helpful towards reaching some goal. The goal of course varies from teacher to teacher. But most meditations and most initiations do serve some purpose and do in fact give you greater access to your own strength. There are of course some initiations which begin to channel your energy towards the master and feed them. There are initiations which block away most of your power that could be dangerous to some entity in this illusion. Some tap into powers that are so alien to our consciousness that it is impossible to comprehend what they do. Only one in the end that you can trust in being your teacher is yourself. Others are only a channel for that teaching. That never means that you must not listen to a teacher or have a teacher or respect your teachers, quite the opposite. It means that you are studying under this teacher because you value them and respect them and consider them worthy to teach and to mould you. But to get to that point they have to fit into what you desire. Many take this to mean that there is no need to respect your teachers, and nothing if more harming than not respect he who is in a position to influence you. If anything, it means that you must have more respect and love your teachers more than anyone else because YOU have chosen them to be your teacher and you have put them in that position to influence you. And if you don’t respect or love them, then why did you put them in that position?

Everyone can initiate another person into their line of thinking. A Christian priest can initiate you to be a Christian but only a Christian of the same alignment as she is. An orthodox can’t initiate you into Catholicism unless he gets permission for this from a catholic and through that permission, in a way, becomes catholic. I can give you exercises and I can give you initiations, but only the line of thinking I am in. While most of these exercises, I believe, are helpful if one desires to become a healer, and only harmful if you desire to be of the opposite alignment, in other words, if you desire to be harmful, and only harmful in that they drag you from being harmful to being healing. As that is opposite to what you would desire to be it would be harmful to your desire. So harmful and helpful depend on view as should be obvious by now. So if I give you an exercise and you do it, I would assume that my thoughts appealed to you and you thought it worth a shot to try. If that is the case then feel free to go ahead and try, but I would advice that you don’t teach others to do these exercises unless they read this book. Or at the least, that you should adjust your teachings according to what the student desires at that moment.

For one, I recommend you sit in a normal meditation position. Preferably clean the room first and purify it or ask for it to be purified. One way to do this is to scoop up all the energy in the room and ask it to be filled with pure good energy aligned with who/what you desire to be. Another more simple way is to clean it physically. Take out the garbage, air the room and dust the walls, shelves and such. Just do a through cleaning and it should be fine either way. This helps to knock the energy into motion and make meditations easier. Now, once you've done cleaning and you are sitting in a normal meditation position. Close your eyes and image that you are sitting on a grassy knoll with your back against a tree of your choice, with the sun/moon shining bright, I recommend the sun but it is optional. If there are clouds then make the wind blow and disperse these clouds. This world, while being an illusion is separate from you so you don’t have to make the wind blow by forcing it as you would with an illusion or a painting. Simply realise that this world is a separate illusionary world that is controlled by your mind and making the wind blow is as easy as thinking about it would be. This world is a purely blank illusion and you can create anything in it. This world can be the size of a head of a pin or the size of an atom floating in front of your face while you meditate. In this world you are the complete unquestioned master. Only thing that can impede it is your own shattered mind as each part of that mind has equal power. Nothing outside of this can harm you while inside of it if you do not let it as this is a completely illusionary world.

Now, feel the grass under your feet and the tree behind your back or conversely, the grass behind your back and the tree under your feet. You don’t have to sit one way or another, it makes no difference here. Look around you. There should be a landscape of your choosing or fog wall outside of this grassy knoll. I recommend that you encircle this valley with mountains and possibly a beach on one side. Helps you keep this world more manageable as you don’t have to imagine it being a part of anything. Or just being an island in the middle of some ocean. Now, as you walk around this world slowly start to build some things with your mind, try to make a chair, make it as complex or as simple as you desire. Slowly begin to move more complex items like a house or a car. Feel the engine of the car working, feel the house being built. Feel the textures, the walls, the grass, air, breeze, water. Feel everything. You are not in a world that is real, this is completely illusionary. Keep that in mind while you create, it is all real, yet it is all an illusion. This is a private illusion, unlike this world which is a public illusion. First learn to make your own private worlds.

Then after many exercises of doing this you should slowly begin to ask different people to appear. Start with friends that you know and talk with them as you know them better than you know Jesus, for example. If conversely, you consider Jesus your friend and want to call him up on the first try you can do that as well quite easily, though I would recommend you save that up for later as you should first experiment with people you know. There are 2 sides to every person, the person that is out there, and the memory of fragment of that person that you have within. If you think of your friend you don’t invoke your friend, you invoke that particle inside you that is left by that friend. Same applies here, and that is why it is easier to call friends first. Start talking with them, if they seem startled, explain to them where they are. Keep in mind that while this is a fragment of the person that you know, there are millions of fragments to every person and you should not be alarmed if the fragment you call happens to be the one part your friend is aware of that moment. So while doing this, we are not aiming to actually call the friend into your illusionary world. But it can happen if both desire it strongly enough. It has happened to me in the past without trying in a similar meditation. I saw a person I knew fairly well in a meditation and they later told me they saw me in a dream of the exact same style. And as time is non-linear, the part you call now can come from the future or the past or from beyond time. So what you do now might have happened when they were a child or 10 years from now. Time as such has no meaning, but while in this grand illusion we all share, it tends to be more likely that it is from or very close to the present time.

So, you can ask your best friend to appear in your meditation and talk with them. You can ask different parts of yourself to appear, past self’s and future self’s, your own divine self. If you don’t truly desire for one of these to appear they won’t appear as your future self knows you at least as well as you do and if it doesn’t appear it has darn good reason to not appear, though it is very likely that it will in some form or another make its appearance known. Do this for many times before you start to do any other meditations where you try to visualise yourself into an already existing world. As your strongest instinct is your survival instinct. The moment you begin to receive information that your body is not used to receiving your survival instinct will kick in and begin to cut energy flow to areas it doesn’t count as useful to its survival. That of course means any area that you haven’t used and through that, it cuts your psychic ability. As you keep doing this, if you don’t get interrupted and don’t stop doing it. You will slowly calm your body down as you can still do it and you are still alive. And your survival instinct doesn’t need to kick in anymore and you will begin to see things more and more clearly. As the border between the illusions you created and this joint illusion begins to break down.

Up until this point we have been operating on a world of your own creation exclusively, where you were the big boss and everything in it came from in you. As you begin to bring it to this world, if you ever desire to bring it into this world. You can also start creating a new world in this illusion that is a shared world, or connect them in a way of your choosing, for example, creating a door in your illusionary world that leads to another illusionary world. Either way, you should keep these worlds separate, one as your private sanctuary which no other creature can enter, and one as your public meeting place. Both can look exactly alike or be very different but their purpose is different. Once you start to bring the illusion you created to this joint illusion, you can begin to call the real persons into your illusion with intent. The person doesn’t have to be a physical person to be a real person. If you bring in a character from a cartoon, that character exists just as real as does Jesus. They can lack the depth but they are certainly real. If you wish you can bring in pokemons or teletubbies or any creature of your choice you can. In some cases the cartoon depiction of the creature is what creates the creature which then as a timeless has existed before the cartoon that depicted it. But in other cases the cartoon is separate from the actual entity that it is depicting.

So you can summon a cartoon dragon, but if you are not careful in what you summon you can end up summoning the less funny legendary black dragons, which because they exist in literature exists in some illusion. And as we are also living in an illusion and the world you create is an illusion. You can probably see the danger in doing that. If you wish to keep that illusionary world going, having a black dragon scorch it might not be a good idea. But on another end of the scale, if you are an artist and you do this world you can create this world and ask the character you are portraying to appear and converse with them about certain plot or character developments and so forth. Remember in the end that there are a trillion illusions in every atom. So even if you do summon an external real version of the entity, real in that it does not come from within you. That entity does not necessarily have to be the entity that someone else summons. So if you summon the writer from a popular TV show and he tells you the storyline as it will be from now, that is reality only in where you summoned him from. Not necessarily in this reality. As there are an infinite amount of realities you can summon one from this reality but the chances of doing so are impossible to calculate. Even with a small effort you can summon something from very near to this reality/illusion.

So summon an archangel if you desire, but realise that if you go summoning the wrong creatures, like black dragons or arch demons, you can and will most likely end with severe mental problems. So be careful. If you summon it from within you in your own personal illusion it is far easier to control as it is a part of yourself, but it can still easily overwhelm the part which you consider you and you will be destroyed. But if you summon it from somewhere that is external to you then it will be far, far harder to control.

So as a last comment, I would advice caution in summoning anything outside of your private playground illusion.

There is so much to experience and experiment with in your own private illusion that it should take you months and months of daily meditations to get anywhere near to take it into a public illusion. Of course neither of these is mutually exclusive. You can easily study your private world while studying the shared illusion world, but the shared illusion, unless you have enough power and experience will very, very quickly become a private illusion, only when you know the difference will you be able to safely join the public illusions. It takes a child 3-21 years before they can participate in the shared illusion. What makes one think that it should be any different in the mind. All that said it is faster if you desire for it to be, but why rush if you miss the view. The world will be here when you’re done with your private world. And if it isn’t, you can create it.

As your blocks begin to be under your control, instead of you under their control, you can start to adjust what you perceive in different times, everyone has that ability even now. You can focus on what you see, what you hear, what you taste, and so on. But as you dissolve your blocks and work to enhance your senses, you will begin to be able to twist this scale farther and farther as you desire. These exercises in this book and these books as a whole are designed to tear down that which controls you that you have no control over and give the control to you and make you aware of that control, so that you can give it back to those that control you if you so desire, but to give you the choice. For most people, that which controls you is your fears, blocks, inhibitions and so forth. When you fear something you cant think straight and that fear can always force you to go somewhere even if you don’t want to, this fear when it becomes a phobia will rule your life. When these blocks are taken down one by one and you are told why the block was there, what made it, why it was made, you can then rebuild a door that you have a key to where that block used to be. Then you can control with your conscious mind what was only moment ago controlled by your body. You can never control everything in your body, so it is imperative that you realise that you must give control of some functions to the body, you could control it with your consciousness but then it would be all you can focus on.

Slowly as you work yourself from the internal illusion to the external illusion you will gain more and more power to shape that illusion. First step, the internal illusion disconnected from the shared illusion is what makes you aware of your soul and your astral self. The second step, joining the external and internal makes you able to move and influence something with your astral body for real, instead of simply imagining that you influence. The third and last step is brining that knowledge and ability to this reality, making you able to shape this illusion, only thing that stands between that illusion shaping ability and this illusion shaping ability is your awareness. Your anchoring into this reality that is still only an illusion, that anchoring itself is not to blame as that anchoring makes life possible, if you have no anchor, no connection, you will simply flip-flop between realities at whim without making much connection to anything. You must find a reason to live in this illusion and anchor yourself to the knowledge that this illusion is where I am because I choose to be here, this illusion is my illusion, my reality. Perhaps there is a reality somewhere that is not dependant on the observer and is not in the end an illusion but this world certainly is dependant and is an illusion. So, realise that we are all here and all things are real while nothing is real and completely within your power. If you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains, faith in anything, your ability, the ability of god, the power of mustard. This matter is the easiest and the hardest to shape.

You could end or cure everything at a whim. Once you really realise that, existence in many levels loses meaning because suffering, pain, love, all are of no value because you could create everything, only through ignorance can you exists in this world because once you realise your own divinity you immediately lose touch with this world. You have to then make yourself forget it, decide to live here even through all of this is meaningless or move somewhere else or the last option, decide for yourself. There is always an extra option. Do as you please.

If you do decide to remain here, for one reason or another, take a good sturdy table and hit your feet on it as hard as possible to make sure you realise that you are also illusionary. The pain is illusionary and the table is illusionary, but so are you, that makes the whole thing real for you. A computer game character that dies in an illusion dies for real from its own perspective as that is where it is. You can learn to control that illusion but while you remain in it you are a part of it. You can learn to control the pain so it doesn’t show but the pain is still there even if you don’t feel it or show it. If you choose to leave this realm you will undoubtedly face questions and situations I have no answers or even questions for and I have very little I can do to help you in that beyond what I have already said. If you however do remain in this illusion for the time being and still desire to be a healer then there is plenty I can still do to help you.

Chapter 7

React, create, and reflect the God self.

While it is true that on a higher level this is all an illusion. In that it is designed for the sole purpose of making us forget our divinity and powers of creation so we can enjoy existence. Being a god gets really boring really quickly. Once you reach the highest understanding of that illusion you can redefine yourself as you see fit. Once you reach the highest enlightenment you can go beyond the rules as you made them all simply to bind yourself. If however you do not reach that level then you must learn the rules of this particular puzzle in order to gain power. In this society you must work to gain money and use that money to buy things you need for survival. Money is one aspect of power, in that you apply yourself to a task and gain a certain amount of something that has no value on its own but entities on different tasks all guarantee that this item that has little use for them on its own can be traded for a specific amount of something they have in extra. So money on its own is irrelevant, none of us can eat any of the things money will be made off. So money on its own has no inherent value. We all together place some value on it and agree that this piece of rock will be worth three sticks of bamboo while that piece of rock will be worth two coconuts. To understand why it works the way it works is to gain power inside the system. So, if you have connections to people and to places and to things that you do not wish to risk giving up and trying to ascend. Then the high philosophical ponderings have no meaning for you as you will not be able to put them to use either way and gain power you can use. Always remember that power is not to be gained over others, it is to be gained within. That is the only real qualification. If people around you are rats and you dominate them with greater power then you are nothing more than a king of rats. The true challenge is within. If you focus on a small corner of existence and have the most power then you are defining yourself very narrowly. But if you focus on the power within, the whole of creation within, you will finally have a neutral comparison.

The most important aspect of existence in this level is accuracy. All your senses are continuously trying to be as accurate as possible about the information they feed to you. There is a large difference in berries that are raw and berries that are ripe, but only if you have a good sight or a good sense of smell. Without those you wouldn’t be able to distinguish between raw and ripe berries. If you do not have an accurate senses you will be easy to con and all other attributes you have will be useless if you are mislead by your poor senses into doing something that is counter to what you wish to stand for. So accuracy, both internal and external is important. Accuracy in doing your tasks and in observing what goes around you and within you. While I constantly stress the importance of the fact that this is all an illusion, it is perhaps also the least important bit of information I have shared. True this is an illusion in the grand scale but if one is here and desires to be here on some level then information of the nature of the grand-scale universe, while being nice to know, is also next to useless. What is more important is being able to distinguish between the grandest scale illusion and the one we are in. There is a huge difference between the highest illusion and the one we inhabit. Is this world an illusion that is wrapped around our minds to keep us docile and controllable? I do not know, yet there is a lot of evidence out there that all is not well in wonderland. If what is controlling this illusion interests you then go and look for the controllers, the men behind the curtains, the points where all the power flows, where all the hidden choices are made and most importantly, always look where no one else is looking. I will discuss some of these things with more detail in my next book but they are not topics that I deal with in this.

The perception you have of others and what others have of you is always in a flux. There are, in essence two you's in this situation. The one that sits within and creates what it does and the one that sits outside and reacts to outside influences, the reactionary self and the creative self. No being can ever exist without a soul as soul is an expression of energy that desires for something to happen. So my soul is the expression of the universes energy that desires for something to happen. What happens then after death? What do you want to happen, we are creators and the created, the image in the mirror and the one who stands before the mirror. So there are two you's, the one that creates and the one that reacts. When you view the world as a hostile place that is out there for you to block and to survive in until you die, you shut out the creator within as you only begin to reflect the world and no longer create the world. Conversely, when you only create and never react or accept in any information from the world then you will be completely blind and will never know what hells you create by accident. If you block out the internal and only act through the world, when you believe that you have no value and only the world has value you will equally block out your creative self and only works as a creationless drone. Your mind, your soul, all aspects of your personality will be there as if you were creating, you have just closed off all aspects of your creative power and slowly become a prisoner of your own tomb. The balance between the creative self and the reactionary self is also important for if we all create and no one react then there will be no creation. You can paint a masterpiece but if there is no one to see it then there is only a very lonely masterpiece. So the aspect that creates is no less valuable than the aspect that the creator reflects itself from. Ultimately you are both, the one that creates and the one that reflects, a god among gods. But many people have a problem in this, in the sense that they are one or another and usually view themselves as being higher than the rest. Artists view common folk as ignorant slobs and common folk view artists as annoying know-it-all's. So this is one more area where integration is very important, in understanding and taking control of both parts equally and moving yourself from one extreme to the middle.

(Picture of a yellow orb with a black dot in center and the text "who you are" and a green orb next to it with a black dot in the center and a text "who you think you are" And a small area of the 2 orbs that overlaps and the text "Usable energy")

I try to make due with the smallest amount of pictures possible but sometimes they must be used to carry a point across.

The external self is usually very, very easy to manipulate as well as it is nothing more than a reactionary machine. And any machine that reacts in a certain way to a certain stimulus can be programmed through various stimuli to act in a very aggressive way. An animal when poked with a sharp stick will get angry. So if you see an animal and its tender in a zoo and you hate the tender all you have to do is throw a sharp stick at the animal and watch it devour its caretaker. So the external self is also the weakest link of most humans as this world is such that your external self, unless it receives guidance from the internal self will very quickly turn aggressive and hostile. Being punched in the face by a random stranger on the streets is usually enough to give most people a grudge that will last for a lifetime, even if they don’t know it. So once your external self gets harmed and doesn’t receive guidance from the internal self that has been blocked off by the continuous repeation of the mantra of "Gods are out there and we are not gods" the external self slowly takes over completely as the internal self cant act due to being told constantly that it shouldn’t act. The external self is also peculiar in one aspect, in that it can’t distinguish between 2 different people. If some stranger hits you at random and you go home and sulk at your mate or significant other, it is very often because your external self can’t distinguish between the wife that has nothing to do with you being harmed and the stranger that punched you in the face. The external self knows only that something outside of itself did harm to it and now it must defend itself. The external self is one of the key aspects of creation but it is also one of the most dangerous in this level as it is so notoriously easy to program and to carry on that programming that even the slightest of influence outside of the system that is malevolent can cause a very, very large damage. A boss at work who has a very bad day can piss off an employee who then goes home and emotionally or physically abuses his family who then goes to school and their places of work and keep up the same cycle until it reaches the lowest branch, someone who can not or chooses not to carry the same burden on and instead doesn’t receive the energy that was taken from him that all those above him took from those below him. As a result the lowest branch is always slowly killing themselves. This is very obvious in animal world where the leader of the pack lives longer than the subordinates even if all are given enough food to eat. So it only takes one determined entity that is outside of the system to knock it off balance. Imagine what one person who could time travel could do if they went back in time to a near paradise with the knowledge they have today and a knowledge of the group loyalties of a certain group of humans. It would take very little to play those groups on each other and to create wars that would last to this day.

So while the external self is useful in creation, it must be remembered that the external self is only useful on a playing field and if you don’t program it through hard work then someone else will. If you don’t determine how your external self reacts to stimulus, if you don’t determine if being punched in the face releases endorphin’s or adrenaline then something else will. The divided reactionary-creationary self’s is only useful on a level playing field. If there is something outside of this playing field that is seeking to benefit from us then the only option you have if you do not wish to be controlled is to take control of the keys that can be used to control you. And understand above all else that the way you believe you act with others might not be even close to how you really act with others.

Chapter 8

Seeing, aural and otherwise.

Many of the things I have said, I have no idea if they are true or not. I have recently experimented with my 3rd eye in an attempt to better develop my aura sight and intuition, and I seem to be making progress in that area. There are obviously at least 2 ways any specific ability can work. It can take in or it can give out. So you can take in with your eyes, see and observe, or you can project through your eyes to see the world. If you gain your eyesight for the first time you will have little idea of what different things are, no concept of shadows or shapes, only different colours. It is the same with brain damages so it is obvious that for you to be able to see or to understand in any meaningful way you have to be able to project past realisations into a new situation and adjust your past to compensate for what you perceive. If you have no knowledge of what is a fork and you see it you will not understand what it is. If you have no knowledge of what depth perception is you will be unable to comprehend what you see. If you then forget what depth perception is you will have to relearn it constantly and if you forget it constantly you will never understand it.

So both aspects of vision seem to be important, having the ability to project what you see onto the world. Or in better terms perhaps, being able to project what your senses are telling you into your internal world which is not actually the world you perceive, but what your external self perceives and your internal self asks for. So there is the world out there all around you, then there is your external self which perceives the world and your internal self which receives what the external self has chewed through. In the ideal situation both the external and the internal work together flawlessly and the external, the programmed self, is programmed by your actions to correspond to what you desire for it to do. In a less than ideal world the external self is programmed through the actions and beliefs of others to correspond to what they want from you. One obvious example of this is the indoctrination that parents give their children. They have to program the external self so it can survive the period of time and become a proper vessel for the soul that is coming into it. The process of very early childhood is a period when the parents of any child have to program that child to be usable by the soul coming into it. This can sound harsh but it can also be explained more fluffily.

If a child is taken away from his parents during her formative years and placed in an environment which completely lacks outside attention short of an automated system that cleans the child and feeds the child. The child will, almost certainly, be stuck at a level and no longer be programmable. Like a wolf child the child can no longer realise his higher functions or integrate into the general human race. So regardless of what the parents do in raising their child baring the most outrageous acts of brutality or negligence. The child will learn the basic skills required to communicate and to survive in the environment that the child is placed in. After the early formative years are done the child then begins to program herself based on the foundation given to her in her formative years. In most this can lead to traumas in adult life as the original faulty programming is not questioned.

The ideal situation would be such that the child slowly begins to gain control over her own programming and then can program her body and mind and soul to correspond with what she at the moment desires to be. So the most important aspect of this creation is to receive control over your own coding. Because your external self is what is most easily programmable. If you are programmed in early childhood to act in a way which is self destructive or causes a problem with your mind and you are unable to break into your own coding to change that then all the things that have been programmed into you are working against you as you can no longer have the backdoor access to your own mind. The system that was designed for your security was compromised and turned to harm you.

The central aspect that is causing this inability to break out of the coding is fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of being a good boy or fear of being controlled or fear of something. It is not a fear in the sense that it makes you stomach turn or your mind churn. It is the slow paralysing fear of breaking out of your system that is completely controllive and completely possessive. The hardest of things to do and at the same time one of the smallest yet most important is also the simplest. You have to simply not be afraid of change, if you live in a situation you need not be afraid of living in a different situation. Yet most replace fear of living in a different situation with fear of living in the same situation. So we run around out of fear, fear of running out of this or running out of that. This fear is the key aspect of all societies as it has been programmed into the human mind from the days of long gone. Even when we had to hunt for food and for survival it is questionable if the programming was the same. As the human mind is programmed in a way that doesn’t promote survival as the tools needed to survive are not in the hands of the person itself most of the time. They are often in the hands of those who seek to control the person in question.

So that leads me to wonder if the keys to the external self, and through that, the control of what we can or can not perceive is in the hands of entities and groups which seek to control us for their benefits. Groups such as parents, society, religions, hostile entities. So imagine then if you come across a civilisation with maybe 50 million people spread out over the planet. You have very advanced knowledge of psychology and how to program a mind. You then look for a promising child or parents and then first induce some genetic manipulations to give the child some advanced cognitive or spiritual powers. You then proceed to program that child in a way that promotes the creation of a religion or a nation correcting any sidetracking ideas or thoughts that appear due to minute flaws in the original programming. You perhaps aid those who promote ideas that are good for your survival regardless of how it might affect them. And before long, with very small effort you have a whole planet in a condition of your choosing ready to do anything you desire for them to do. How many people right now thousands of years after the birth of their chosen hero or saint would be willing to do anything if sufficiently convinced that it was in their saint’s best interest. Perhaps you could then appear to your chosen civilisation from time to time and provoke wars and carnage or peace and utopia and create a civilisation you find fanciful and no one would ever be able to rebel even if they thought they were rebelling as you had complete control over them from how their whole external self is programmed.

So while this is pure speculation the thought itself is disheartening. It goes to prove that if you don’t have control over your own perceptions and get to decide what you perceive and what you don’t perceive at any given time then you in reality are completely enslaved. It does not necessarily mean that you are truly a slave to some entities or cultures or religions. Only that if you don’t try to get the control of your own choices in your own hands then you have no hope of being in command of your life and you can be used as others see fit.

So while one aspect of vision is to be able to imprint images from your own programming onto a situation that is happening outside. If you never truly challenge that image and all those concepts that have been programmed into you then you will project a reality that is not true and your actions will then reflect a skewed reality and as a result your actions will be entirely different as to what they should be.

So accepting is in an integral part of vision as your eyes have to see for you to see. And projecting is equally as important as your brain has to project images it knows of into the information that is sent into it and match patterns and thus realise what is happening in the present situation. But getting rid of the programming thrust upon you can be time taking and very, very exciting and energy consuming. It is perhaps the most important step you have to make. Don’t remove all programming you have as they are an integral part of your humanity. Simply study your programming. Let go of your fear for a while and honestly study the situation. Do your best effort to break out from all your own protective layers and simply study what is going on for a while and then scurry back into the comfort zone and see if what you actually saw matches with what you thought you would see. And you might perhaps realise that really the way you think you perceive things is completely different than what you really perceive. If as a child you are slapped in the hand when you reach for something that you are not supposed to have. The quick assumption can make the child think that the thing they are not supposed to have is harmful on its own instead of the inability of the child to use it. Thus you can be afraid of something as simple as a power outlet or a pair of scissors and you can start sweating without knowing why when you cut a piece of ribbon 50 years later when the programming starts to go awry. Phobias are one of the best examples of programming that is either genetic or implanted when you are growing up. Other such programmings which are far harder to notice are ideas that no one questions.

One such idea that no one questions can be as strange as support for democracy but not support for an kingdom that is supported by the people. By the very act democracy is the ever-present system of government. All acts that happen the citizens that are alive support them because a harsh enough government will generate an opposition movement that can not be counted as being a member of the government if a true opposition and harsher oppositions will be killed or deported and thus no longer counted as members of the government. Then all the citizens that live in a country that is oppressive can be considered a democracy as they have silently voted to support the government and by extension the government is then a democracy even if a dictatorship. They may disagree with the government yet they vote by not acting that they still support the actions of the government. This in the end is also a form of democracy. Perhaps it would be better to call the governments in this example democracy but to call them "free-will-cracy", in that they say they support free will, while in reality there is little difference between democracies and despotisms if the same programming is in people, that prohibits the realisation of the programming, and thus can be lead into the believe that any government that rules them would always do what’s best for them. The government can kill all the citizens they rule over but it will always be with the consent of the citizens that are left alive and thus are counted as citizens for the dead are not eligible to vote.

So programming is in the end, a system that you create to interact with others and to shield your mind from all the information it doesn’t need to process. But the information it doesn’t need to and the information it does need to are not separated by the mind itself and therein lies the problem. If you don’t get to decide what is need to know for your survival then you will be walking in darkness with nothing to guide you.

Your external self is a very important part of yourself and if you ever manage to truly remove it without incredibly enhancing your ability to interact with the world your mind will most likely explode in a nanosecond by the amount of information coming into it. And conversely, the internal self is also a very important part of yourself. If you only act from the reactionary self, the external self you will lose the spark of creation and become an equally as easily controllable machine which while being a good thing for some as being a machine is an integral part for what others what to create it might not be what you wish to do if you have full knowledge of what you can do. Of course you already desire for it to happen as one always wished for everything to happen that is happening. It does not mean that you can’t change what has happened and is happening and will happen. I cannot force information or opinions on you. You can pick up this book and choose to read it. Perhaps under pressure or on your own, but still only you can read it and by that you have perhaps desired for some information and the choice is in the end, always yours.

So don’t shrink your external self, don’t crush it, lock it in a box or throw it in the sea. Simply take control of it and let it work for you. And conversely, if you are more of an external self with little internal core at the moment and feel mostly lost or soulless in the moments you spend in pondering then the same should work for you in reverse. See what steps it takes for one who only creates and projects and never accepts to come to a balance and do the same in reverse. If it takes for one who is in the center to reach balance to reach out and view the external world without the filter. Then one who is in the external should look at the internal. Focus inwards and find your own spark and use the external as a signifier of the internal. See what you feel like inside and slowly begin to bring that to the surface and with time and determination you will get to more and more balance. The first steps in coming to a balance is often realising the imbalance. So do not quite simply because it seems the situation can be worsening. It can be your realisation that the situation was terrible to begin with. And when you gain the emotional core to realise the situation you feel more and become more open and thus you feel more pain and it can seem the situation is worsening while it is only getting better. Conversely, always trust in your own abilities, your own ability to find the truth and if you, after time, become convinced that what you are doing is not bringing you to balance then change what you are doing. But if you change direction too quickly you can risk missing the place you were looking for that is just behind the corner.

So, if you, like me, find a new layer in your programming you'll just have to adjust yourself and gain new abilities and new balances.

Chapter 9

To memories.

So now the time to close this book has arrived. The last chapter is here, I still had so much I wanted to say. But that will have to be for another book and another time. I still have some things I will say, some pointers to give on what to look for and what to look out for. But before I do that I’ll tell you a little story.

Back when I was young, one of my friends recommended a certain game to me. The game told a story of a Valkyrie, the story and how it and many other things have came to my life and have began to build a network, or a legend around me. It is as if I am sitting in the middle of a sphere and these events happen all around me and are unwinding in their different ways to tell a beautiful story to me. One day, I might be sitting somewhere and wish to see proof of the existence of some higher beings that watch over me. And then, I would see a bright white feather floating in the room and as I jumped up to look at where it landed there was nothing there. These events slowly start to tell a story. One interesting chapter in this story is about how I met a lovely lady by a lake. The lake was not real as it was in my meditation and in her dream. I was meditating and she was sleeping in her home some thousands of miles from me. Long before I began to meditate I played the game my friend gave me. When I found it to my liking I posted on the webpage for that game and suddenly this lady contacted me. She was 3 years younger than me and we just started chatting and a year or so after I first met her, I was meditating. And I saw here sitting on a rock by a lake, I swam closer and sat next to her and talked with her in person for the first time in my life. I was of course surprised to see her as she has always kept some distance to my spiritual pursuits and never taken an interest in such things. I then took it as a symbolism or such from my guides. I saw her next 4 weeks later online and I asked her about her day and we chatted casually. At some point I mentioned that I saw her in a meditation and talked with her. She was freaked out and after some time she admitted that she saw me in a dream 4 weeks ago and told me what we had talked about and it matched precisely. We later lost contact with each other only talking now and then online. Yet I still remember with fondness the time we spent talking with each other. I learned a lot in that short time and she reminded me greatly of the character in that game. My interaction with her was one of the things that pushed me to study spiritual things for real. The game I played, I only finished it today. It took me many years to finish it. So now I feel one path has ended and another has begun. I began one path when I began one story that unfolded in front of me and around me. The story unfolded in the game while it unfolded in my life and as I finished the game one side of my life is complete. So here’s to you friend! You were a real queen of nifelheim a lot of the time but here’s to warm memories.

There are many people I would like to thank and many whom I would like to forget. But that will have to wait for the epilogue. There are still some important things to say before that. It is not over until the fat lady sings. Believe in yourself, believe in your abilities, and never underestimate yourself or your opposition. That which seeks to counter you is as powerful as you are, after all, you both created each other. Be a note until you become the symphony. Like a song, we begin in silence and can go on for eternity and end in silence. Like a forest that comes alive after a rain we suddenly become alive and play the tune of creation and once twilight becomes we hand the stage to the next tune. The human saga, the human legend, the opera of emotions will never end once even one of us truly realises how time works. For time is not linear nor is it cyclical, time is now. We have always been here and we will always be here. The song will never vanish. We can all die and we humans as a race can become extinct but there will always be this moment in time where we played our tune in the symphony of life. I like all other humans will one day die. But if you listen closely you can still hear our songs and stories in the air. If you listen you can hear the trees whisper of times that were.

A thousand of the smallest voices in existence will be the loudest voice when they speak in unison.

The most powerful magic, the most powerful spell you can ever do is also the simplest. If you simply sit and focus on an idea that idea will manifest itself. The effect of what ever you do is always dependant on 2 things. The amount of energy used and the amount of time used. If you can only use 5 units of energy per second then no matter how good your idea if you don’t carry it out over a long period of time it will always be simply that 5 units of energy. If you can only use 1 unit of energy per second but you apply yourself for months and for years to a goal you will always be larger in what you do than he who has no patience. If you lift one 100 kilo weight a day you will gain hardly any muscle mass, but if you lift smaller weights for longer times you will see the effect. So if you simply give one sudden burst of effort into something but don’t carry it over a long period then the effect will also be smaller. Try to simply sit and focus on the idea that you want to bring to reality. Observe that idea and that world from every perspective and focus on the idea itself. As you progress the time required usually shortens as your output per second increases so the time required is shorter.

There are many layers of real dangers and of realm harms. If you are in an illusion and you allow that illusion to become reality by your own choice then that illusion is real even if it is an illusion. So while we are in this world then there are dangers, entities, physical and spiritual that would love to harm you. Simply saying that this is an illusion and they are illusions does nothing to protect you. You have given them the power to harm you when you become a part of this illusion and if you can’t break out then the knowledge that this is an illusion will not serve you all that much as you are still in the illusion with no way out and thus you now need ways to protect yourself.

There is the core that is your soul, then there is the bubble outside of your soul that is generated out of fear that something will harm you, it is an illusionary bubble even in this illusionary world to keep the two separate from each other and more controllable. Then there is a level that is reality and then there is an illusion outside of that and another reality and another illusion and so on. Some of these are easy to figure out but the general pattern seems to be the same. The first layer is real, the soul, the 2nd level is unreal, the reflective self that only reflects what others soul do to it, then there is the world level that is real, I have yet to be able to express this level other than to know it is real. After this is the illusion around this world layer that we are on the top of the food chain and humans are in control of everything. Then there is the reality that we are the masters of our own destiny but not in the illusion. Then there is again some layer of illusion and so forth. You must figure out which layer you are on and how that effects what you should do. If a person who is in the first layer of illusion I wrote about here, the layer of the reflective self and another person is on the 2nd layer of reality where he realised that it is an illusion the one in reality can usually comprehend the one in an illusion but not the other way around as the one who is in illusion is blinded by his own illusion.

We have to forget what we know to be able to experience this existence and this life and each layer we unfold gives us more vision to the core of life but at the same time takes more of the possibility to experience out of the equation as experience is only possible when one is in an illusion if reality is that you are immortal and omni sentient. To quote Shakespeare: “All the worlds a stage, we all have our entrances and exists and one man in his time plays many parts"

To really experience life you have to lose yourself in the part or you will only fake it.

I have little interest in starting a religion nor do I plan to do so, if however despite my best efforts to the contrary, my views one day long after I have died are used to start a religion then there is one thing that is of the highest importance above all others. That is, in its simplicity, "no one will ever claim or be allowed to claim the highest possible interpretation of my words and mark all others as inferior" All other issues with any religion can be solved if we all accept that we don’t speak for our masters or our gods. We speak for the god and the master within but we can never speak for another person’s god. One can decide that my words are holy and he will interpret them in one way. Someone else might disagree but they should argue on their own and never claim to know what I would think of the matter. You can argue, fight, and bicker, all you want but don’t do so in my name. That only applies of course if there is ever a religion formed around my words. I do not believe that Jesus wanted to start a religion; I do not believe that Luther wanted to break the Christian church in 2 and in effect start a religion, nor did Buddha or any other person who ever started a lasting religion. I am in that respect, like them, I do not want to start a religion, but like them I might not have a choice in the matter. So if this part is never omitted from my books and stays for generations after I die then it is my effort to stop a religious war in my name.

If you are only an illusion, if the ideas that make up who you are, are not based in anything concrete and illusion is what gives birth to you then wanting to end the illusion will also result in ending yourself. So when I look at all these spiritual disciplines that advocate ridding oneself of all your illusions and understanding the core reality. To me, these things appear contrary to what most people want. Most people don’t want to end their existence as that is what will happen once you realise it on the deepest level. If you are truly all powerful and you wrap yourself in this illusion so you can experience what it is like to be afraid, to love, to hate, to fear, to create, to shape and so on. It is only through he act of creation that the creation itself has any meaning. If you could create anything at anytime with no effort then all you could create would lose meaning very quickly. So a core part of existence is to learn and to experience as this is the one plane where you can really do that. So to advocate that you end your existence and rid yourself of all your illusions and return to the core is only good if you are completely content with what you have done and no longer seek to experience life. If the fragment of the whole that you are no longer has anything they desire to do then returning to the core is good but for the vast majority of people that is not the case by far. So envy not the gods for the gods envy us. They lack something we have in abundance, the risk of death and through that, the exuberance of being alive. So be not sad for you are small rejoice in that and know that in that experience there is some possibility for joy and what you wish to do that no other experience can ever give you. The candle can only shin brightly in the darkest of places where there is no other light.

This is my symphony to the mundane, to the normal, the average that thinks it is below even that.

The symphony that sings praise to all of life.


Not many people are really alive. Not many people really care. This world, this timeline, to me, feels like it is not where I am supposed to be, my timeline separated a long time ago and in a way there is nothing in this timeline that I can do to get to that timeline again. I lost my will to live when I grew up. The true will to be alive and retreated to my own world. So in that way I am little more than a log floating down a river. I am alive and I do interact with this world but there is little urge to do so beyond staying alive and what happens to be my fancy at the moment. I study spiritual things as a way of spending my time, it is a good way to spend my time but I lack the true spark to study it, there is little that I need to use my skills on. Certainly the world is full of people who are suffering and could use my help but the world is always full of people who are suffering and could use my help. I could end all the suffering in the world in a flick of a finger, we all could, I like so many others lack any real spark to try. Why would I end all suffering and at the same time end other peoples chance to determine what they are and what they wish to be. I would be doing it as an expression of who I am and since I have little spark to be anything then that would not really be correct.

In the end I am alone. I have not always been alone but as I said, this timeline is not the one where I wish to be. Yet I am still here so at least I desire to be here. But do I desire to be here or do I just desire to not be at all and thus constantly move towards a world where that is true, where I am not at all. I realise all the plots and plays I am in and have been drawn into that work to suck me of life but I have even less interest in breaking out of them. I lack any motivation or motivator to break out of them. There are not enough people who come to me and ask for my help

I lack the will to be alive for my own sake, I lack the will to die so the only will I would have left is to live for others. This in many ways is the height of self destructiveness and would only serve to dig me deeper. So I am stuck, perhaps I will find a way out of this and find my spark again, perhaps I will not find a way out. Who knows, I might end up writing like this for the rest of my life.

All I know is that most writers of note are perhaps not the healthiest of people on the planet. Writing is the last vent of the troubled mind.

I was happier when I was younger, so perhaps there is a lot of truth to the saying that heaven is for those who have the mind of a child. Depressed certainly, many children are depressed but they have something most adult’s lack. And that is the energy to be alive. Society as it is today very often consumes that energy as soon as possible so they can work when we are old. In a way we eat our children.

-End of epilogue 2

-End of book 2

The Neverending Cycle of Reincarnation.

Book 3

Prologue 3

My fate is my fate and I’ve resigned myself to it. Perhaps I will eventually be able to crawl out of this darkness I sink into time after time. I am in a way, trapped in my own personal hell, pushing the boulder of sanity up the hill again and again only to have it fall back to the bottom of hill with every attempt.

The way out for me, is perhaps to stop trying to push the boulder and figure out something else to do. Like for example trying to get people to dig out that hill until the ground is even. Like a person captivated by beauty in a modern society it is an eternal struggle up a hill that no one can ever climb. The only way to be truly beautiful is to understand that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and as such the hill itself will vanish. So the key for me is to stop trying to aspire to be happy and myself in a society that I do not see as being happy.

Stop being split in that dual vision of happiness and sadness. If I wish to be happy and for me to be happy, the world has to be in a state that promotes happiness within. If I simply strive to be happy, if I simply push that boulder up the hill I will never be happy as long as that hill is so large. It will always be farther away than I can push. While every time I fail and the boulder rolls back to the base of the hill I will lose a part of me. For what stops me from being happy is my humanity, my humanity and sensitivity to the suffering of this world makes it impossible for me to be happy. Yet I strive not to be happy, instead I run away from unhappiness and as such at times, I have tremendous difficulty understanding why I am sad.

There are parts of me that clearly understand this and clearly know why this is so, and there are parts of me that don’t understand why it is so and have no desire to understand it. So perhaps my boulder is not so much in being happy, but in slowly transforming myself from conflicting versions to one version. To slowly reconnect and reabsorb my shattered self and build a new self. The trick is doing this in a way that doesn’t make me lose my humanity. It is very easy to transform oneself to anything one wishes to be, what is harder is not transforming back and the trick to that is realising that humans have a million contradicting desires. On one hand I want love yet don’t consider myself worth it, I want sex but don’t want to surrender control, I want happiness but don’t want to lose my humanity and so forth.

All of us humans have contradicting desires such as these. The simples mind has but one desire and in that there is ignorance in bliss. It takes knowledge to have contradicting desires. If you know of only one thing you can only think of one thing. Yet like all the atoms in water moving to different directions and different desires the atoms as a whole form water. If there was but one atom there would be no variance and this individuation is the key to creation and to existence. What many lack and I amongst them is the force to hold the different parts together and have them working in a unison. To make my many shattered self’s dance in unison.

It is perhaps a step too common and one I have seen all too often, a step that blocks out once humanity for once happiness. He who is willing to give up a little humanity to gain a little happiness deserves neither and will lose both. One of the easiest ways to gain once happiness in the spiritual community is to deny once own humanity and rise above into the external self, the self of the ego. Ego is the protector, the filter the external non-creative self. Once ascend into the external self can only be done by denying once own humanity and as a result many of the people in the new age are in a state of their externals. Interacting through their body only in the shallowest sense. Afraid of connecting with anything as connecting would mean touching the sorrow of the world. So they withdraw to their external and only work to help the world from a state of the external and while they can affect the world the effect they have on the world is far less than what they could if they were in their center. Like trying to move water by breathing on it.

It is through this world spawned from sorrow and the ease with which the human mind recoils and retreats in horror that we are controlled, it takes not the fancy programming, not mind control, drugs, abductions, not terror, not even fear of death, because we run away most easily because of the fear of sadness. Threaten to give us sadness and we will fight you in our millions, in our billions even, control us by our sadness and we will be your slaves for eternity.

The real ruler never forgets to benefit from this sadness that runs in us all. It is perhaps, the curse of the humankind. Happiness is fleeting, joy is fleeting, bliss is fleeting yet sorrow is our eternal companion. All religions speak of the final bliss the final joy, the removal of ourselves from this reincarnation of sorrow. Even Buddhism speaks liberating oneself from this world. In Buddhism, the key to liberation is truly to cease once attachments to everything. Yet that way to liberation is not the way where you get to keep your humanity, it's a way where you lose your humanity, you gain freedom and happiness and lose much of your humanity.

What I have and will continue to propose is a way of the human. The single most important aspect in my way is to focus on the physical. We are physical beings with physical bodies, if we ascend one day and become energy beings then we are energy beings. But until such a day we live in a physical world on a physical plain of existence and if we don’t take care of this world and this plane then what right do we have to reach higher and reach for a condition where we have even more power if we cant even take care of one plant and fix out own political systems.

What we do to this planet, what we do to this existence is an expression of our soul. What does it say of us when the spiritual community as a whole is directed towards one purpose and one purpose alone, to leave this rotting hellhole behind and go somewhere else? We have let our house fall apart and we haven’t cleaned it in ages and we don’t wish to sit down and clean our own mess but we wish to go somewhere higher and nobler because "WE" are more worthy than this world and this plane. It seems to me that many who are seeking higher will only have a grand fall when it becomes obvious that the amount of suffering, destruction, decay and entropy we caused to this plant will speak volumes of our souls to the higher levels. Even if we reach higher the state of this world will speak of our souls for an eternity.

I like most spiritual people wish to eventually leave this planet, this cradle of the mind and reach for different planes and different planets. But being known as a member of the race who destroyed the blue marble to have squeaky duck toys is not something I wish to be. So no, I will not leave this world as long as it is in the state that it looks to be now.

Certainly we can’t destroy the planet as a whole and such is true, we can only cause it damage. But while you might not have a power to kill a person, slashing their face and torturing and cutting them for days and days can still be a heinous act perhaps worse than death.

So what I propose is that we all get off our high horses of ascension and face the fact that we are afraid, sad and very often running away from our own fate. Our fate is not set in stone but our fate is fast closing on us if we don’t do something about it.

In times of old, anarchy, firebombing and other violent acts were used yet they most often resulted in the death of the people who did it yet very few grand political changes have ever happened without violence. Not many countries got their independence through non violent acts. But violence quickly eats it children as there is not many countries now who, even after gaining independence, would not oppress others. USA gained independence through the force of arms and has since then used that force more than any other country in the world. The world is full of examples like this but. So violence is only a very last resort and even then it often eats its own.

Those who wish to change the world for good are often so sad and so afraid that they retreat far from themselves and their creative self’s, becoming easily controllable. And those who don’t do this often have little or no humanity to begin with. So those who run away would deserve more power due to the virtue of humanity than those who don’t run away. Yet by the expressions of their existence they will run and never gain power. Being human leads to being sad, being sad often leads to running away, at least, eventually, and running away causes you to be manipulated and being manipulated causes you to never gain a foothold in politics, even if one makes a long determined effort. Sure you can go as far as being the president or prime minister but as long as you are easily manipulated you will only be a puppet.

So what I propose in this 3rd book is to ground oneself to this world and begin the slow process of centering oneself on once core and not once external self. To look at the world from behind your own eyes not from a birds eye perspective. To make your body the temple to your existence, to realise the daunting mortality and the ease of death that faces us all and realise that only through actions do we gain immortality in the eyes of history. There can and almost certainly is life after death. But I will not spend this unique life, this unique being, being afraid and sad my entire life.

Chapter 1

In the Shadow of Depression.

So what is there for me to say, everything I have said before and will say is but a hallow shadow of what I try to portray or explain. Even the best of masterpieces is only a shadow of what it portrays. Such is the sorrow of any artist that even the best of magic that one can weave, the best acts of creation are pale images of the symphony that they portray, the simple symphony of life. A single leaf on a tree is simple and the simple creation is simple, but the matrix of life, the dance that all these different parts play together is always greater, larger, vaster, and infinitely more beautiful than anything one can create as the creation that one views is always a dance of many. Even the most beautiful of stars, the most beautiful of lights dims in comparison with the dance of galaxies. And this is the sorrow that drives many artists to their doom. How can a painter do justice to the whole existence of a fruit by painting but a single view of that fruit? So we are inexorably drawn to improve ourselves so that we can fit more and more of what we see into the paper, the song, the painting. Yet it is still little more than an image of the original thought.

While the brush that is lying on a table on its own is only a brush on a table, yet what gives it shape is how others interact with it. So while the brush on its own is dull as is life on its own, what gives it its beauty are the trillions upon trillions of different lives that interact with it. So certainly there is a brush on a table but why is there a brush on the table. What has it done, who has played with it, why was it made, what was it before it was made into this form, why is the wood in it of slightly different colours, why is it precisely at that angle. And very quickly these questions become so vast that any attempt to depict the brush lying on the table becomes mind bogglingly difficult and vast. Why do we insist that we paint imitations of physical effects and physical situations while they are as much lies as drawing pictures of unicorns swimming in space? If we can never do justice to what we paint and what we paint is always bigger than the canvas then why not indulge in painting what we can imagine and how far our mind can reach as the illusionary world is our world and by extension the only world that we can do justice to.

I have never painted with a brush, I paint with the word and what I try to paint is myself. So in a way all of what I will ever write is an autobiography, a view of myself as interact with the world. As the only perspective on anything one can ever have is once own view. As a result any attempt to view the world is as much an attempt to view oneself. I understand this and I accept this, yet the words that I use are so shallow, so without meaning that at times I wish I could just gather all of my words back again and burn everything I have said. How am I supposed to say anything when just to describe a pen lying on the table I would have to tell the entire history of the universe of all the things it has ever touched of all the people who were involved in making that pen, all the mass, all the matter, so language has to be constricted to 0.000001% meanings and 99.999999% assumptions. I've said this earlier and will lament at it again. How am I supposed to teach, how am I supposed to guide if the very basis of any human mind or interaction is assumption that we are on the same level. If when I say fish you think of a sea creature but I think of the act of fishing. When I say go fish, I mean that the fish should keep up the good work and swim faster while you think that you should go fish for the fish that I think is doing a good job. Very often I just sit here in disgust at how empty all my words are and how I still don’t know anything that I could teach you, in fact, I doubt I ever will. So I will go around that whole issue and fool myself by thinking this is an autobiography, a pitiful attempt at that. When I started my first book, in the early parts of writing I said that I could write a million words a day for a million years and still not cover one millionth of my being. Or at least, that is what I meant to say, it didn’t come out right then, the me of then, the me of a second ago is always a different me than the me of now. So the me of now despises the me of 5 seconds ago while the me of 5 seconds from now might love the me of 2 hours ago. It is a never ending cycle of reincarnation all the while never leaving my body, a tale so beautiful that I could sit here weeping for the rest of my existence and still not do it justice. Sleep and ignorance dulls the senses and makes one content with half an existence, while awakens is often so harsh and so painful that it is like walking from a black and white world into one with millions of colours.

In the pause between these words and the ones that came before it hit me that the more I struggle to fit the truth into a small vessel such as these words the more frustrated I will be. These words might point at the truth but these words are far from the truth. The truth is also fluid, in that it changes from moment to moment and thus the truth that was true yesterday is no longer true today, it can only be true at the very precise point in time and space. So I must try to keep these words as timeless as possible to still point at what I mean but try to help the people that read it now. This is what bothers me greatly of many of the people who say they are enlightened and who say they know how the world works and that they have all the answers, they then proceed to retreat from the world and cover away from what it is and say that there is no point in trying to change it. When they see violence, rape, murder all the acts that should awaken them to reality they simply sit back and say "why should I intervene". I on the other hand ask why should you not intervene? True all that happens, happens because of the wish of all those involved yet the one who is raped might not exclusively wish to be raped but wish for others to stop the rape. I believe I have said this before but it is something that cannot be overstated. You are and always will be for as long as you have this body, a piece of humanity. And as such you are no higher and no more removed from humanity than the beggars on the street. While you can pretend you are higher and sit in your mountain and say "I can’t intervene because it is what they wish for" you are of course completely right, but while you are right your understanding of the situation is limited to strictly one aspect of creation. That all happens because of the desires of all who are involved. So while you are more advanced and more developed in one aspect than most people will ever be you are also so deep in the psychosis of your own godhood and how all these mere mortals would be damaged by your radiant presence acting with them. This is what bothers me about most spiritually minded people, they preach of unison and of removing once ego but they do not remove the ego they simply remove the physical. Many associate ego with what is physical because it is the physical body’s sense of self preservation which gives cause to clinging to things and to people as they give comfort. But it is the spiritual body’s sense of ego which clings to its immortality and is so terribly afraid of interacting with the physical world less it somehow be forced to face the fact that it is, indeed, irrevocably mortal. While you are correct in saying that you never NEED to interfere in the affairs of others, however, there are a billion people on this planet who are calling for your help. No, that is wrong, there are a billion people on this planet who are PRAYING for your help and here you are, sitting on your mountain of spiritual egoism and not lifting a finger to help them because "to each their own". Well, that is all fine and also all true, but I pray that you will have it easy when the realisation of what suffering your choices to not act caused to those who begged for you to act when you finally are faced with the consequences of your actions. I know that when I come face to face with the results of my choices, my actions and my inactions I will crush myself into a small cube and throw myself right there next to Lucifer in the lake of boiling brimstone with the rest of us mortals. I will not buy a place in paradise with the blood of innocents on my hand. A choice to act, to bomb a city is equally as much a choice as to not act, to not act to feed those who need food and cloth those who need clothing.

So blame the war makers, blame the killers, the butcher’s, the terrorists all you want, but don’t for a second think that you are any less of a sinner in your own eyes when it really hits you. We who live of the suffering of others have been cursed by millions if not billions throughout the ages, do not for a second think that such a power of hatred will go unrewarded.

All that aside life is not all grim but we as a society seem to be spiralling towards the abyss at a pace that scares the living shit out of me. Even those who say they wish to care for others are so totally uncaring that it looks to me as if they are in a state of psychosis. As if they have been drugged up and left to wonder the streets in a daze. There are truly magnificent people out here that do help people out on the level that the people are in. Not in some petty scraps from our high spiritual table. There was a person in Finland, the country where I was born and where I still live when I’m writing these words, the person died some time ago but he dedicated most of his adult life to helping poor people, he handed out food and did all he could to help the poor and he was the kind of saint that might not have understood a word of spiritual teachings or a word of what I am saying but he was the kind of saint that did instead of thought. And he is a saint that should never be called a saint, he was simply a human, a simple man who worked most of his life trying to help and feed the poor. There are countless of people like this around the world and I give them my best regards and wish them the absolute best in life. While many of them are working without enough understanding of what they are doing to make a real effort at the very least they try, most of the spiritual community and the society at large have equally as little understanding yet they don’t even try.

Is the fear of sadness indeed such an immense curse that all other faults can be drawn to it? Are we truly so repulsed by being sad, that we all run away into our own psychosis? We run into our illusions of money, our illusions of spiritual heights, illusions that are as complex and as multitude as society itself. Truly all is a illusion and there is no use denying that and that all of this is just a dream and has no shape, yet never forget that while you are in this dream, while you still have this body you are still a human that lives in this illusion so you are equally as bound by the borders and rules of this illusion as everyone else. True that one can bend the laws of physics and do all things nifty and that all of this will end and we will in the end just be sitting on the edge of some cloud and giggling about it all. But for most that means that there is no value to their life and they can do anything and that there are no consequences. Perhaps it is truly so and that there is bliss beyond this life but what ever the truth behind that is. The truth behind my actions is that I will not benefit from the suffering of another sentient being if there is anything I can do to ease that suffering. I admit that I do eat meat but there is very little I could do to stop the farming of livestock and I do my best to lean towards natural farming and natural cattle producing. The cow as a species would not exists now had humans not always farmed it, so in a way it is a symbiotic relationship. Yet these are hallow words when one looks in the eyes of a cow that is going to the butchery. This is one sin that weighs so heavy on me that I have no doubt I will one day pay the price for it. A lot of people who read this will scoff and think "Hah, vegetarian, is eating meat truly so bad" Perhaps it is perhaps it isn’t but think of it this way, would you like seeing your children, your lover, your mother eaten by a lion even if that lion had fed you and taken care of you for many years. Perhaps it would not be so bad if we as humans could establish a serious connection with our animal companions and afford them the bare minimums of a safe and happy life, but when the most entertaining things we give to pigs is a rubber hose so that they don’t have a nervous breakdown because of boredom I truly question the compassion we show.

When we argue about if humanism is of the devil because it raises a human to the statue of the one who does things as opposed to god yet forget that Jesus himself said that what you do unto these, my lesser brethren you do unto me. We bicker and argue about inconsequential things while our world burns around us. We are so filled with seeing beasts everywhere that we no longer see the light anywhere. Even when we see the light we often think that all bright lights are good and that all that leads as higher will lead us to salvation, yet is it not said in the bible in a cautionary sense that Lucifer was the highest of angels, the morning star, the brightest of the bright yet he fell. Many in the spiritual community are like flies who head towards the bright lamps, drawn by the fire and the beautiful flames only to be burned to cinders leaving many fly babies starving for food. It appears to me that if there is to be a culling on this planet as some so grimly suggest, then I say that the culling wont aim for those who remain on this planet but for those who in their urge to escape the suffering they helped create try to reach higher only to come face to face with what it is they are truly running towards. Like a Venus Flytrap luring in the unsuspecting.

Yet all that being said the only thing that I can see that would stop any kind of wilful culling of humanity is that we all stand up for each other. That we all help each other out and defend each other, not just each other in the family, or the tribe, or the workplace or the nation but all of us help each other, you don’t have to like me or your worst enemy but if you like and help 20 people around you and they help 20 people around them then eventually you will also help your enemy. When we no longer need to struggle for our survival we no longer need to fear he who would take something from me. Communism solved this by making everything possession of the society yet this does not work because society is a blanket term which is too large for most people to ever understand and all systems have their faults and there isn’t one particular system above any other that would work and others wouldn’t, it depends on the time that the society is in for it to work. What I simply propose is that we stop running away from our problems lest we end in a trap. Stop being controlled by our emotions, our fears and those who wish to control us, to open our eyes to what is going on in and around us and learn to see who is controlling us and why.

The victim of abuse very often becomes the abuser. When one is emotionally tortured for years one builds a system that keeps the torturing going to avoid being yelled at. When you are being hurt continuously you build a system around you that hurts you a little day in day out so you don’t hurt as much when someone yells at you. There are many different ways to run away from the world and to run away from pain this is one of them. When pleasure is associated with pain, love associated with hate, closeness associated with weakness we are a society that will implode on its own impossibility. As the bright colours and reaction of the love that surrounds most children continuously remind their parents of the love and bright colours they used to feel as a child they are reminded of the pain, reminded of the suffering and they slowly begin to stamp it out, as if to protect their child from some invisible judge that would judge them not worthy, often this judge acts exactly like the parent or sibling or caretaker that damaged the parent in the first place. It is so much easier to implement these insanities in a society than it is to remove them. When you are told you must wear clothes for being naked offends the neighbours you tell your children 20 years later that they must also wear clothes, even if you live in the middle of the forest with relatively no chance of spotting anyone else for miles and miles. And slowly, step by step you are brainwashed by the society around you and thought to think that "children have no ideas of their own but are completely implanted on the environment around them" Yet no one knows when children began to have their own ideas, even if by the age of 2 children are their own distinctive persons the brainwashing hardly ends there. Yet slowly, step by step you forget your own humanity, your own ideas and supplement those with ideas implanted on you by others and you are told that you never had ideas of your own. And you slowly begin to accept that.

By this I do not mean simple creative forces, I mean any action that stems from the momentary impulse of who you wish to be as opposed to what society has taught you to be. The curious thing with this is that it usually takes anything from few seconds to a few years for the societal programming to kick in and to reverse the original impulse. The quickest can be the shame of calling out to someone on a public place and then being struck with "I shouldn’t have done that". I'm sure anyone could think of a million different situations. Any action that makes as go outside of our strictly defined box will always get us lashed. The first that upkeeps this box once built up in childhood is yourself, then your family, then the society around you. Yet to say that you have to break out of the box is as much a box as saying that you have to stay in the box is a box. Simply realise what is going on and decide for yourself if you want to stay in the box or not. Since this book is directed mostly at the spiritual community I point out to many would be enlightened people that you seek a false idol. If you seek to be a better and nobler person, seek not to be enlightened or to be Buddha to be that, seek simply to be noble and better than you were and you will be.

So, you are awake, you are Buddha, you are enlightened, great, what do you wish to do with that, sit on a mountain and look cryptic or do you wish to actually help your fellow men. Do you wish to teach, what do you wish to teach, that everyone should be awake, isn’t that a form of pushing everyone in a box. In the same way I am pushing everyone in the box while trying to kick people awake and trying to get people to "save the world". Then again, I admit to that, I admit that I am a human and I wish to have a say in what happens in the world, I also realise that I am immortal and in the end this will all be for nought or perhaps not, perhaps I will die and I will be dead for good, either way I tend to do what I desire to do and I desire to help people and get people to work to help each other.

Chapter 2.

Shops not crosses.

It both saddens and disgusts me when I look at most of the religions today, the small people, the weak people, the poor people, gather around to build palaces and homes for the big people, the strong people, the rich people. Christianity is an ample example of this. How often is it so that the first place a Christian community builds is the church while they don’t even have houses or running water or healthcare? Same is true for Muslims and Buddhists and I would be willing to bet that the same is true for almost every religion and society structure. Of course not all Buddhists work like this and not all Christians and Muslims and Jews and pagans and so on work like this. Yet very often when I go to a meeting of Buddhists or Christians or Muslims I see that the first thing they build or rent or buy is a place where they can gather and pray. In essence they make a big deal of their religion and work for their religion instead of working for the health and the life of their fellow believers.

How is it that a system of belief like Buddhism that encourages a law of karma, that all actions have a equal and opposite reaction, and all evil actions come back in a form that will eventually harm you, still engages in widespread crimes against others, for one they beg for their food, they leech of others for survival instead of devoting the effort they spend sitting and meditating on developing ways to help the community that they are from. To develop ways to improve the harvests, to improve the health, and the livelihood of the people around them. I noted a while ago that the reason I became depressed was that I didn’t fit into this world, I did not know how someone who is supposed to be spiritually high, the lamas and the popes, bishops and imams can do so much harm while they represent the high spirituality. The high spirituality I wished to attain so I slowly became more and more depressed because I tried to unconsciously change to be evil, to see what the reasoning, what the sense of their actions was and I slowly came to realise that there is no sense other than to be negative about life. To Christians, to Buddhists, to Muslims, to Jews to many of the religions on this world, life is a suffering and as such we should only focus on the life after this one. This is handy for the ones on the top of the pyramid for then they can simply oppress the ones below them. Yet I am far from a communist because I realise that a vast majority of these religions were started off as good but they were simply twisted to the mockery of their original ideas they are now. I realise that by saying that much of modern Buddhism, and much of modern Christianity, much of modern Islam and much of modern Jewism is a mockery of what it used to be I will make many enemies, but if the price I have to pay for holding humanity, friendship, and help for our fellow human is my life then I will sadly but certainly pay that price.

Many religions, many ideas are simply involved in the petty power plays and struggle to gain power for themselves while they sit on a pile of skulls like old dragons. Hoarding their treasures and their wealth for their own benefit, they drive around in porches while the peasants of many lands still watch their children die of starvation while they earn less than 1 dollar a day, at the same time the petty power plays fight on as they have for over 10 millennia. If there is darkness in this world it is because we brought it here, not because some obscure god somewhere ruled that there should be darkness here. We keep perpetuating this darkness day in and day out with our religions that fight over insignificant or at the very least marginal differences of opinion and let millions and millions of people outside of their chosen fate die simply because it is god's will, they were heathen or it is the law of karma. If it is truly karma that a great portion of humanity suffers, then I truly question the wisdom of the universe that some think we live in. If there is a wilful punishment because of past deeds with no hope of redemption then that is not divine it is a mockery of the divine. We can be lead to think that that is how it works and how all of it is supposed to work but it is a very shallow prison not worthy to contain even the remains of the worst of humans. Everything happens because of our desire to make it happen. If you eliminate the desire, the ego, the wish for something better then those who still wish for something better at the top will have it easier to manipulate others to do their will. When you are told that any desire to reach for a better world is a sin and you are clinging to this reality you automatically withdraw from this world and then usually those who tell you that it is a sin get to work making the world as they see fit.

We focus on immaterial things as if they are supposedly something better or something nobler than the material things that surround us, if matter on its own is supposedly less worthy than spirituality on its own. They forget that in all things there is energy, nay, all things are energy. So to focus on material is also to focus on the energy, yet focus on simply one aspect of reality. If we always place value on things outside of ourselves and place value on our existence by thinking that "when I get to the next level./when I get to the afterlife." we constantly live in a future and we slowly begin to lose our sight and our footing in reality and become a eternal wheel that always seeks to go to the future, to the next level and never stops to realise that there is no purpose in simply reaching the next level if there is but a single flower in this world you have not yet stopped to smell.

I propose to all those who think that the material existence is suffering and that the material existence is not worthy of their effort to improve and that only the higher spiritual existence is worth anything to kill yourself where you stand and donate your organs to those who desire to live in the material world. If you truly have no desire to use your body then let those who have a desire to use it to use it and perhaps make something beautiful and help others instead of simply, just sitting.

Since your still here I assume you didn’t want to kill yourself, well, most religions already opted that out by saying that suicide is a sin or suicide will carry I karmic burden or other such ways to close the only way out. Murder and killing a friend are also sins unless of course, you work for the church or the monastery. So in the end what this creates is a prison where others control the only way out for you and you have no way but to seek to go higher or disobey their teachings and face almost certain excommunication or death. It is not all that uncommon even in these days to label anyone who disagrees with the official religion as a cult and have them all massacred. So while it might sound laughable to say that we are as imprisoned as ever, more than a moment of though will reveal this to be true.

When I speak of religions I speak of the heavenly religions but I speak as much for the political religions, capitalism and communism and monarchy and most forms of government are as much beliefs in the superiority of one intangible force over another intangible force. How often have you really debated the chosen political system of a political activist and then debated the chosen religion of a religious activist and found the conversation to be almost exactly the same. Most of religions and governments have one thing in common, they give the people a sense of something removed from self is what qualifies the self. We are democratic and those are oppressed. We are Christians and those are pagans. Always using the system we live in to define who we are as opposed to the internal.

It takes real effort to define you based on the internal and not the external.

Chapter 3


The moment I die, all that I am all that I was and all that I ever will be vanishes. All my dreams, my hopes, my desires, all that I have ever wished for or feared will be undone. Sure I can leave a legacy behind me, but that legacy is as much me as the legacy a horse leaves behind when fertilizer is needed is the horse itself. All that I can leave behind is just something that has passed through me, something that I have processed. The air I breathe out is as much me as the air I pass. There is but a thin haze on who I really am and even that haze can’t be touched. Can my thoughts be touched? When I move my hand I can feel my hand moving yet can the movement of my hands be thought about in the exact same way that I feel about it. Yet all humans are unique in that they are in the unique position of the one who observes the world through this riot shield of meat. This gear designed to protect us from all that is outside. Even the skin itself is designed to protect. We are all trapped in a hologram, a illusion of depth while all relations are skin deep. All actions in the world will always be skin deep, this world of the hologram, this world of the illusion, the world of cages. We are souls called into bubbles of meat that let us experience the contained state of being meat. Yet it is something we both dearly love and hate, it is something we indeed love to hate.

I can feel my heart beating in my chest, the blood flowing in my veins and one day it will all stop. One day everybody dies. This is such a wonderful gift we have been given, yet it is the kiss of death given to us by the god of our dreams. We are like golems brought alive from the dust only to die again. You order us and we move, you command us and we obey. All the exits are covered and all the spaces are watched and before your very eyes we all die. You sit there watching in the corner to this sick game. You find more and more ways to twist us into a mockery of what we are. We strive to the very best we can to be happy in this world that has been created, this perfect world that you did not even create. Sure you would like us to believe that you created this world but this world is as much your creation as the food placed before me is my creation. Even if I grew all the plants and animals and slaughtered and harvested them my self then they are still less my creation than the tree you fertilize with the legacy of the horse is the creation of the horse. You found a small world on a small place and decided to play sick games and play God. Yet in all that the locals love you, they worship you, they deify you while you watch, laughs, sit back and watch Rome burn. Oh how you have fallen from grace god of the gods. I will see you burn like the enemies you so like to create. We are your children yet you glorify yourself on your ability to kill us over and over again. Does it satisfy your sick twisted sense of self to play petty power games and tricks and pretend you are great? You are not great, you are beneath my contempt, beneath even the dirt beneath the lowliest of humans. You deserve nothing but contempt and hatred from me.

Why is there so much beauty in this constricted world, this hologram, that for me to look at it for more than 5 seconds I would go blind. I won’t drop to my knees in tears because I won’t make it beyond 5 seconds. The beauty of the single object vanishes as my mind becomes clogged again and death of beauty is near. Even the remains of an orange on my table are so beautiful that words will never reach it.

The beauty of the world I see might never be explained.

The beast within claws inside my soul, at the edge of my sanity, I slump in a chair, it feeds from my essence, draws me in its embrace, only to sink its teeth into my soul, to eat my grace, to walk around wearing my face. Here I walk true, the beast within walks in you, the beast within walks where I go.

The beauty in every orange, the beauty in the dark, in the grim, the beauty in the face of the demon who intends to devour you, the beauty in the pain, the pleasure. The beauty in all staggers the mind so I go cold. Beauty is perfect, perfect in all, seeing you is seeing all.

So how am I then, to choose which of these children I created is the best above all others. Why one of these items, people, life, atoms, universe, and gods, which of these is the best. Why would one god be above other gods? When all of this is of the same dream, of the same web of illusions, of the same marvellous stunningly beautiful dream, how can I then choose which dream is the best dream? Depression, the dark touch of the beast, the dark embrace is as filled with colours and mind-bending beauty as any joy or pleasure. I sit here, on my jolly arse and just look at all of this beauty, even in all of this suffering.

Yet I must caution people who do not yet see this to not be lulled into believing that everything is inherently pleasant to the people experiencing it. That would be very far from the truth, at least as I see it. Beauty has little to do with pleasure. The act of giving birth can be very painful but still very beautiful. So when you see something that is inherently painful to the person experiencing it and the person in pain does not want to experience pain then while the situation is beautiful, both interfering and not interfering are equally beautiful in general. There is an incredibly dangerous trap here that has trapped most spiritual seekers I have ever seen. And that is to believe that the world is already out there, separate of what is inside of you, that the world is perfect and beautiful in that perfection IF you do not act. That belief stems from humanity’s inherent self-hatred and is untrue. The world is perfect regardless of if you act or not act. The inherent perfection of the world cannot be shattered by anything since acting in a system that is perfect creates only perfection. So please, never ever think you cannot act as the world is already perfect. You are a perfect being with perfect light and nothing you EVER do could be anything but perfect. So act as you see fit, marvel the beauty of not acting as much as you marvel acting!

When you first open your eyes do not be blinded by the light. Change yourself and change the world to make it what you wish for it to be, as you have done before. Creation did not stop when someone said; "Let there be light" and it does not stop "When the fat lady sings". It carries on forever rippling on in the sea of eternity.

Cheesy but true.

Chapter 4

Future Tense.
I wonder what the people will be like in 100 years from now, will they still have arms and legs, dreams and nightmares. Do we humans cross the threshold into a new paradigm, a new singularity beyond which our present knowledge can’t cover? The rate of technological advance is approaching a critical mass, the technological advance in one year will be greater than in all the years before it. Though I wonder if the rate of technological advance is real advance as opposed to simply new technology being revealed after its been hidden away for decades. Either way, human technological development is approaching a point where we can advance at the speed of light and is fast approaching limitless. It is going to be a race to what idea spreads the quickest, in the golden-olden days ideas spread quickly but vast amounts of effort were required to bring those ideas to fruition due to the simple fact that the effort required to travel, or to even physically spread that information, let alone survive in the world was far greater than it would optimally be now.

So, as power and energy is spreading around the world at the speed of light, it takes a fraction of the effort it took 100 years ago to spread information and power. With that in mind, it ultimately becomes a question of whose information is being spread and whose power is used and gained. Right now it is obvious that the information spread is controlled in the invisible spectrum. One might say it is controlled behind the scenes. Needless to say those controlling it behind the curtains, or rather, the idea and the energy controlling it behind the curtain hasn’t been particularly against using violence to advance its goal and turning people into barbeque. One might even say that using violence and turning people into barbeque has been its goal, at least in the past several decades or millennia’s. I'm not talking of any specific group of people or any shadowy mysterious elite as a whole, of course there is a shadowy mysterious elite as a whole that’s been ruling the planet for the past 20.000 years at least. But they hardly have a single agenda to kill 95% of the people and turn the 4.95% of the remaining into slaves. Of course they do have that agenda right now but it’s not really one that's been going on for more than a few centuries. They, like any other group of people, are mostly interested in maintaining their respective power and control as they see it.

Of course their power is all an illusion, even more so than the world itself is. It is an illusion simply because it relies on others to do their work for them, and to get others to do your work for you, you have to be able to convince others that it is in their best interest to do their bidding. To do that the interest of the leaders and people have to be similar or the workers have to be convinced that their interests are similar. The moment the workers, and by workers I mean 99.75% of the worlds population realise that their interest do not necessarily coincide with the interests of the leaders we will take control of this shared dream again. And this is what scares the leaders shitless, democracy is what scares them shitless. Not Democracy(tm) as it is presented today but true power of the people, regardless of what governmental system controls that power. At the present time, the elite and the leading class comprises of maybe 100.000 people if you include the entire fringe as well. In reality the true leadership of 95% of the world is in the hands of around 500 people. But they do not own the rest through some virtue or complex system, they own the rest because no one contests their ownership on it.

So, when the time comes as it always comes, for the elite to make its grab for more power the people to carry out their wishes are the people they wish to control or already control. The difference between this time and the times that have gone again is that now they have an actual physical way to control people through high-level technology. No control is absolute and even if they win this round they will eventually lose again, just as those seeking to control their own lives will eventually lose again. Such is the flux of life, we go from democracy to dictatorship and back again. So perhaps the elite will win this time, or they will lose this time, either way eventually we will be free again, only to lose that freedom again. Or such has, at least, been the way it has always been. But like I said, we are fast approaching a technological singularity, a technological shift in our paradigm that will change the human race and the world in a way we can’t possibly understand. So while old wisdom has been true until now, we can’t possibly be certain it will always be true. Are we willing to risk it? What if we are wrong and letting go this one last time will doom us to an eternity of servitude?

Talking from a purely biological standpoint and discounting the possibility of any spiritual way of controlling us, all it takes to control most people are 2 simple things. Food and Fun. To give the people bread and circus. In the past it’s been fast food and movies, or bread, wine and a good gladiator fight. All of these are very low level systems of control that invariably fail in the end due to many different reasons. Yet it is the scientific dictatorship, or the scientific control which, while not being anymore absolute than any other control, can get closest to the singularity of absolute control. While the singularity itself can never be reached, one can approach to within a infinitely small distance from it. So, no control is absolute but a scientific dictatorship is the tightest control thus far. So, as I said in the beginning, while studying the past can be helpful in letting us plan for the future, studying the past for its own sake is not worth much. So knowing that in the past controls and dictatorships have always fallen doesn’t really mean that we can relax and trust that this one will also fall.

A human being is most dangerous when its survival is threatened and easiest to control when it is happy and content, at least after you have deprived it of happiness for a while before you give it to him. If you wish to know more of how to control people and how the elite control people I suggest you start by reading Nicolò Machiavelli's "the prince" and move on to the various books by the various Nazi’s on how they controlled their population, after that it might be smart to read about hypnosis, suggestion and making mind controlled killers through drugs and suggestion. There isn’t much I can say that hasn’t been said better before, I will say this. Don’t go to the camps when they come for you, don’t get on the trains, don’t believe them when they tell you they will protect you from the enemies they created. There is only one man you can trust with your own survival. The man within. Every time the government came after and killed its own people the once that were fortunate enough to get out of the camps alive have lamented on how sad it all was, had they just once stood up when they came after them, had they met them in the stairs it would have all ended there and then. Then when none of them stood up they all died. So I’ll stand here, and say for the record. Don’t get on the trains, don’t go to the camps, fight, resist, spread information, love, hope, and never despair for the fight is not for a nation, not even for an idea, it is for the human spirit and the human soul. That particular cliché has been used over and over again but look around you, has any dictator before been in a position to have the technological know how to program children from birth and ensure that even the thought of rebellion, the possibility of resistance was removed. The time is not upon us yet to stand or fall but that time might yet come, perhaps it will never come and the efforts of the minority that do most the work to stop the majority from dying will be enough to stop humanity going over the edge.

Perhaps they will not be enough and it will be up to the rest, the reluctant masses that hate to pull away from their controlled life, their sedated brains slowly churning away. Perhaps it will be up to them to save the minority that for its best efforts was not strong enough, didn’t do enough. Perhaps there is nothing we can do anymore, I do not know, but I do know that I will die eventually, some 50-60-70 years from now and I cant stop that, even if someone comes up with a way to prolong the life of the body for 1.000 years I will still die and there is nothing that I can do to stop that. So all I can do is decide what to do with the time I’ve been given. You are never born out a vacuum, you are born into a society and given life by that society, by your parents and all those around them, so all the time you have, was given to you by all those around you, your one chance to shine and be remembered forever. So what do you want to do with the time that is given to you, do you consume and stay where you are or do you venture out to change the world? You can never live forever, you can only die older. Venture out to trust, to change, to believe and shape this world for those that come after you.

Chapter 5

I, Eye, Aye

Many who say "I am" do not think, "I am" and the I being the creator, the self. Rather, they think I AM, the I is given value through BEING and not having inherent value in on itself. To say, I am, is not an expression of I am through others or I am me through being in existence, I AM. It is to say nothing more than ME. When one says "I am drunk" one is saying I am something because of this factor, I am drunk. When one says, in the spiritual sense, I am there is a slight trap here, because I am implies something outside of yourself qualifying you even if you do not think so. The word am always implies that there is something that you are or something outside of yourself. Then one should say nothing more than I. When one adds anything to that your existence is no longer yourself, rather, it is through something else and that does not lead to the higher level I it leads to the external self which says, I am through others or through the universe, this in turn seeks to qualify you not as a absolute self but as a expression of others. While this of course is also true and also very important to use at times, the highest self is simply "I" and nothing less.

So, try for a moment then, think "I am, I exist" which is the common usage of the word I am in spiritual terms. Then simply think of I, think of yourself with the simple word I. If this works as it did for me the effect is rather profound. I, not through others, but on its own right as the only absolute in existence, the self. The world outside of you, all that is out there is in essence in here and not really out there on its own. Of course one could argue that the inner spark is not true and all is an illusion on the basic level, which of course is true and the argument would be valid. Yet all is an illusion in the very basic level and that makes no difference to anything, anything less than the very basic level is less than completely true and become more of a illusion. So yes, in the end the inner spark is not there, nothing is ever anywhere and nothing in the grand scale has ever even existed. Yet that information is completely pointless on its own and as I have pointed out before, has no effect on the world on its own since you are simply faced with a yes or no question, do you, now that you know it is an illusion, stop existing or do you stay alive. So in the illusion itself the only thing that is real is the person in the illusion, and in essence the world out there does not exist as a absolute as we are observing and interacting with that world but the world is not separate as we project it from within.

The illusion, as I see it, is not projected from outside to the inside. There is no engine of creation that is keeping us here that is outside of ourselves, the only engine of creation that is keeping creation, the illusion, going is the creator self within, which is the only real self. God creates humans so humans would create god. Alpha and omega, the creator and the created. Not in the fluffy sense that the universe is figuring itself out since existence is so much wider than we can possibly even hope to grasp. Simply that looking behind the curtain of creation, behind the veil that is pulled over all of creation does not reveal an evil creation or a parallel creation, it simply reveals no creation, no life. Not death, not imaginary vacuum that is in space but real lack of all existence. Once you venture out into the void out there it is easy to forget that you exist and believe that the void is deadly or that the void would kill you, the void is simply the lack of creation and the lack of existence. You can venture outside of this illusion, this creation, outside of the void as far as you can go until all the bubbles of creation are like stars in the sky and say, let there be light, and there will be light.

This is why it is of paramount importance to understand that the spark of creation is within and it is in the I, the very existence of I is creation without and's, if's or but's. If creation comes from within and expands outwards then no matter where you go you will always exists, assuming no desire to stop existing. So you can go outside of all of existence, go outside of the entirety of this creation, of all concepts of existence of all that has ever been here and you will still be you and you will still be the creator that can breath life or death into the void. If however, creation and existence comes from outside of yourself you can never leave the creation as leaving it would also mean leaving what makes your existence sustainable.

-Chapter 6

What if the price is my life, my soul, my existence, Father please let this cup pass!

Back to the topic I meant to cover in this book, the earthly conspiracies. The Illuminati, the Freemasons, Lizzies, all kinds of dark magic as well as all kings of light magic being used to control people. The kind of stuff that gets people killed.

Be safe in one truth above all others, the evil agenda will fail and the people behind it will fall. We might lose this battle and this war but eventually they will fall, one way or another. It might take us a thousand years after they get to power for freedom and human value rises again but it will eventually do so again. We have been manipulated and lied to for millennia’s by beings far more powerful than those in power now. For Eons they have tried to hold us back and hold our human spirits in check yet they have never managed to fully destroy our spirit and they will never be able to. Simply because they will never be able to erase our existence from time, much as they want to and try to. If they succeed this time in their plans, to turn the population into a chipped, drugged, mentally comatose people they will only create more resistance in the future. Not from the drugged once for they are completely under control, but from the people who control them. One day one of them will ask what the purpose of them doing this is, he will almost certainly die but there will be someone after him and someone after him and so on and the system will slowly begin to change into liberty again. They need slaves to have at least enough knowledge to upkeep the slave networks, while the Illuminati and others have a huge advantage in technology they are in a position that is difficult to win against. Once they lose their technological advantage as compared to the rest of humanity, for example, by starting to openly use nanites to program people. They lose the technological edge they have since the moment they start openly using their technology others will gain the opportunity to reverse engineer their technology and start using it against them.

If they truly succeed in their plans to microchip the population and connect all of us to their central computer and make us little more than a mockery of a beehive. They at the same time open themselves for someone to destroy them using their own tools. A population connected by microchips and told what to do and what to think from a central source is also very open to interference. If someone has the will and the desire to interfere with that system they have all the tools inside them and with a bit of human creativity they could easily feed the future equivalent of a computer virus into the system and inform everyone connected to the network to what is really going on. Possibilities such as these are endless and in the end, are inevitable. Such as the fall of liberty and the rise of fascism are also inevitable, the fall of fascism and the rise of liberty are also inevitable. The more people are squeezed the more they resist and the forces arrayed against us end up helping us.

The creative destructive dualism helps them as much as it helps us. The creative force helps you to make anything you desire to, I call them angels since they are in a way a creative force behind the scenes that lack any personalised desire to act in one way or another only to create. Angels as personalised entities of course do have a preference if they are individual entities, so perhaps a better term would be Creator/God force.
The other side is the destructive force which tries to stop or hinder you from doing anything or advancing. In essence it is the force that keeps the universe as it is and not as it could be, this force is as important to the maintaining of creation and existence as creative forces are. A easy way to see this motion of destructive and creative forces is to look at a sun. The restrictive force keeps it together while the expansive, the creative, keeps it shining and like this, in balance it will keep burning for billions of years.

The very act of being alive, the very act of looking calls forth the destructive power, the power to collapse the wave of possibility to a point of existence. The act of looking is an act of constricting and an act of destroying as much as it is an act of opening and an act of creating. You create out of the many possibly realities that exists the one you decide to focus on. You give that one reality what the other realities didn’t get, a chance to stay still for a moment. It is like a song, all the other instruments suddenly fall deafly silent while a single instrument starts to play. Until you turn your gaze, close your eyes and listen to the song again, the solo of creation.

Now, these creative background forces are simply pure form energies which on their own carry no meaning and no desire. These two forces must not be thought of as good and bad, or as black and white, they are simply creative and destructive. Creative force can be used to create concentration camps and to kill millions of people while the destructive force can be used to destroy the camps. The desire for the destruction itself being a creative act and the way to doing that is the way through the destructive force.

Those that simply focus on destructive forces have very little real power since they will fairly quickly become what they focus on and destroy themselves, or at least the energy they used for destruction. In a way destroying their destructiveness and lose all power they have. Those that focus on creation only often explode in much the same manner as a destructive person is destroyed. The creative person simply creates and ends up in a position where the simple raw power of creation overwhelms the person. So neither specific alignment is what the powers behind the scene use, for them to be in power this long they must have realised this eons ago.

Purely destructive is usually a crackpot and purely creative is usually a crackpot on a power trip. The balanced evil mind that knows and wants to use both sides to create what they desire is the person that is truly evil. They know how to pull the strings and create elaborate lies but they also know how to destroy and remould the universe as they see fit. These are the kinds of people who can ascend to a false godhood if they gain enough energy. And these are the kinds of people who are truly dangerous for they are the epitome of the evil creator. Evil of course being subjective as ever, they are the kinds of creators who don’t want to create equals, they want to create slaves.

And these are the kinds of people that rule the world at the moment simply because for some reason or another they managed the win against those that wanted to create equals. At least this is the image that is portrayed at the moment. It is also equally as possible that good is far more powerful behind the scenes and evil is only what is being shown for some reason. I personally believe it is far more likely that evil forces are in control at the moment simply because our planet and our little corner of the universe is aligned with the destructive and restrictive counterforce and most people don’t want to be evil so evil rules. Most people want a good world but very few people have the energy, desire, and know how to shape the universe in any meaningful way at the moment. So we create the counterforce by desiring to be good yet we never break through that counterforce by our daily actions to realise our goodness.

Whatever the reason the practical day to day realisation remains, the powers that manifest themselves into view at the present time in the universe are powers aligned with evil. Why this so can be debated, what to do about it can be debated and what I present here is simply my point of view and I claim nothing more.

I believe the answer is to stop being afraid.

Stop being afraid of a higher connection, stop being afraid of a lower connection, stop being afraid of men, stop being afraid of women! You don’t have to love nor even connect with anything you now fear, simply stop fearing them and being disconnected simply out of fear. If you as a conscious choice after you lose your fear decide that the way you wish to express yourself is not through connection to things you feared in the past then so be it, then you are in control of your fears, of your external self and not the other way around.

Stop being afraid of one side of yourself, stop being afraid of the light, stop being afraid of the dark! The creator is within yourself, no matter where you go you will always be the creator, the light can’t harm you nor can the dark. The intention to harm can harm you regardless of if you’re in the light or in the dark. The intention itself is what harms you not the device used to harm you. Both sides have an equal lure, the lure of the destructive side is as powerful as the lure of the creative side, both are equally as unpredictable in the end. The creative person can create death and the destructive person can destroy what is killing you. Darkness can save and light can destroy.

There are no simple answers.

Take the world and make of it what you will, stop simply sitting and wishing for it to happen, it takes a dozen people to wake millions up, but it takes millions of people to change the world.

Waking people up is over-rated

Act as you would have others act. If you simply preach to others you will simply create preaching. He isn’t a saint because of what he says, she is a saint because of what she does.

I cant say much about the powers behind the scenes simply because I don’t know much of them. Simply that resistance in this reality and planet seems to create corruption to higher one gets, if its corruption because one gets higher or corruption that stops one from getting higher if one isn’t already corrupted, I don’t know. Yet it is fairly easy to see how someone behind the scenes keeps destroying technology and inventions and people that would help the rest of humanity tremendously. These are the kinds of people who can also cover up their deeds in most of the global media and from official discourse. So it is also fairly safe to say that such people cant be placed in any single country or religion as that would make it profitable for other countries and religions to expose their lies, or at the very least be so revolted by their actions as to take a stand against them. A modern example is the 9.11 attacks. It is plainly obvious to anyone who has studied the events even in the most cursory way to realise it is an inside job. So now then, why hasn’t the countries in Europe stood up and said so and exposed this war of terror for what it is. It is unrealistic to assume that they are afraid of the military power of the US as in the present day the military power of US is unimportant since any country they would wage war against in Europe would retaliate with nuclear weapons and cause a nuclear holocaust. So the option for war is definitely off the table, so why are the powerbrokers in Europe and in the world so silent. Why do they not talk about such things? They don’t because they are in on them. They have equal secrets that the US would expose, some are just afraid but most of the people are simply in on it. The nature of the power of control is such that the higher you get the more likely you are to either work for them or be shot in Dallas.

Now some countries and media outlets are beginning to stand up, far too little and far too late for it to be real concern and disgust. To me this smells to high heaven of a setup. The fall guy will be the US and the rest of the world will celebrate the death of the wicker man. If they really cared about us or the people they are supposed to be helping they would take care of their own countries first and give people some of their freedoms back. So, no, Europe isn’t any better than the US, nor is china or Japan or Iran or any other country in the world. The power network seems to go from the highest level to the lowest level. The lower levels are kept in check out of fear of the higher levels or out of ignorance. The higher levels are kept in check out of fear of the lower levels and how they would lynch the higher levels if they ever knew what was going on.

So, hate not the darkness, the darkness is not your enemy. Hate not the light, the light is not your enemy. You decide who your enemy is and who your friend is. Don’t deny yourself, don’t deny a tool you can use to make the world what you desire of it. And above all else, have faith. God is out here, not all who claim to be God are God. Not all that glimmers is gold and most of all. Not all who ask to be worshipped deserve to be worshipped. God might look like us, but not all who look like us are God's. Not all who have wings and descend from the sky to the sound of trumpets are who they say they are.

Chapter 7

(A person half infant and half an old man is on fire, the fire isn’t strong more like a liquid fire surrounding the person while he remains clear and easy to see. Surrounded by people that look like dark shapes in the background with bright eyes of various colours looking at the man/infant)

Something new is born, something old dies, something in the middle, something alight.

So much to say, only three more chapters to say it in, so what should I talk about next? Love, Hate, Fear, Practical life concerns or perhaps something more abstract again. Love is on my heart, as is longing and distance and other similar things. I have no idea how coherent I will be right now. It is late in the night, or early in the morning which ever sounds more appropriate. I’m sitting here and feeling the love in all and trying to figure out what I should do with my life. Fine I’ve almost written a book, that still doesn’t mean much or add up to much. I would much prefer to be in front of an live audience, talking about my views on life, talking about love and hate, creation and destruction. Yet every time I finish one sentence, one paragraph I glance at the screen nervously, will she come around now, will someone interesting say hi now. So yes, I’ve written a book, I feel the love in all, even a glance at the true love of the universe breaks me and I sob like a little girl. Yet when I talk about it, when I talk about the experiences I spent 7 years gathering all I can think of is how she is doing.

Of course she is more than a person for me, she is an idea. The perfect representation of what I want. Then again, nobody is absolutely perfect, heck, I have to admit, at times I want to strangle her for being so gosh darn annoying. Perhaps I strive more for the idea than for the person. Either way, I want to share my thoughts, my feeling, perhaps help people accomplish the sense of love I’ve accomplished. I wonder if I really want to help people or if I simply want to spread the nice fluffy feeling I have because having it alone is lonely. So are my motives pure or are they not, well I suppose that would be easy to answer by comparing my emotions from the past with emotions from the present and seeing which state promotes more happiness. The clear answer is that after my experiences I’ve become significantly happier. So what I do I consider to be a good thing. I hope who ever happens to read this will make up their mind and not take my word for it.

What is there left for me to say? It seems we are slowly approaching the end of this story, this, this something, I don’t know what to call this. It is not a diary, nor is it really an educational book, so what is this really. I’m no great guru, no teacher, I’m not talking with the God, nor can I claim to have great wisdom about the workings on the universe. Like I said in the beginning these are just some ramblings, some thoughts, I hope they give you some help in your life and love. So, if you’ve gotten this far you must have found something interesting in this book, I still have a few things I want to cover in the remaining chapters. Yet I don’t know where to start, or where to continue. What else is there for me to cover?

The key to succeeding in what ever you wish to be is very simple. Figure out what you want and what you fear. Fears are what hold you back, sometimes with good reason, sometimes with not so good reason. What you want is far more important than what you want right now, if you simply want something at any given moment you will receive what you want regardless of the conditions. However, what complicates matter is that to stay alive and in your particular position and comfort zone you have to desire countless dozen other things as well. When these desires slowly sink to the subconscious because you forget about them they become the subconscious urges you don’t control and don’t understand. So, if you hate pain and you’ve been hurt when you reached for something then the obvious reaction is that you will no longer reach for something. This forms a desire to avoid the action that caused pain out of love for lack of pain. It is desires such as these that must be spotted and corrected.

Desires that lock you into a defensive pattern because it helped you in the past might quickly become a prison. It becomes an external trapping of an internal condition, an external thing such as food becomes associated with the internal thing fulfilment. But it is never the food, the external thing, the house, the car, the big pile of money that makes you happy. It is the internal reaction to that external thing, and to notice the difference between the two has been the main point in my entire book. Judge something based not on constructed prejudices but on how it really is. Food isn’t good because it makes you feel good, it makes you feel good because the healthy mind wants to survive and food promotes survival and as such makes you feel good. When the mind no longer wants to survive or for a million other reasons no longer wants to eat then food is no longer good and no long triggers the internal fulfilment. If you are unable to comprehend why food no longer satisfies you, you will not see the problem and simply assume that there is something wrong with you. When the external which used to trigger the internal no longer pleases the primitive reaction is to seek more of the external. More of money, more of power or more of food since it used to suffice the internal. That however leads you down a never ending spiral. The prudent thing would be to seek out why you no longer receive fulfilment from what you used to do. Awareness of suffering of others is a real inhibitor of receiving the internal fulfilment from external stimulus. As humans are generally a pack creature and the decrease in travel and communication times and the increase of human awareness has brought the suffering closer to you in a practical terms before it took months to travel from one area of the world to another and the massive scale of suffering in slavery time Africa would have taken months to be even noticed in north Europe. By the time the information travelled with the people the human body and the human mind would slowly work through it.

The emotional charge is not as strong as it was when the messenger saw the suffering. Weeks of travelling and months of preparation would slowly dull the edge and the real energy of the suffering would almost never be maintained long enough to spread as it does now. When it takes a video clip mere minutes to spread all over the world and the overall interaction in the human field has increased exponentially. Try as you might you can’t hide from the suffering in the world if you have awareness and as a obvious result of that you either help people as much as you can or slowly go various degrees insane because the suffering of others eats at your sanity. It eats at your sanity because the external trappings of happiness in most cultures are produced with the suffering of others to some degree at least. And so you intake a constant amount of external to create the internal and the suffering of those who produce the external cant go unnoticed by your system. And as you say you strive to be a good person yet to be happy you require things that have been generated with the suffering of others and that inevitably creates a very confusing situation for your energy field which doesn’t follow the logic that you try to follow. Slowly this generates a situation where your mind starts to crumble at the edges and you either decrease your awareness of it or changes.

Either you change your ways when faced with this knowledge as a result of your increased awareness or you try to hold onto your habits of intake and rationalize why you are unhappy or why you deserve to use things that have been made in a way that promotes suffering to others. Generally speaking people in that position find it harder and harder to hold onto their own comfort zone. The external things that the internal requires as any person who gets into that situation is most often on a quest to increase their awareness and the increase in awareness rocks the boat of comfort as you become more and more aware of the consequences of your own actions and inactions and as a result find it harder and harder to stay still. Yet in all that it is very very easy to forget that just as you and I are responsible for all the suffering in the world, we could spend sixteen hours a day for every day for the rest of our lives working to help others and we could help thousands if not tens of thousands of people. It only takes so very few to help so many. Just as we are responsible for that we are also responsible for all the people we didn’t inhibit. We are responsible for all we did and didn’t do all the suffering and all the good. All the people who starve daily and all the people that don’t starve daily. It would be easy for most people in the western world to kill almost anyone else in the western world due to the very nature of even a superficially open society. So while we choose not to help others we often also choose not to actively harm others. A single person could easily kill someone who gives millions to helping the poor and in effect deny thousands of people their helper’s aid.

So when you decide to not help the poor you also decide to not harm them more than is necessary to ensure your own comfort zone. That doesn’t make you bad it only makes you selfish. The balance between how much you harm others to maintain your comfort zone, how much you require others to work dangerously for little or no pay or how much you ask animals to live a life of suffering before you kill them so you can eat them and between how much of your time and energy you spend to help others. If you balance on the suffering side of the scale there is an easy realisation about your nature. If you balance on the healing side of the scale there is another easy realisation about your nature.

Normally this wouldn’t be a good thing to say in a self help book, but this isn’t a normal self help book. This is a book about how to become a healer, a necessary step on how to become a healer is to gauge the results of your actions in relation to the best image of healing others and seeing what you can forgo and what you can work on. If you simply wish to heal others then the best way to do that is to focus on what you already have. It takes years if not decades to really learn a new talent in healing, hands on healing being on of those, so why focus on something that might be incredibly useful in 10 years from now when you could do something which is already incredibly useful right now. Use that which you are strong at now and work on other skills at the same time. Go out to your local homeless shelter and ask how you can help them. Figure out a way to organize things to help others, if you’re not a good organizer figure out what you are good at.

More important than doing any specific type of healing is to figure out how you can do the most and what you wish to do. If you wish to be a specific type of healer then yes, you can be a specific type of healer, if you however only wish to heal others then you have to adapt to the situation and avoid as best you can sticking to a single method of action that doesn’t work as well as others.

Healing is about health not how you create that health, it is pointless to cure a drunk of cancer if he will die of alcohol poisoning long before the cancer is dealt with. Adapt, evolve and see where you are good at.

-Chapter 8

Nameless chapter.

As I pointed out in the previous chapter you are, just as I am, responsible for all the suffering in the world. At the same time, you and I must remember that we are also responsible for all the joy and happiness in the world. Through the virtue of action or inaction anything that you could do but choose not to do is a direct result of your actions. If you choose to help a homeless person then result of that action will always be with you. If the homeless person gets encouraged by your help and starts holding seminars on helping people and in a way helps millions then you are partially responsible for that outcome. Just as if the homeless person as a result of your help gets encouraged and in a happy state of mind doesn’t pay attention to the road he is on and gets hit by a truck and dies in the hospital. While you are responsible for both potential outcomes neither outcome is yours alone as the world isn’t yours alone. How much of the end result weighs on your shoulders depends on once definition of an acceptable level of responsibility.

If you push a person down a mountain you are of course responsible for that persons death, if you instigate someone to push a person down a mountain you are guilty by proxy, if you talk with someone about how nice it would be to push a person down a mountain and that person then talks to someone who talks to someone who then pushes a person down a mountain is it still your fault? While it is no longer your fault in the absolute it is your fault as much as it is the fault of all those who could have intervened. So it isn’t really a question of you being at fault for everything in the world as your effect on the world at the moment is fairly small simply because there are billions fairly small people in the world with fairly similar effects on the world. However, the reason your effect on the world is so small and why the fault lies with you as much as it lies with everyone else is in all its simplicity because you strive to do no different. You strive to be no better.

While we sit here content in our own happiness, unhappiness, glee or even depression, there are a million other things we could do. And as I have said before, the act of inaction is still an action. The choice to not act is a conscious choice to prefer some other outcome. I cant speak for the universe nor god or spirits, I cant speak for Jesus or Buddha or Krishna or anyone else, I can only speak for myself and in my eyes when I choose to sit here and play a computer game instead of going out and doing a bit more to help those who might need it I prefer my flashing box of digital entertainment over the life of another human. I am like the self-righteous holy man who walks past the stabbed person on the street and doesn’t lift a finger to help because my clothes or my comfort could be in jeopardy. That doesn’t make me a bad person, the deed itself doesn’t categorize me as either good or bad, it only categorizes me as preferring to not help others instead of helping others. The action itself doesn’t warrant damnation nor even a punishment, but as I said earlier, it dulls my senses if I try to hide from the consequences of my actions. It makes me cry when I realise how much suffering I cause, so no, I’m not judging you or anyone else simply because you let people suffer rather than actively seek to help them. You will do the judging yourself eventually.

There is no harsher judge than the ego. Do you live up to your own morals, to your own self? Does your body ring with a hallow tone against the song of your soul. Is the result of your actions and the personality, the self you have formed so empty, so devoid of life that when you knock on it you can hear the echo of the vast emptiness. Is it so empty that once you let go of the personality you so tightly spun around it you find nothing but darkness staring back. I cant say because I cant know. Only you can know what your own ego, your own world feels like. Do you use your ego, your self as you desire or do you get so caught in illusions of the world that your ego becomes attached to that which you are attached to, the external? Do you follow what you want to do, what your ego told you, what your sense and desires have told you to do before you became who you are? Do you still remember who you were as a child, who you wanted to be?

That is the only judge I worry about, do I live up to what I expect of me. I fear no judgement from a god, I only desire that when I come face to face with the god that I can stand on my feet and look back and say “this is what I did” and not feel shame.

Such is the nature of all healers, to find more and more ways to express love, in that all healers are lovers, all of us constantly find better ways to share and express our love for the world. Many healers succumb when they realise that their actions are far into the negative, or at least have been, but you should always remember that those that feel they have sin have no sin. We humans as a people are oscillating back and forth. We get shot out from the core, the light and we travel on this path outwards until we reach our zenith, far away from the core and then we slowly start descending back towards the core. Some people believe it is the journey up that matters, some people believe it is the journey down that matters. The journey up is the path of separation and individual achievement and the journey down is the path towards unity and wholeness. We are like electrons jumping up and down on the surface of the sun. Who knows how long we have been doing this, still it would be good to remember that it is not the journey up or the journey down that matters in the grand scheme of things, it is motion of the whole, we as a planet are an insignificant piece in the whole of the universe, no matter how much importance we like to place on ourselves.

So please, remember that while you are responsible for all the suffering in the world you are also responsible for all the joy. The world sings in its eudemonia, all is perfect and all that remains in the perfection is to seek out and do that which is precious to you. To find your calling and laugh at those who say it can’t be done.

50 years ago we all knew that man could never go to space
100 years ago we all knew that man could never travel faster than the speed of sound.
200 years ago we all knew we knew all
400 years ago we all knew we were the center of the universe
1000 years ago we all knew the apocalypse was just around the corner
2000 years ago we all knew the Roman Empire would last forever
5000 years ago we all knew the pharaohs were gods

Who is to say that those who tell you as they tell me that it cant be done, that we cant have a good society, that we cant really heal with our hands, that we cant really fly wont simply be forgotten as the inquisitors, the naysayers and the up keeper’s of all the ancient knowledge have been.

Then again, who am I to say? In the end I know as much as a blade of grass or the wisest being in the universe, that knowledge is just processed through the person I am now. I know all but I know nothing.
This book began as something of a self help manual and still is that to some extent but I truthfully hope that you toss it away once your done, burn it or give it to someone else. I'm still trying to grasp the worth of this book, if there is anything I have said that matters to anyone for other than it was said. Do my words carry some meaning, some validity other than that which is tied to my world? One moment the world seems dark and gloomy, the next it seems bright and filled with sunshine. Is the real world somewhere in between or are both real worlds, if so are they equal and something said in one would be true in another. If I advice you from my world would it be true in your world? That is why I seek to, beyond all else, keep my supposed wisdoms in a state of change. If I stick with one agenda, with one view on reality I see nothing but an image of reality without depth. I strive to think of the bigger picture, the bigger truth and how can be applied to most situations, in the hope that my words will be beyond the ramblings of a fairly mad man, and actually have some usage beyond this very specific time and place. Perhaps I have succeeded perhaps I failed, I don’t know. So best you could do, for both our sakes is to burn this book, in fact, better yet would be to burn me as well.

Figuratively speaking of course, as I would very much refer not to be burned to a crisp! On a practical level, don’t idolize this book, don’t idolize me, don’t think of me as a good guy or this book as your guide to life. I am very much like most people, I have my ups and my down, my skeletons and Narnias. If I can see and feel this then so can you, don’t look at where I am, look at where I point. If this book and I gave you nothing, but by burning this book you gain something then I encourage you to do so.


A year later.

Here I sit again, alone in my room love in my heart, what’s changed in these past months I wonder. I can’t help but ponder, the mysteries a yonder. I can’t sleep because every time I do I wake up forgetting more of who I am. Every dream is a blessing and a curse, more beauty and more horror to remember for a mind already bent close to the ground. Since I last wrote I’ve had some time to think about myself and get a better understanding about my life. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is time I hold onto the key. I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this before but in my live I’ve gotten a hold of the key, one might say it’s the key and guide of magic, the key on how to create my life as I see fit. Every time I get a hold of it I throw it to another pond and go fishing again because it is the adventure I enjoy not the goal. So I’ve done this for who knows how long, now I’ve found something else, something else I wish to fish for. My life is finally transforming into something where I no longer have to keep living the same adventure or find some pointless busywork to keep me occupied. There are finally things to do and things to aim for. So I’m sitting here and writing more, even when I know I’m tired and I should sleep. I know I should but this must be done, I must finish this book before I leave.

Know that all the problems in the world are easily solvable, the challenge is created by us and the answers are always there. What you have to do is reach out your hand and see. When the first answer you find doesn’t work anymore, throw it away and pick another that works. All it takes is the desire to do so and the desire to go the distance. Know that you sit on the crossing on the 8th, the point where all the lines overlap and the point from where you can simply reach out your hand and touch eternity. No longer out there, just beyond reach nor has it ever truly been out there, just beyond reach. It has always been here dancing around us for an eternity and it will always be here. There isn’t a thing in the world you can look at, no person, living or dead, that doesn’t have contain eternity. All you need to do is let it come to you. Look around, open your eyes and see. It has always been there. Just because someone tells you it can’t be done doesn’t make it so. There is always a way for those who have the will to find it.

As I said, I’ve decided to hold onto the key to my life, previously I always threw it away after I found it but now I have something to use the key on, a purpose behind having it. I spent close to a decade, more if you count parts of my childhood before I understood what I am aiming for going through the destructive things to find the spark of creation in all acts. I had to go through all of it for many reasons, one of them to see what is beautiful. When one is whole one only sees beauty in that which is whole. When one is afraid of the low one will be afraid of losing what one has. To force oneself to remain high is to never be free. When you are afraid to go through the lowest points you are afraid to ever be free and ever be whole. When being whole is being everything then what you are afraid to be you will never know.

So I had to be it all, I had to be the high points, the low points, the leftist, the rightists, the abused and the abuser. I hope I can forgive myself the acts I did when I die and stand before my own judgement. When in the end there is only one then you can only ask for judgement against yourself. When you are the rapist and the raped then who do you yell at for vengeance? When you are the murdered and the murdered who will hang? When you are the sand and the wind who will you truly be? The key is not in the knowledge it is in the action, but to find it you have to go through the path. So here I am, sitting at home and going through the path that takes some lifetimes and when I first went through it, it took me 5 years of hell and years of love. So now I have all that and I need to go through it in 3 weeks.

It will be a third time for me reaching the height. What am I really, am I as important as I feel, do I truly have a global impact on humanity, and will my acts ripple out in a way that I can not foresee. Are my feelings true, does my heart lead me right or are those who would beat me down right. Which is it then I wonder, I suppose time will tell, for now what matters is I get this done and ready to be taken out and no longer standing on me but standing on its own. I started one book after a break up and now, weeks before my life will alter forever two years after I started it the circle is coming to a close. Of course the book will never end as there will be more adventures for me until the day I die and I will keep writing them. This part of the story will be done.

If you, dear reader who I have not yet met want me to teach you something in person then your first task is to find me. The clues are here if you wish to go through them. I’ll be waiting somewhere.

One cannot ask for forgiveness until one forgives. I think I am there, that I am ready to forgive but I am still not. Sometimes I am there, sometimes I forgive but then I remember it all again and I am still not ready. Even though these words don’t carry the entire meaning I would want them to. I forgive, I’m forgiven. It is time to start anew.

Every butterfly effect starts with the moth.


With my journey now complete another journey starts. For the longest time I was suicidal, to the point of standing at bridges overlooking train tracks and wondering if bullet trains pass underneath. I was unable to cope with the immense weight that was on my shoulders, how was I supposed to come to terms with all this. When there were only a few people every decade who understood me, when what remained of my heart could not, even with the best sense of humour be called a human heart. I for a long time had the feeling I was leaving and now I know what it meant. When the sorrow left I could see what it meant, why it was there, what it was there to teach me. And now, at the end of one journey and another beginning I look back and wonder when will I do this again? When will I be back this same road again? When will my love for humanity take me back here, to the same situation, the love, the suffering, the beauty, the problems so easily solved and the solutions so easily ignored.

Before I leave this part of my journey behind I want everyone that has ever hurt me, intentionally or otherwise to know I forgive them. There will be no hatred in me when I go. Your hatred will no longer be my hatred, your troubles will no longer be my troubles. I did my part and now it is my time to go, I wish you peace my Family, Friends, and all those whom I’ve bumped into in life.

I don’t plan to die, I plan to live forever but if death does come for me I am at peace. Just as I am not planning to die I am also not planning to kill myself. Letting go of old burdens yes but not to physically die. Simply one life ends another begins. There are more deaths than physical and more births than just the physical. An old me dies and a new me is reborn.

I commit.

I love.

Thank you D & C & J

Spirits of air
Spirits of ground
Spirits of fire
Spirits of water

I call on all of you to come and testify
I am free, I stand here free of all
Key in hand, love in heart, path behind, path ahead
Witness a new man born of the fire of old

The long, the tall
The stout, the short
Come one come all
Testify a man being born

I touch you ground awaken and see
I touch you air and bear witness to me
I touch you fire alight what you see
I touch you water set in motion me

I see you all
I ask you all
See me here
Sitting near

The kingdom come is near
It is always here
Inside you I hear
So I’ve come here

I evoke you spirits of fire
Spread what you hear far and near

I evoke you spirits of wind
Carry my words for all to hear

I evoke you spirits of ground
Support all the people filled with fear

I evoke you spirits of water
Sustain those who have nothing to wear

Go In Peace